Be More Like Batman
Sort of a rehash of an old blog, but fuck it, I’m tired.
Hey, you suck. I know you think you’re doing a good job being you, but you suck.
Like a lot. No one’s really impressed, we’re all just grateful you haven’t fucked up too profoundly, yet.
That’s no way to live, in fact, it’s kind of depressing for a specimen of manly virtue like myself to be typing this at you, but guess what, we’re turning this shit around right now.
You need to a role model. Someone to aspire to that even if you fall short, you’ll end up at a much higher place than where you started.
Today, we’re going to look at the paragon of kickass, Batman.
Why Batman? Well, he’s at the peak level of human physical prowess, a scientist, detective, inventor, and billionaire playboy.
That’s it. You literally can’t go any higher and still be considered just human. He’s so good that he’s on a team with people who can tear planets in half, run beyond light, or bring anything they can imagine to life, and they all agree he’s the scariest and most competent.
That’s pretty much the best resume, ever.
The Situation: You find yourself in a bar, having a good time, when a couple of no douchebags start hassling you and your friends. Maybe they’re trying to make time with your babies.
Not on your goddamn watch.
X-Factors: They might outnumber you, or maybe your friends ascribe to a lesser philosophy, like Aquaman or Gambit. More than likely, you’re going to have to do this alone. Also, they might armed. Anything’s a weapon in the hands of Batman, but remember, we don’t use guns. They’re a coward’s weapon. Just use your ninja stars or grappling hook.
You brought your ninja stars and grappling hook to the bar, right?
See, it’s good we have these little talks.
How to Handle It: Smoke Bombs. Really any distraction will do, but smoke bombs are fucking badass to jump out of. In a pinch, one of your damn weiner friends could knock over a table, or ideally start a small fire, which, of course, creates smoke. Then attack from behind. You stopped being a man the second they stepped over the line. You are now a predator, so act like it: attack swiftly, without mercy, and punch everyone right in the goddamn neck.
Also, double punch.
The Situation: Sharks!
X-Factors: Weather. The motion of the ocean. What species of shark? Did you bring your bat shark-repellent? Did you waterproof your cape?
The Solution: Jump over the fucking railing and kick that shark right in the goddamn neck. Nothing is scarier than a shark. Nothing is cooler than kicking things. If you combine the two, you have a perfect recipe for Batmanness.
Well, second best. The perfect recipe actually involves murder, psychological scarring, unlimited wealth, a city crying out for a hero, and an unshakable will all multiplied by karate.
But this is a close second.
The Situation: A comely young thing is making eyes at you. Babies love Batman. Fact.
X-Factors: Is she a dude? Seriously, always check. The Joker watches a lot of Looney Tunes. The man is not afraid to wear a dress. Also, the Riddler has shapely hips. There. I said it. Now it’s out there and we all have to deal with it.
Adam’s apple, muscular forearms, tell-tale bulge, or, according to Manswers on Spike, the pointer finger on a man is always shorter or equal to his ring finger, whereas a woman’s pointer finger is always longer.
Next up, the wingman situation. Now, Batman doesn’t need a wingman (just a Nightwingman, wokka wokka) but if the baby in question has a friend, you’ll need someone to run interference. No shame in it, sometimes the big dog needs back-up to shine, and chances are you always have a friend who hasn’t known physical love in a few months. Time for them to step up.
Finally, how drunk is she? Look, I’ve met you, you’re Batman-esque, not Batman. So make sure she’s good and sauced.
The Solution: Shirt off. Mask on.
With that, I think I’m done for the week. Chad, take us away.