How to Survive Anything: Chapter 1: the First Chapter

Everyone has a zombie escape plan. After discussing it with various people, I’ve found that some of these are really intricate, but really what it boils down to is this:

–  Be Faster than a Zombie.
–  Don’t Get Boxed in.
–  Don’t Run Out of Bullets.
–  Have Something Sharp for When You Inevitably Run Out of Bullets.

Now there will be some differing details when you get down to it: what routes to take, what kind of car/do you bother with a car, what’s the best melee weapon for dispatching the undead, who will kill you when you get your ass bit, etc?


Something snarky about how I wouldn’t be caught dead at the mall, anyway.

However, those are the basics.

What troubles me is that I seem to be the only one who has plan for nearly every sort of contingency.

Well, me and Batman.

And Black Panther.

And Reed Richards.

And Dr. Doom.

But that’s it.

Oh, yeah, and Cyclops.

Anyway, folks, zombies are really the least of our worries in terms of a breakdown of society.  Shamlbing rotting flesh isn’t a problem unless the zombie plague wipes flies, fungus, crows, and everything else that eats necrotic flesh.


Zombie virus trumps healing factor? Bullshit. Also, the Thing is a rock monster. What’d they bite?

You want to know what is real, though?

Ninjas.

Robots.

Cloning Technology.

Pirates.

You best believe shit just got real. What follows are some basic ideas and strategies for when the inevitable happens. And it will happen.

*Ninjas*

(the asterisks are like shurikens)


Wassup, my ninjas?

The first thing you need to worry about with ninjas is that while they don’t fear death, they don’t really want to die, either. So unlike dealing with zombies or xenomorphs that will blindly charge into the teeth of your guns, you’re dealing with crazy motherfuckers who will do whatever it takes to get to you. They’ll die for the cause, but you go first.

Now this mindset of theirs works because of how it works with your mindset, namely, “I have a gun, he has a sword, the fight is over.”


Don’t laugh. The knife-chain has ended better men than you.

The fight is not over. You need to stop thinking that their being at a technological disadvantage is automatically a winning advantage for you. Ninjas have been at a technological disadvantage since they were born in Japan hundreds of years ago. They were hill people fighting samurai who had more money, more people, and better gear.

So they were sneaky as all hell, and used whatever came to hand to do the job, including farming implements and other “harmless” everyday items.

To prep your home/fortress/bunker for Ninja invasion is to have everything make noise. The floors should be covered in broken glass, joy buzzers and mouse traps. Also, everyone who comes over has to wear a bell. Like a cat.

Second, remove everything you don’t need. And I don’t mean, “oh, I can’t live without my blow dryer.” You’re going to end up strangled with that cord, or have the business end of that dryer implanted in your goddamn thorax. Only keep what weapons you can carry on your person and any furniture that’s too big or too heavy to easily be used as a weapon.


I have a lot of pictures of Snake-Eyes on my hard drive. How many exactly? Let me give you a hint: ALL OF THEM.

Third, go outside your house, and take a nice long look at your domicile. You see all those corners, eaves, and overhangs? Lose them.  Every one is a perch for a grappling hook, each shadow hides a roof top infiltrator.  Move into a home shaped like a silo.  Round, smooth, and tall, there’s no way for ninjas to enter unconventionally. Now run an electric current through the outside.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, also be a ninja. Chances are if you’re also a ninja they’ll send many ninjas.

This works to your advantage due to something known as the “Inverse Ninja Theorem,” which basically means the more ninjas you add, the less effective they become individually.

Anytime a ninja, or really any sort of hench person shows up, they are unstoppable, but as soon as more of them arrive, the heroes begin to dispatch them with ruthless efficiency. Any movie with ninjas as villains is slave to this law, and it can also be seen in Buffy the Vampire Slayerwith the Uber-Vamps and the Puddies from Power Rangers.

Bonus points if you’re also a white ninja. While white ninjas are few in number, according to movies, tv, and comics, they are almost always the best ones.

*Robots*

(the asterisks are the robots’ cold, dead, eyes)

Despite numerous movies, novels, short stories, comic books, and television series about genocidal robot uprisings, people still insist on making the damn things so we’d better be prepared for Japan’s latest cock-up.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first: the robots basic weaknesses will be electromagnetic pulses, slippery floors (unless they have treads, then it’s stairs), extreme cold, and the emotion we humans call ‘love.’


At this point, I don’t think I can go a week without a blog somehow involving Predators, Terminators, or Batman.

The most consistently effective weapon, the electromagnetic pulse is kind of hard to come by. We really didn’t know about it until we started nuking shit (again, after Japan’s latest cock-up), and there hasn’t really been a call for a weapon that readily fries every thing even remotely related to electricity, partly because you can’t aim it.

So while it does fry up robots real good, it’s hard to do, and will actually work against you because well, while robots and technology are theoretically bad, do you know a better way to keep cold things cold and make light in the dark?

Next one doesn’t take too much explaining, slippery floors on cold, unfeeling metal feet? C’mon, even if there ankle joint was as complicated and adaptable as ours, they’d never feel the slipperiness until it’s too late.

Now, a lot of people have suggested extreme heat to fight the robots, and yes, it proved useful against T-1000, but do you have any idea how hot liquid metal is? It’s kept in giant vats made of lead. There’s no gun you can hold to distribute that heat. So cold it is.

It slows down the robot’s vital innerworkings, and if you’re lucky, gather enough water into sensitive areas to muck up the works, and cooling then warming metal generally makes it brittle and vulnerable to conventional attacks.

I don’t know what the scientific term for that, but it worked in the Fantastic Four movie.

Lastly, if all else fails, try to teach the robot the contradictions of being human. Most robots have seen the same movies we have, so it’s harder to use logic problems to overwhelm their CPUs. No longer will questions about God or using the internal logic of Asimov’s laws work against them, but if you bring up how a species can send three people to die looking for one lost hiker but still carpet bomb an entire country, or how an individual can be a loving parent but order the torture of others, generally they’ll explode.

Also, us fornicating really seems to upset them. I only bring this up because my robosapien committed self-termination the last time I brought a hooker home. A flithy, filthy hooker.

Speaking of conundrums and logic problems, the best way to fight robots, though, is with other robots. One T-800 is worth a hundred Kyle Reese’s, and even if they’re bullshit robots made out of RC cars or toasters, Shia ain’t got shit on Bumblebee when his arm’s a gun.


*guitar solo*

Your best bet is to somehow make the robots fall in love with humanity, usually via a puppy they’ve grown attached, too, or perhaps the laughter of children.

A puppy that laughs like a child however is an abomination and should be killed on sight.

*Dinosaurs*

(the asterisks are like tiny dinosaur tracks)

Jurassic Park: game-changing summer blockbuster that kept a young Matt in such fear that he couldn’t sleep for a week, or horrible portent of blighted days to come?

Probably the former, but when raptors are involved, I don’t take any chances, and you shouldn’t either.


“O, hai!”

First thing’s first, move to a colder climate. Actually, colder weather is a useful deterrent to nearly all threats. Zombies freeze; dinosaurs freeze; ninjas wear black and have no traction on their footies; robots hate the cold (except nuclear winter [metal]), in fact the only thing the winter cold can’t save you from is the much feared Bear Cavalry.


Dear Jesus that is awesome.

Second, make sure you have enough gun. Dinosaurs were so fearsome that the gods had to send a giant rock from space to kill them, with the added effect of a thousand year winter just to make sure.

Most of the time people will shoot at a 2 ton animal covered in scales and muscle with a handgun and then conclude that guns don’t work on dinosaurs. They absolutely work on dinosaurs. We shoot alligators, rhinos, hippos, sharks, tanks, planes, we can kill a fucking dinosaur.


“O, hai!”

Again, much like the colder climate, this can help with anything, get a bigger gun. This isn’t like buying a car or a TV where you need something more conservative, or works with the space, or is energy efficient; you want something that does the job and does it well.

Also explosions. There is no adaptive natural way to survive an explosion outside of being a rock, and even that usually involves becoming smaller rocks.


“O, hai!”

Get three guns. A giant fucking one that doesn’t move. A big one that you can carry with you, shot gun, elephant gun, SAW, etc, and a hand gun, say, a .44 Magnum. Or one of those handguns that fires shotguns shells like the Triads use.


How has this never appeared in a movie?

This is an excellent time to point out that you should probably never fuck with the Triads.

Now, most dinosaurs, while cunning predators, aren’t celebrated learners. Lots of traps around your home or rally point would work. Holes lined with punjii sticks, or swinging logs, shit, make a bunch of claymores, or fill barrels with shrapnel and explosives. Now in the event that raptors are the goddamn geniuses of the thunder lizard world, you need to adapt the military rule of cross fire to your traps. Like how multiple positions can overlap fire and cover each other, avoiding one trap should lead into another.


“O, HAI!!!”

This will ensure that only the smartest dinosaurs will survive to find out that being able to open doors means nothing against a bullet. Unless they figure out how to use the doors as shields. In which case we’re perma-fucked.


Scroll back up and look at the T-Rex, and then look at this guy again. Tell me nature doesn’t create cannon fodder.

Keep in mind that unlike robots, there are no good dinosaurs. Some dinosaurs aren’t hostile; some may not want to eat you, but these dinosaurs are generally useless and will make no attempt to save you from predators. If anything, they’ll leave you to die while they escape.


There are no words.

There is no such thing as a faithful dinosaur, Denver be damned.

*-*-*

I was going to throw in a section about pirates, but this is way too long already. So next time I’m out of ideas, look forward to part 2.

Matt

PS – I was probably seconds away from scrapping this entire write-up and just doing LOLasaurs for today.


O, hai, Golbloom. Golbloom, hai. Hai, hai, hai Golbloom. O, Golbloom? Golbloom, hai. I can haz kayos scyntist? nom nom nom.

Matt

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on July 13, 2010, in History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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