Comic Book Storytime: “Lady Gaga: Fame”

It is slightly appropriate that I first discovered Blue Water Comics’s line of comic books in a 7-Eleven. It didn’t strike me as anything too horrible; the publisher had previously made an issue about Hilary Clinton. “It’s just a series on famous babes”, I said to my recently purchased Coke Slushee. It wasn’t until now that I curiously browsed through the issue.

My god.

Don’t let the cover fool you; the contents inside contain such a horrendous mish-mash of ideas and confused sexual commentaries that it ONLY could fit inside a comic book about Lady Gaga. Or perhaps the insane scribblings of a closet sex predator who makes couch cushions out of vaginas.

Don’t believe me? If you enjoy metaphysical discussions between Baby Lady Gaga and a man in a schoolgirl’s body taking place in front of a giant Gaga groin, then read on.

It should be noted that the writer was intending to create a story about Lady Gaga’s hypnotic and liberating power over people. What came out was something almost offensive in its heavy-handed attempt to tell the story of a man who might just be a transvestite. He also might just be obsessed with celebrity. It’s really hard to tell in this one. Whatever your sexual preferences are, that is fine. ”Fame: Lady Gaga” tries to rationalize sexuality like a confused little boy who walked in on his parents partaking in “naked wrestling”.

Our Hero is a man obsessed with classic rock: Bowie, Queen, EVEN BLONDIE. He also is cursed with giant monkey arms.

Trapped in his house all day because no one will accept his disease, GiantMonkeyArmitis, Our Hero notices a siren on MTV: Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga is apparently also a Blowjob Demon.

His desire can wait no longer. “To the store!” He exclaims. It isn’t until he’s there that he remembers his horrible disfigurement and becomes nervous. “I’ll be out of here quickly before anyone can get the pitchforks and torches. I also must smell my purchase to make sure no one has tainted it with their impurities”.

If you’re masking your face with a cap and sweating profusely when little girls talk to you, you’re probably a child abductor.

Our Hero then goes home to watch more Lady Gaga and learn more abou- OK, there’s no way he isn’t masturbating to the “Paparazzi” video in the third panel.

On a side note, watch the Paparazzi video with this change of context: It’s a fake music video from Zoolander. It works much better that way. Lady Gaga in crutches is just Ben Still in designer clothing made of trash. It is that level of ridiculous.

If I called this next page “subtle”, reality would fold in on itself. “HEY READER THE GUY IS ATTRACTED TO GAGA BUT ALSO WANTS TO BE HER. ARE YOU GETTING IT YET, BUYER?”

Haha. It looks like the face on his shirt is wearing glasses.

As the dream goes on, Our Hero starts to follow around Lady Gaga as a child. This fulfills the book’s duty to be a biography of some sort. Imagine a horrible nightmare where you follow someone else around and just agree with whatever they say. IN THIS MAN’S DREAM HE IS A SLAVE.

TAKE THE RED PILL, NEO!

After he wakes up, he sees his music blog, “Jellyfish Rulez Blog”, has no visitors. Time to drown my sorrows at McDonalds.

And those first few pictures are him at work. Not prison. I know he’s wearing a blue jumper, but he is at work in a cubicle. OH GOD. What if the artist is saying work is like prison to him?

His wife/girlfriend/roommate/I-don’t-know-what-gender-its-supposed to be encourages him to continue his Lady Gaga obsession. Sure it’s OK if he pictures Gaga when they make love/mash each other, just don’t think about that MASSIVE TUMOR ON YOUR HEAD. If we don’t think about it and your giant muscle arms, good feelings and sunshine will cure you.

But work doesn’t understand him.  “Main Character, please don’t yell Lady Gaga songs at your coworkers”, The Boss says.

Unable to keep himself contained, he hits his favorite Mickey D’s for a public performance. Again I realize how this is probably supposed to be a story about sexual discovery. But it isn’t; it’s about a crazy person not understanding social cues or how to interact with others.

At this point I really just feel bad for everyone involved. Part of me wants Our Hero to discover himself. I want him to be happy. I feel bad for the artist; this is probably his big break. It sucks his biggest work is going to be such a mess. I feel bad for kids who bought this comic on newsstands thinking it’d be a comic where Lady Gaga fought guys in suits with the power of her magic boobs. Instead they got a horrific attempt at social commentary.

But then Lady Gaga appears as a Spectral Demon and possesses him.

His wife/girlfriend looks a LOT like Hoggish Greedly from Captain Planet.

Wait. Ed Asner was the voice of Hoggish? Too bad I already used my "Mind Blown" image for the day.

But don’t worry, readers. Worried that Our Hero’s big moment was nothing but a McDonald’s freakout? Video of his performance gets out on the internet. Gaga’s lawyers, instead of suing him for image defilement, notify Our Lord Queen Gaga that a new Acolyte has shown himself. Dear god, I will never stop saying “THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE IN THE HOUSE OF GAGA”.

It’s over for this story, but the tale continues. Gaga’s influence grows over the minds of men. Who will stop her? Who can usurp her reign? Justin Beiber?

OH GOD DAMN IT.

– Chad Quandt is Analogy Editor for Nonstop Karate.

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on July 16, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Comics, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Gaga is doing a concert in STL tonight. She brought no less than 6 tour buses with her.

  2. It’s a bad sign when one has trouble telling the men and women apart in the artwork, and they’re all butt-ugly.

  3. Lady Gaga as the drooling superhero. Who woulda thunk it.

  4. NUTS!I did a crazy long reply to your article but my internet crapped out and I lost it all! Oh well, just wanted to tell you that it was a great article! Great job!

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