So, I Got Drunk and Watched Twilight

I can’t really form any coherent thoughts on the matter. What I sat through was atrocious. Not even on a story or acting level, but at the basic level of film-making competence. Things like establishing shots, using any take but the first one, lighting, and others are all just skipped in favor of staring contests between two vapid idiots.

I have so much bile, we’re going to jump the essay format and go to the noblest and laziest presentation style, the LIST.

I remember when I was sullen and felt ways about stuff.

What is Bella’s problem? Everyone likes her. Everyone. The kids of her high school, who apparently have never dared to even imagine meeting someone from a different state, fall all over themselves to be near her. Every guy she meets wants to date her. Despite this attention and devotion from the boys, every girl wants to be her best friend, ever. I don’t know if Stephanie Meyer’s ever actually interacted with other human beings, but A.) girls aren’t that forgiving, B.) no one in high school is ever warmly welcomed, and C.) if they are, they’re not sullen, miserable little shits who hate everyone and everything around them.  What is this well-liked, attractive, and intelligent girl’s fucking problem?

Just do everything I say and you'll never get hurt, again.

Uh…Edward is an abusive boyfriend. Let’s see, he’s controlling, cuts her off from her normal comfort zones, constantly puts Bella in dangerous situations where he has total control, gets her hurt, makes her lie about it, but due to earlier events where he already cut her off, leaving only himself as her only source of comfort and encouragement.

The dad is in a completely different movie from everyone around him. He basically walks a beat in that sleepy, rain-slicked, mountain town, drinks beer, and hangs out with his buddy. He became my favorite character when Bella came down in the morning to find her father, three or four tall boys in, at the dining room table cleaning guns. He has no idea what’s going on, and probably never will. At one point it’s implied that he and his buddy, the chief, are about to kill twelve tall boys apiece. And that’s fucking awesome. I’d watch a movie about the dad of a girl in puppy love with a blood-consuming demon. Keep that mustache and somewhere in this movie, there’s a Will Ferrell comedy lying in wait.

This guy.

"Nice truck. I'll stand in it."

Kellan Lutz was in Generation Kill. He didn’t have a huge role, but he was there and solid. How do you go from a David Simon project to this movie based on someone’s fan fiction? I get, I guess, you’re a young, good-looking cat, and now you’re filthy goddamn rich. But wow, that is a substantial drop in quality, especially since he spends most of the movie in designer sweats and riding in cars standing up.

The black kid. The guy in Bella’s class who steals chairs, smooches, and hearts as his high school’s dreamboat/Twizzler tosser. I don’t know why everyone in the room at the time and I got so fixated by his background action of throwing a Twizzler at Bella, but we lost it, and were always secretly disappointed that he was constantly throwing Twizzlers at everyone in a successful bid for someone to notice him.

The diner scene. The one where Bella is talking to her dad after encountering some friends in the restaurant’s parking lot. What the fuck are they doing in the background? Are they having a rousing game of “Chest Pass?” Everyone in props can locate and retrieve stupid sweaters and hair gel, but no one can find a fucking football for the fucking jocks to pass around? If you have a basketball you have two choices: 1.) find a court and 2.) And 1 exhibition. That’s it.

I get that the director, and possibly Meyer, I never read the novels, equate longing with hunger. The need to be with someone is so strong you must have them is manifested perfectly in the form of a love-struck vampire. Right on. I don’t blame the material, because it might be in the execution, but nearly every actor in this movie is asked at one point or another to express, love, longing, or hunger, but every look given for each emotion looks exactly alike, and they all look like someone desperately trying to hold in a fart. It’s a bad fart, but they can’t really get away from the people they’re with to walk it off, or they don’t know if anything else is coming out with that fart. It’s a pained expression coupled with the shame of being an execrator, and being known as the one who dealt it. It is rampant throughout this movie.

Why are the vampires in high school? They’re fucking immortal, super strong, super fast, with heightened senses, and are very nearly conventionally indestructible. So they…keep…going…to high…school? Why? Because they look young? Can’t they be baby faces? Or child geniuses? Or home-schooled? Why would you go to high school over and over again? Anyone over the age of 19 who continues on to any sort of schooling, university, trade school, apprentice, fast-food manager knows more than you. You want to be all angsty and conflicted about your nature and make up for apparently murdering and eating people? Go be Batman. Fight crime. Jesus, if I had everything you had at your disposable, both physically and by virtue of being rich and reclusive, I’d be Batman. I couldn’t be fucking Batman fast enough. Take that century of life you were given and spend it studying martial arts, not taking algebra over and over and over again.

The only flaw in Vampire Batman's plan, is every criminal he stops, is going to be another evil vampire.

Vampire baseball. What? Why? Baseball? Because they’re old and it’s the only sport they had in the early 20th century? Jesus.

They don’t want  anyone to know they’re vampires despite going into public and being weird, but they have no problem with all the allegations of incest that would come from dating someone in your own family? Okay. Cool. And being unrelated on the genetic level means nothing. People talk, questions are asked, and now you’re the creepy pale family that talks to no one and possibly fucks each other. High school’s going to be tough. Good thing you apparently have a shit load of practice.

“You can Google it.” I would have given anything for a smash cut after that line of Bella searching the word ‘Google’ on Yahoo.

Director's Cut.

I have more complaints, but I think I’m experiencing brain death, so see you guys Thursday.

Matt

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on June 29, 2010, in Lists, Matt Loman, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. was this why we watched it matt?? for your torturous research??

  2. This doesn’t really clear up if you’re on team edward or team jacob.

  3. i agree. on every point. ever.

  4. dude, I understand being topical, and suffering for your art, but I don’t know how i could sit through five minutes of that movie.

    I learned everything i needed to know about twilight here:

    http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

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