“Behold the Death of Music” 2.0

If you had asked me a few years ago what the biggest threat to the artistry of music was, I would’ve replied with one of these  responses:

1) Albums that indulge celebrities’ whims

Track 3: "Lay Your Head Upon My Awesome Rack"

2) Perhaps Auto-Tune and it’s ability to pitch correct any singer into a modern-day eunuch.

If I surround myself with technology, the 90s will never happen.

Neko Case, singer for The New Pornographers, solo artist, and goddess on Earth had this to say about Auto-Tune:

When I think about Jackie Wilson or the Platters and then I think about modern, Top 40 music that’s really horrible, it makes me mad. Singing isn’t important anymore. I’m not a genius– if I had been around during the time of Jackie Wilson or Rosemary Clooney or Patsy Cline, I would be shit. I would be singing in some bar somewhere for $5 a week and that’s as far as I would ever go. But I’m living now and I write songs, it’s different. There’s some part about the craft of singing– craft is too important of a word, I hate that word but I just used it anyway– in a lot of places, it hasn’t really made it. It’s not to do with the people who are doing it as much as the people who are producing it. There’s technology like auto tune and pitch shifting so you don’t have to know how to sing. That shit sounds like shit! It’s like that taste in diet soda, I can taste it– and it makes me sick.

Don’t fuck with Neko Case. She is a siren. She is an indie goddess that also does Aqua Teen Hunger Force

"Heavy weighs the Hip Crown"

3) Or it could be pretty much all of this.

But now, a greater threat has emerged: Microsoft Songsmith.

Something with this ad kept bothering me. At first I thought it was that the daughter decided to only answer her father through the program. Then that laptop and all those flower stickers caught my eye. That’s a Mac Book Pro! Really Microsoft? You guys didn’t have one non-Apple laptop around the set? Or have you all given up on using your own products?

Also, note the “happy” level you can set. Awesome.

These previous obstacles were nothing but a distraction. Sufficiently fed off the sorrow of music lovers, Songsmith rises from their shadow towering above us all. It is then that we realize that the potential for its evil was always around us, but somewhere in the balance between life and death something happened that allowed this technological devil to be summoned. Perhaps Bill Gates realized he was tired of lying in his house made of money and that the world needed something interesting to happen. To Mr. Gates, all music being reduced to five pre-set melodies and rhythms is “a good day”.

This is the equivalent of SkyNet from “Terminator”. This will bring about the End of Days.

Chad Quandt is Analogy Editor for Nonstop Karate

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on July 2, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Music and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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