Technology We Should Really Have at This Point

As you may or may not have heard, the British are developing force field technology. This is not a hoax, not a dream, not an ARG for the new Abrams’ movie; this is real life and it is amazing.

While watching TV earlier this year, there was a commercial for what was essentially a tricorder; a handheld x-ray device exists.

Invisibility is within our grasp.

We’re living in the future, folks. It’s like we’re inside a piece of a science-fiction, and it’s an extremely exciting time to be alive.  Which makes the fact that the following things don’t exist inexcusable and perhaps the truest example of some ol’ bullshit.

Hover-Bikes – I know flying cars are the high watermark of all novels about the future, and I know several people in real life who hold flying cars as their personal benchmark of fantastic technology, but flying cars are bullshit.  Do you have any idea how restricted the flight lanes would be, and how exacting all travel would have to be if flying was the norm for nearly every commuter in the country?

World’s worst design, or world’s greatest accident?

It’d be more of a headache than traffic now, with the added danger of your car breaking down AND then plummeting hundreds of feet to the earth.  Do you have any idea how many people died in early cars due to engineering and operating errors? Thousands.* And those only went 35 miles an hour.


But Hover-bikes, or speeder bikes as all the cool kids like to call them, are where it’s at.  They go super fast, sound crazy awesome and you can go literally anywhere. Rain, snow, road costructution, all of these everyday little “fuck you’s” from the universe disappear thanks to a bike that can go over damn near anything.

A board? That hovers? That’s pretty heavy, Doc.

The hoverboard from Back to the Future 2 was the greatest thing anyone in that universe had ever seen, and if someone were to make one today, and even if it were pink, they’d be made president.  They’d have to be, because no one would be able to top that.

Unless it were on a bike that hovered, shot lasers, and went a buck twenty in two seconds.

Unstable Molecules – Invented by Reed Richards, this is the material in the uniforms of the Fantastic Four, and probably everyone in the Marvel U except Spider-man, because Spider-Man can never be happy.

Cake sense…tingling!

What unstable molecules do is adapt. For example, they can transmit (conduct?) fire without being consumed, which is why the Human Torch is not constantly naked, and why the Invisible Woman’s clothes turn invisible with her.

“It sure is hard to be a respected scientist with your belly button showing.” Well, Reed, you also turned your best friend into an orange rock monster. Maybe worry about that first.

The Hulk’s pants are unstable molecules, and are why he can go back and forth from the Incredible Hulk to Puny Banner in comfort and style.

The applications for unstable molecules are endless. Firefighters dropped into burning forests would be wearing adaptable clothing, and would actually have fire shelters that could, for all intents and purposes, last forever.  Soldiers could wear body armor no heavier than a t-shirt that’s infinitely more powerful than kevlar lined with steel. Skateboarders could wear less obstructive protection gear, and holes and scrapes would be a thing of the past.

A young man out on the town wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed everytime he spilled sauce on his shirt and his friends laugh at him again even though they promised they’d STOP LAUGHING AT ME, GOD DAMN IT.


I’m just saying, indestructible, adaptive clothing are part of our rights as Americans.

Robot Suits – The future of warfare lies in robotics.

I was cheering for this guy the entire movie.

Robotic suits of armor driven by me. And maybe some other people. If there’s time.

I’m sorry, but we don’t need better jets. The F-22 Raptor is ungodly fast, radar invisible, and scary powerful, and for what?  Who are ever we going to go to war against that can put something in the air close to that?

China? Nope, they bought in and are basically capitalists at this point so why would they want to hurt their finances with a costly war?  Iraq? Iran? North Korea?

What we do need are suits that will protect the poor line grunt that has to ride through IED lined highways, kick down doors to look for insurgents, and fly while shooting missiles in hundreds of directions.

For America.

Could you imagine how scary it would be to fight something 20 feet tall that walks like a person, but is made of metal and covered in guns?  Why kick down the door when you can just rip off the roof?

How do you havea firefight with something that can easily and effortlessly fire a .50 caliber machine gun from any angle in any direction?

And all the little missiles? Gives me a little bit of broner, I mean seriously, have you seen Robotech?

I’d say 90% of those missiles are going to miss the bad robots and slam into schools and churches.

Goddamn awesome.

Super Soldier Serum – Gives whoever ingests it peak human abilities in every physical field. You’d be stronger than the greatest powerlifter and still be able to outrun the fastest sprinter, and display more agility than an Olympic level gymnast.

Real Americans are fearless in the face of ninjas.

To be honest, I need this guys. I really, really, really hate working out.

Stuff I’m Cool with Us Not Having.

Flying Cars – see above.  Same problems, just thousands of feet in the air.

Lightsabers – this hurt me to write, but we don’t need them anymore. It’s still just a sword in an era where everyone has guns, and since the Force (or is it midichlorians?*) doesn’t (don’t) exist no one’s going to be knocking away machine gun fire anytime soon.

*it’s not fucking midichlorians

It’s basically a beam of light that knows how to stop, which, um, what? If invented, the lightsaber would just be laser gun with the world’s most poorly designed handle for shooting, or, best-case scenario, it’s a laser sword that stretches into infinity. Which is not as awesome as you might think.

Every goddamn day.

Plus, could you imagine if they became widely available? No bank vault would be safe. Vandals could chop down every mailbox in a town with a flick of their wrist. Instead of keying your car, enemies could cut it in half.

This is another piece of tech that causes more problems than it solves.

Teleportation – essentially you are broken down atom by atom and assembled on the other side. Or you’re converted from matter to energy, shot somewhere, and converted back.

Guys, planes don’t run on time. Have you ever tried to catch a bus in LA after 6pm? Bumper to bumper traffic exists because some people have no concept of turn lanes, turn signals, flow of traffic, or planning ahead to get off at the right exit.

Good luck on not being turned into a pile of parts fused at the subatomic level. Idiots.

In a world filled with people who can’t handle this level of technology, you want to be taken apart at the atomic level, beamed thousands of miles to somewhere else where hopefully the computer can’t be perma-fucked by the idiot running it?

Fuck that.


Posted on July 19, 2010, in Matt Loman, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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