Dear Celebs: Chapter 95,000

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

You look like you're 45. And not a good 45.

Really? You just showed up? The last time you had a court date you went Roman Polanski on the Justice System and fled to France. While I haven’t been able to stand you since Mean Girls, I respected the fucking balls at the very least.

You didn’t even have a movie. You had nothing. Maybe some posters for a movie with no crew and no financing and you just went for it completely straight faced.

Sitting in court, you alternated between crying, smirking at the judge, staring off into space, and the entire time had “Fuck U” painted on your fingernails.

You're one of the most photographed people in the US. Walk me through your thought process.

Lindsay, this is how super-villains get started. A general contempt for humanity and the systems we’ve created, a complete lack of empathy, and the idea that everyone is out to get you.

You’re four or five months away from holding Los Angeles hostage with a Kryptonite Powered Doom Cannon, and now, just when it can’t get any better, it totally does when the LA Courts finally nut the fuck up and sentence you to prison. There your anger and contempt can only grow AND will allow you to recruit henchwomen to do your dirty work.

I’m more excited for your career in super crime than I would ever be for any of your movies ever again. Please, please, please, give into your dark impulses and become a super-villain.

"Very well, HW, I shall become a bat."

I’m 99% sure we could convince Daniel Day-Lewis that fighting your reign of terror would be the role of a lifetime, and he would just become Batman. I would very much like to see that fight.




Dear Brett Ratner,

This guy is more successful than all of us combined. I need a drink. Like, right now.

Time to pack it in, dude.

I’m not mad at you for running the X-Men franchise into the ground, or for whatever the Rush Hour series is supposed to be. That’s not what this letter is about. Hollywood has room for all kinds of directors, because the world has such a wide range of tastes.

This letter is about you basically being the nuclear option. Anytime someone wants to get their first choice as director on a movie, they mention your name and rather than go and direct a more personal project, they come running back.

Hercules, the Hobbit, X-Men: First Class, that last one is especially shocking since they used you in 2006 to get Bryan Singer to come back, and when it didn’t work out, they had to let you do it.

Your last theatrical release was three years ago, man. Do you really want to live the rest of your life as a cautionary tale? I’m not entirely sure what your skill set is, but maybe you could hang around middle schools and creep kids out?



Dear Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg,

You guys are going to have to start wearing shirts or hats that say your actual names on them, because I just now (7/20/10 at 4:47pm) found out that Michael Cera wasn’t in the Facebook movie.



Dear Jennifer Aniston,

By writing about her, she's still winning.

I don’t care. I don’t care about how you want a baby. Or how you don’t need a baby to be happy. I don’t care about who you’re falling for, but isn’t falling for you back. I don’t care which flavor of the month you’re dating, or what water you’re drinking. I don’t care about your diet.

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

You’re the only person in all of the tabloid magazines that actually does something beyond simply being famous for being famous, and for some reason that makes me hate you more than the entire cast of Jersey Shore and the Hills combined. Either do something or fuck off, but this hanging around the popular consciousness despite not being in anything good or successful needs to fucking end right now.



Dear Tom Hanks,

That's how I enter rooms and get out of cars.

You need to come down off your mountain and show everyone how to be a movie star. No more taking their clothes off in nice restaurants, no more just making any movie that’s thrown their way.

We need you to teach the current generation of celebrities how to not be everywhere and act like they have some goddamn sense. Take a break from adapting Dan Brown novels and just host a series of talks at whatever club or restaurant is the new IT place right now, and beat them if necessary.

I know it’s been a while since you did a straight comedy, but if you wouldn’t mind straight murdering everyone responsible for the Epic Movie style films that’d be great. I’m asking you because you’re the only one with the clout to kill that many people and walk away.



About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on July 21, 2010, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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