Dear Celebs Mk. VIIIXXIVIIMIV
New digs, same vitriol/jealousy. Let what must be done, be done.
Dear City of Los Angeles,
You idiots. I don’t know how to put this, but you ignorant fucks need to start actually prosecuting celebrities when they break the law.
I know they’re famous and have money, but there are 11 million people in this city.
The rich, famous, and powerful make up an infinitesimal fraction of a percentage of the total population and we desperately need you to protect us from their gross stupidity and drunken rampages.
The police had to show up to put Britney Spears in an ambulance.
Shia Lebeouf blew through a red light, over turning his truck and permanently fucking up his hand, and nothing. He didn’t even have to do a breathalyzer.
Roman Polanski, the child rapist, is chilling in his chalet in Switzerland (or is it Sweden) because you just now got around to trying to arrest and extradite him this year. What the fuck is taking so long? You caught him, now bring him in, and prosecute his tiny perverted ass.
What’s the problem? Is he overpowering all the marshals we’re sending? If that’s the case, send Justified. He’ll get this shit sorted out. Is Switzerland threatening action? Just remember, they’re Switzerland.
I keep hearing all this stuff about talks and negotiations. You know how the government doesn’t negotiate with terrorists? We should also not negotiate with child rapists and the sociopaths who would defend them.
And finally, we come to Lindsay Lohan. She left the country, lied about her passport, either losing it or not being able to get one, violated all of the rules of her parole, aaaaaaand nothing. She has to wear a bracelet that lets you know she has toxins in her system. But wait, she had dental work done, and was issued extremely powerful painkillers, so she got around that, and then the bracelet went off FIVE times after the MTV movie awards, and I bet you nutless needle dicks don’t do shit.
The worst part? The worst part is she used to look like this:
Now she looks like this:
She looks like her old self got possessed by the Devil. Cthulhu is psychically feeding on her soul.
What are you going to do if you win the championship?
I’m going to rape some more women and get away with it, again.
What if you lose?
Rape. But not out of joy.
Fly till I Die,
How is Kobe successful despite being a toxic human being?
Yours in Christ,
Yeah, I bailed around the time the Crusades really got going.
Why, what’s up?
Yeah, we fucked shit right up.