Matt Handles the Oil Spill
Hello, and welcome to Nonstop Karate where the laughter, along with all open-handed martial arts, is nonstop. This is a comedy blog that will hopefully be updated every (week) day with some kind of content, maybe not always original, but something.
Posting duties will be divided up between Chad Quandt and Matt Loman. Between the two of them, hopefully five days a week won’t prove insurmountable.
Both of us have personal blogs:
As well as Twitter:
And now, the first post.
The disaster in the Gulf is an unmitigated disaster no matter what BP’s prissy, odd looking CEO says.
You can’t just clean up financially ruining families means or bring back hunting/feeding, living, and breeding space for all the creatures now out of an ecosystem.
The effects of this are going to be felt for decades, and much like Exxon, BP’s probably going to get out of paying 90% of what it should owe.
Which is bullshit. They’re basically just going through the motions, hoping something works, but not really putting their hearts into it. They’ll let their scumfuck lawyers reduce what they owe by a billion or so, which I will remind you, is a fucking pittance to what they made, and will still make.
My favorite part is how all these people are coming out to offer their own unique solutions to the problem. Half out of a true humanitarian desire to help and half out of the realization that if BP’s solutions are: put a box over the well, then a slightly smaller box, and finally “cut the pipe some more,” why can’t fringe people and James Cameron step in and talk some bullshit?
And if fringe people and James Cameron can talk some bullshit, why can’t I?
My solutions to stop the oil leak.
Fire – I know they already tried fire, but they used words and phrases like “slow,” “small,” “testing,” and “controlled burn.” Folks, fire is the wild stallion of the elemental forces of the universe. It is combustion. So let it combust. Nothing makes problems go away like cleansing fire. Except forest fires. And yet, there are always firemen out in the woods doing a “controlled burn.” I’m all for fighting fire with fire, but I also get results, damn it. Just set the surface on fire, and then walk away. If it’s possible to set underwater on fire, do that, too.
Actually, do that first.
Lasers – Apparently the piping they used is also made from diamonds because they broke a diamond blade on it, so the next logical step is, of course, lasers.
Most of the time if something is leaking liquid or gas that’s harmful, Superman usually just zaps it with heat vision, and if it’s good enough for the Man of Tomorrow it should be good enough for a bunch oil leaking turds like BP.
Granted, if the pipe is also made from diamonds, there’s a chance it could refract the laser in dozens if not hundreds of directions, setting the ocean on fire, which of course brings us back to my first suggestion.
Nuclear Weapons – If it gets to the point where we have to write off the Gulf, I say we nuke it, just to be sure.
Disasters like this usually create giant monsters or zombies, so what do you say we all just nip this in the bud now, and avoid finding out how flawed all our zombie survival plans actually are?
This idea has very little to do with the Saints beating the Colts in the Super Bowl.
George Washington – Look at we got here: a bunch of uppity Brits fucking up our continent and telling us how to run things, and just generally fucking up on their end. Where have I heard this scenario, before?
Look, England’s failed us, there’s no doubt about that, and if British Petroleum is going to keep cocking around in the Gulf shooting “we’re super sorry” videos and trying to put different things on top of the oil leak to varying degrees of failure, we need someone with experience running these assholes off, and I nominate our nation’s first president and first genera.l Washington started our nation’s centuries long love affair with ass kicking. They sent hardened troops against farmers and we drove them back! They send the largest armada the world would see until D-Day, and we ran the fuck out of those blockades!
USA! USA! USA!
We’ll start a guerrilla war, using our familiarity with the native terrain to our advantage, and to send a message we’ll throw a bunch of their shit into… our… har…bors…
This one got away from me pretty quick.
Dirk Pitt – The James Bond of nerds, Pitt is an agent of NUMA, an American agency dedicated to the exploration and conservation of the oceans which is part of the government in the Clive Cussler series but wouldn’t ever really exist because none of their shit has a military application.
Anyway, here’s how it would go down: Pitt would show up doing something else, but hears about the oil spill. Then he’d find out the heads of BP are pirates or terrorists or something. No! Nazis! They’re rich and white, and, in Cussler books, that means Nazis.
So, Pitt finds out and goes to tell his superiors, who don’t believe him despite his batting average for crackpot theories being 1000, and then he’ll get into a car chase involving his classic car collection. The car will be much faster than the bad guy’s car, but won’t handle turns as well, making them equal. He’ll kill the bad guys with zero remorse, despite no military background, and basically being a glorified pleasure boater. He’ll get closer to the truth, with pal, Al Giordino, eventually uncovering some secret history about the world, solve the oil problem with an explosion, get into a firefight alongside some Navy SEALs, kill all the Nazis, and reveal that America was actually discovered by Romans or Mongolians or something. Then he’ll fuck a blond United States Senator who is prettier than most movie stars.
I’m pretty sure that in his either first or second adventure Pitt found a document that made the US and Canada one country called the United States of Canada. A document he secured by drowning James Bond in a train.
Dirk Pitt novels are either the greatest or worst thing you will ever read.
Aquaman – Ha, just kidding.
Predators – I got nothing, but I figured my first post should involve Predators. So let’s say their shoulder cannons are involved. Which actually takes us right back to lasers, which of course, takes us right back to fire.
Corpses – Hear me out. We take all the BP oil execs that came in their pants when Cheney said they didn’t have to install the fail-safes on the pipes, and we drown them in oil. Then we stuff their bodies in the pipe using James Cameron’s submarine robots.
This is me helping. This is me helping.