My Penis Likes Nostalgia – (Weird Porn Parodies)

This is a scene from Golden Girls where our four favorite old ladies watch a porn tape. This is as close as I want my sexual thoughts to coincide with Golden Girls.

Oh wait, Evil tells me I’m wrong.

Oh well, OK then….I guess maybe some people are into mature women….wait….but that actress is like 30. That other one is like 60…Is that even a character from the sitcom?

This is why Blanche is dead people.

The only way this would feel right is if this was just “normal” pornstars having sex on the same set that they filmed the Golden Girls. Because perhaps consumers just really liked that furniture.

As a connoisseur of such things, I can understand the basic desire of a porn parody. Pornography deals in fantasies, and as we in America decided decades ago that the small glowing boxes in our homes would be our New Gods, it makes sense that people would have sexual attractions to characters you see every day. I see Liz Lemon from 30 Rock more times a week than most of my friends. It makes sense I want to do her.

Write it, baby. Write it hard.


So they made a 30 Rock Porno.

Makes sense. Makes a lot of weird pornography sense. They even made fun of it in an episode of 30 Rock.

(Videotaping your DVR recording of broadcast television is some form of high-art.)

But this crap’s going too far. They’re cranking this stuff out like it’s some sort of trend.

No one wants to see Kramer’s penis. No one. Not even before he went accidentally-racist.

Awesome. Now my nightmares about a man raping me with a fake bald wig on have been manifested in reality. I bet this guy smelled like rubbing alcohol the entire shoot.

Hard to believe that creepy old men of the world watched Reno 911 and wanted to see Trudy and Dangle naked (besides the countless nudity jokes already in the series). What role is this filling? Not as erotic material; that stuff’s a dime-a-dozen. The internet is a giant Sam’s Club of porn; just get in and you can buy 2000 hours of it for a nickel.

Humor? I’m a nobody writer and even I know porn scripts are not the place you go for comedy. I’d have a better chance breaking out by working at an In-N-Out and scribbling my jokes onto the napkins given out to customers with their meals.

If you watch these porn parodies closely (as I do. This is for research, people. This is how you learn to pick up women), the performers even seem to be just messing around. This is not pornography. Pornography should feel awkward and wrong and like one of the performers is on the brink of running right out of the rented house they’re shooting in. If I don’t see sadness in their eyes, something’s wrong here.

Perhaps its nostalgia? There are a lot of porn parodies of shows I’ve barely even heard of. This makes the strongest strategic choice. I worked retail at an entertainment store that carried a small adult of DVDs. There was never one consumer in that section younger that 45. Only older men who hadn’t realized that RedTube exists. Or perhaps they just wished to see dilapidated vaginas in crystal-clear DVD quality.

What will become of this adult industry in twenty years once these old men all die alone in their homes of cardiac arrests or are killed in freak accidents at craigslist-organized orgies? The fact that there are a million sites that just freely redistribute content and my generation has no desire to pay for anything when its available for free means soon our nation’s heroes who put in two to three hours a week of hard sex work will be unable to make a living. Is it weird if this is almost exactly the same dilemma that news corporations are having in the blog world? Diane Sawyer just popped up in my head next to Jenna Jameson people. This is bad.

Internet, I realize I’m just not suited for this train of thought. If it’s time to watch people having sex, I’m going to watch people having sex. I don’t put lettuce on my burgers. I know all I need is the fatty meat. Likewise, I don’t need 2 million dollars spent on special effects and pirate ships for a porno.

(I don’t know how or why, but this movie somehow kept getting played awkwardly at about twenty different house parties in college)

Though a note to those in the industry who might be reading this, now is the perfect time for an “Ed” porno.

Make some sexual joke about the town being called “Stuckeyville”. “Suckeyville”? Wait, call it “Penistown”. There ya go. Get back to me, producers.



About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on June 14, 2010, in Chad Quandt and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Awesome read, thanks for that. My mate sent me here cause he is a big fan. Looks like i have to bookmark too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: