I’m Coping Well with not Going to Comic Con.

The San Diego Comic Con started today, and for the second year in a row since moving to Southern California, I don’t get to go.

The din is terrible. And the smell? ...the smell...

But all of my friends are.

So while all those jerks abandon me to a weekend of boredom, anger, self-loathing, and stress-eating, I’ve compiled a list of things to keep me busy.

The first thing I do every morning is eat a healthy breakfast then fight wave after wave of goons.

Perfect My Already Devastating Kung Fu: Now that my roommate will be in San Diego drunkenly dry humping girls (and prettier boys) dressed like Sailor Moon, I have free reign to run around the house with my nunchuks. I’ll also take the time to hone my empty hand techniques by practicing forearm strikes and chops using a hammer on his computer and dresser.

That's awesome. That's living every week like it's Shark Week.

Then I will hit them with his own car which he left me the keys for like an idiot who doesn’t know what I’m like when I get drunk and angry.

Switch Rooms: My roommate has the bigger room in our apartment. I’m going to switch all our stuff around so I have the bigger room. When he comes back I’ll act like it was always that way, and he’s acting crazy. This will almost certainly lead to me pretending like I can’t see or hear him. Since I already broke his computer with his car, all I have to do is steal his phone, thus cutting him off from the outside world. I’ll be able to convince him he’s a ghost for at least eight hours.

First the hacking, and then the breaking and entering.

Break Into Everyone’s House: All of my friends are going to Comic Con, and since most of them live together, there are a shit load of houses guarded by nothing more than house cats. Cats are lazy and loyal to no one, which is the only time in history they will ever have been useful. After collecting TV’s and couches, I’ll once again act like I’ve always had these things and that they’re crazy. If anyone tries to steal my stuff back, I’ll murder them with my now flawless martial arts prowess.

This leads directly into the next thing.

I wish my crew did fun and exciting team-building exercises like this.

Go on a Crime Spree: Now that all those meddlers and do gooders are thousands of miles away (Matt’s Kryptonite is geography. And math. And science. And alcohol. And redheads – Management), there’s no one to stop my daring heist of nearby museums, banks, and robbing the upper crust at high society events. I’ll hold the entire city of Los Angeles hostage, have Joss Whedon make a musical about it, and finally kill my nemesis, Nathan fuckin’ Fillion.

Get a load of this jerk.

The only bitch is coming up with a costume, a hook, finding henchmen, and buying different vehicles that all look like my head or have my face painted on them.

I can’t get henchmen without capital, but I need help looting the LACMA. How hard it is to learn how to hypnotize people? Easy, or super easy?

Clean the Apartment: We haven’t actually cleaned it since we moved, but to our credit, it’s still fairly clean. I’d clean it with my roommate, but after I asked him to lend a hand, he brought in a hose and, somehow, a fire hydrant. I’m suspecting he did this on purpose to stop me from asking him in the future. It’s a dangerous chess game between a cat and a mouse at our place.

m/ *guitar solo* m/

Fight Crime: While I become the most successful super criminal the world has ever known, the world will cry out for a savior, and unlike Rorschach, I’ll say yes. I’ll be so villainous that when Hero Me shows up, they won’t care that I’m a maverick loose cannon, just as long as I get results. And I’m not going to be one of those pussy heroes that doesn’t carry a gun or kill his enemies. If Batman shot the Joker, he’d just be remembered as some asshole who tried to rob a bank wearing make-up.

I’ll have carte blanche to do whatever I want, just like my hero:


Wielding this freedom, I’ll finally be able to kill my other nemesis, Neil fuckin’ Patrick fuckin’ Harris.

Hey. When's the second one of these come out?

He has to be stopped. For Christ’s sake, people, he’s a triple threat! TRIPLE.

Man, I wish I could kick it with Tron Dog.

Pantsless O’Clock: Aw, yeaaaah. You ever watch Tron with no pants on?

The crab face is a nice touch.

Summon the Elder Gods, Raise R’lyeh, and Sing the Song that Ends the World: Nerds love Cthulhu so imagine how excited they’ll be when he surfaces outside of San Diego and harvests sanity. Look, if I can’t dress up like sexy Boba Fett and harass my heroes, then no one can.

Like this, but even sexier, because it's me.

Fuck balls to all y’alls.

Matt, OUT.

*drops mic*

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on July 23, 2010, in Comics, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Awesome post. At least you can wander past comic con and LOOK at it. I’m 2000 miles away and squirming in nerdy nerdy jealousy and swag desire. And you need to accept the fact that NPH cannot be stopped. He’s in the m-fing Smurfs Movie, man.

  2. If you need an art heist accomplice I’m your girl! Also, for sheer drama and impact I vote for robbing the Getty. You would need to either epically battle your way down the hill it’s on or get a helicopter to come up over the cliff and cart you away as a firestorm of bullets rain down on you from their security team (because honestly, if any museum uses real weapons instead of rent-a-cops it’s the fucking Getty). Also, pantsless o’clock should be an all day, every day occurance. At least that was my motto during the recent heat wave. Watching Tron with no pants, reenacting Tron on your lawn with no pants, really this is a no-lose situation. Pants are for the weak.

    • I haven’t been to the Getty, yet, so it’s not as well scouted as the LACMA. However, a daring escape by helicopter has sold me on it. Dress like a ninja and meet at the base of the Getty in five hours.

      Matt

  3. I don’t know what you should do about henchmen but I think you should hire Danny McBride playing Cody from Tropic Thunder. With his pyromania you could create a distraction, destruction and eliminate your enemies all in one.

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