Ad and Music Execs: “This Next Crop of Jailbait is Going to Blow Your Mind.”

LOS ANGELES (AP) – Agents, marketing executives, choreographers, tour managers, and studio heads all across the LA are have just returned to their offices and luxury sports cars after spending the past week and a half in conferences to decide the next big things to be hoisted upon the American public.

Sorry to drag you into this, E3.

“Vampires are still very in,” explained producer Brennan Holfbright, “but instead of drinking people’s blood, they lust after the right girl and refreshing coconut water.”

“Coconut water is fucking hot as Zac Efron’s balls,” chimed in agent Rory Wintman, “Kate Hudson drinks it to get flat abs without working out or eating right.”

“Right! Everyone has to start drinking coconut water or they’ll die or get skin cancer or acne,” Holfbright explained.

Music executive Saul Goldberg elaborated on how the conference emphasized playing upon every angle, “we used to not take advantage of fringe groups, but around 1982 we realized how much money there was to be made off of ugly people, too. So for the summer we’re bringing ska back, but barely giving it any media coverage, so the younger, disenfranchised, demographics will be able to rebel against the pop stars by giving us their money.”

When pressed about the coming state of pop music, the entire room hushed and then began to froth over in excited titters.

“Oh man, I am so excited for next year,” gushed Holfbright, “when you see the next crop of girls on the Disney Channel and in adaptations of children’s books you’re going to freak out.”

“Yeah,” Wintman jumped in, nearly yelling in his excitement, “the next crop of jailbait we got in the pipeline is going make you rip your fucking dick off.”

Goldberg explained further, “we’ve got a lot of real dumb sluts that are going to blow your mind. They can sing. They can dance. They can act. And they are willing to do anything to get famous. We’re really pleased with this current crop. We never imagined that our early experiments with the jailbait paradigm would return exponential yields.”

“Get it,” asked Holfbright, “each generation gets sluttier and sluttier in response to their whore-fore-mothers. I didn’t think anyone would top Christina’s Xtina phase, but good lord did Miley Cyrus raise the bar. I mean the chola/dominatrix outfit was out there, but that white number with the high kicks? We made a a lot of money off those kicks,” Holfbright said, visibly erect, though it was unclear if it was due to Ms. Cyrus or the pile of money he described.

I know what you're thinking, "where are her parents?" Someone had to count the money.

Though, entertainment is hardly a science and there have been a few misfires, admits Goldberg. “How we tried with Demi Lovato, but that girl just wears bikinis,” he said, dismissing the Disney Channel star, “and only to the beach! Wear a top and some cut-offs to Starbucks for fuck’s sake. We’ll pay for the goddamn coffee. I’ll buy you a Starbucks, just meet me halfway. Prude.”

“Don’t get me started on Emma Watson,” Goldberg continued, but was interrupted by Holfbright who groaned loudly and began to paw at his crotch.

Yeah, well, what's being a class act and having a college education ever done for anyone?

“It broke my heart, my fucking heart, the day she went to college,” said a visibly moved Wintman. “And Brown. A real college. Fuck.”

“We’ve also started planning for the futures,” added Holfbright while towelling off. “They need to transition from 17 to 18, then 18 to 21. I’m not too proud to admit a few got away from us.”

“Britney,” said Wintman, quietly.

Jesus, this happened a long time ago.

“That’s a fucking shame,” said Goldberg looking out the window. “She was so fucking hot.”

“I remembered the first time I saw the ‘…Baby One More Time,” reminisced Holfbright, again, fully erect, “I came like a fucking freight train.”

“We’ll always have that Esquire cover,” offered Wintman.

“It’s not the same,” Holfbright said quickly, on the verge of snapping. “She was so goddamn hot, and there was a lot of money left to make.”

“We’re avoiding those mistakes with this new batch,” Wintman said, “instead of just assuming they’ll continue to be profitable after turning 18, we’re going to continue guiding them, so they keep making music, stay in the public eye, and not get all pregnant and married.”

“Christina’s got giant boobs now,” Holfbright mused.

“At what cost,” asked Goldberg. “At what cost?”

Guys like this give me hope. He's like an angel come down to tell me "at some point, women just stop caring."

Wintman continued, “one of our up and comers is 15, committed to at least four years on her series ‘High School, My School,’ two full albums, and sex tape.”

Goldberg continued, “yeah, Millie Storms is a real trooper. She was the one who suggested that we project the sex tape onto the stage during her ‘Coming Out Tour,’ when she’s 19. Marketing savvy, a voice built to auto-tune, and a tight little body. She’s going to be big.”

With concerts, TV shows, expertly shot and edited sex tapes, what will the generation after the coming one have to do to up the ante and keep the Jailbait Paradigm formidable in the future?

“Probably a gang bang half-time show during the Super Bowl,” offered Holfbright. “If we start the process now, we could wear down the FCC and Standards and Practices to the point that we could show a young lady fucking nine people at once.”

“We just need to find that right six-year old, and start grooming her for it now,” said Goldberg.

“They’re all sluts,” said Wintman.

*-*-*

Aaaaaand I’m out.

Bounce.

Matt

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Posted on July 1, 2010, in Character, Matt Loman and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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