Live Everyday Like a Superhero
I had a revelation the other day. It was in the gym (yeah, that’s right, I work out *flexes* *gets winded* *naps*), and I was hanging from a pull up bar, with a weight strapped to my legs, and my trainer (yeah, that’s right, I don’t work out, I train *flexes* *shits pants* *falls over*), was loading the tennis ball cannon for another barrage when I realized something.
“Holy shit, I’m training like Batman.”
Which got me thinking, and not about Batman specifically, but like most of us, Batman is usually on the periphery of my thoughts, rather, how else I can use the lessons of our modern mythology, that wholly American creation, the superhero, and apply it to my life? What follows is a bit of deliberation and meditation on how we can all find our inner hero.
The Hero: Spider-Man
Who? Just your friendly neighborhood web-slinger. Bitten by a radioactive (or is it now genetically engineered?) spider, young Peter Parker gained the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of spider, in addition to the ability to stick to walls and an early warning “spider-sense.” He initially used his powers for personal gain until a devastating personal loss taught him that with great power comes great responsibility.
Why? No matter how shitty your life is, Peter Parker’s is worse. You don’t have health insurance? His Aunt May was savagely beaten by Venom. Having trouble making rent? Electro blew up his goddamn house. Hungry? The Kingpin tried to eat him. Dealing with loss and disappointment is what is life is all about, and Spider-Man has a black belt in rising above tragedy. Also, web-slinging looks fun as hell.
How? Originally he was bitten by an irradiated spider, so my advice to you is to immediately microwave an arachnid and let it bite you. Repeatedly. Everywhere.
Ways to make it happen:
– See that wall over there? Climb that bitch.
– See that rope? Swing that bitch.
– Spray a white sticky substance over everything and everyone.
– Spider-sense will make it impossible to sneak up on you, scare you, and will probably warn you if that person you’re talking to at the bar has Hep.
– If you live in a city, moving like a spider will make traffic a non-issue.
– Some crazy motherfucker is going to throw your girlfriend off a bridge, but you’ll end up being the one who kills her.
– Also, everyone who dies in comics comes back, except your loved ones.
– Your enemies, however, are fucking immortal.
The Hero: The Thing
Who? Aunt Petunia’s favorite nephew, the ever-loving blue-eyed Thing. A test pilot who roomed with scientist Reed Richards, Benjamin J. Grimm flew Reed’s experimental test craft into space, but Richards underestimated the radiation in the Van Allen belt, and the crew was bombarded with cosmic rays. Upon returning to Earth, everyone else got awesome superpowers; Grimm turned into a rock monster.
Why? Don’t let the rocky exterior throw you; Ben Grimm is the fucking man. First off, his last name is Grimm. That’s cool as shit. Second he’s a beer drinking, hard fighting son of a bitch. Reed Richards is a thinker, and Ben doesn’t have time for nerds. While Reed’s getting all sciency, Ben’s already punching monsters and killer robots. He’s like a mix of favorite uncle and Rocky Balboa.
How? Like all the great heroes, you’re going to have to be irradiated. Construct a spaceship, and then shield it like a jackass. Once that’s done, fly into space, sit back, and let the cosmic rays do all the work.
Ways to Make it Work:
– Join a gang to make you toughen up.
– Learn to fly airplanes and spacecraft.
– Become a rock monster.
– Drink booze and fight giant mole creatures.
– Near invulnerable and super strong? Literally no one will ever fuck with you. Except the Hulk.
– On top of that, you will get to yell “it’s clobbering time” before doing anything.
– Food; clobberin’ time.
– Road trip; clobberin’ time.
– Sex; oh yeah, it’s clobberin’ time.
– Only blind girls are going to be into you. If you’re an avid comic book reader, not much is going to change.
The Hero: the Flash
Who? Heh, the Flash is a “generational hero.” This means there are like fifty fucking versions. Each one legitimately the Flash. At the same time. The long answer involves me having to say “Hypertime” a lot, so we’ll go with the short answer: the Flash is made of “goes fast.”
Why? He can do everything faster than light, including learn. What couldn’t you do with unlimited time and the ability to be anywhere in a few seconds?
How? Radiation! Just kidding. You have to be struck by lightning while standing by chemicals. Duh.
Ways to Make it Work:
– Cardio, cardio, cardio. Lots of distance running to build up endurance, and sprints for explosive power, then endurance sprints. Those are when you sprint for hundreds of miles. You can do it. I believe in you.
– Vibrate your molecules at such a rate that you literally slide through objects at a sub-atomic level. I’m not sure if there’s actually a machine or exercise program that can help you do that.
– Super speed.
– The ability to lend or steal speed from objects around you.
– You can be anywhere nearly instantly.
– You don’t actually control time, so boring things will seem like they last infinity times infinity.
– I know what you’re thinking, you can hang out in women’s locker rooms or the changing room at Victoria’s Secret, but that much kinetic energy is going to move a lot of wind. Also, sonic booms. They won’t catch you, but you’ll basically be branded a peeping tom or worse, and hey, you have to sleep sometime.
– To really get the most out of this power, you need a solid understanding in physics. Physics is for nerds.
– Prepare to endure endless jokes about your staying power in the bedroom. Pussy.
The Hero: Batman
Who? Bruce Wayne was only a child when his parents were murdered in an alley by a mugger. That night, Bruce Wayne the child, died, and something else was born. In honor of his parents, he swore to wage an unending war on crime, and traveled the world studying under the greatest thinkers and fighters, honing his body and mind to the peak of human perfection. To the public he’s an urban myth. To the criminals, he’s the boogeyman. To other heroes, he’s still the boogeyman.
Why? He’s a billionaire ninja who’s considered a peer by Superman. What the fuck have you done today?
How? A complete and utter overhaul of your life. Eat better, and work out constantly; push yourself to the limits of human endurance. Train your mind in a similar fashion, turning it into a crime-fighting super computer that learns new skills in seconds and never misses a single detail. You’ll probably need a life defining tragedy in order to really set you down the proper path. Oh, and billions of dollars to fund this enterprise since you won’t have time for a job.
Ways to Make it Work:
– Dress up like a rodent.
– Jump off of rooftops and onto the necks of criminals.
– Do everything short of murder to criminals.
– Fight clowns, people obsessed with puzzles, and Alice and Wonderland fans. Wow, Batman sucks when you say it like that.
– Sweet car.
– Sweeter jet.
– Grappling hooks.
– Boomerangs shaped like you.
– Hate sex with Catwoman.
– Pretty much the best clubhouse, ever. I take that back, the Fortress of Solitude is probably slightly better.
– Talking in the Batman voice is going to thrash your vocal cords.
– You’ll be surrounded by people who can fly, out run time, and create anything limited only by their will power and imagination, but, I mean, hey, thanks for bringing the smoke bombs.
– Your constant companions are going to be an old British fruit and a young boy in tight green speedos who likes to do hand stands. I’m not saying you’re a pervert or anything, but you know how people talk.
The Hero: Aquaman:
Who? Spawn of the union between a human and an Atlantean, Arthur Curry was born with blond hair, making him a pariah among his own people. Banished, he made his own way in the world of man, returning to Atlantis in its hour of greatest need and becoming its greatest king. His is an empire that spans two-thirds of the globe. His vision is omnipresent, his reach felt by friend and foe of the ocean alike.
Why? Royalty has its perks. And you can, uh, sharks… you know? I’m sorry. Aquaman fucking sucks. He was cool twice when Grant Morrison was writing him on JLA, but Morrison wrote 60 issues. That’s a terrible average. I mean, how are you not awesome when of the greatest writers to ever put word to page can’t do anything with you. Fuck, it was a bad idea to include him on this list.
How? Your mom needs to bone someone of a different species. Really puts the radioactive spider into context, doesn’t it?
– Lean swimmer’s body.
– Can talk to sharks to tell them not to eat you. Because sharks are really team players.
– You can hold your breath forever.
– You are a founding member of the Justice League.
– You’re only on the Justice League because someone has to run and get food.
– You’re stronger than the strongest man, but on a team with Superman, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter.
– You’re fast in the water, but there’s no way you’re faster than Superman. Shit, or even the Flash with a snorkel.
– People who have just walked into a room, but haven’t seen you will always say in a too loud voice, “what smells like fish?”
– You’re name is Aquaman, but you can’t actually control water. God, this was a bad idea.
Aquaman sucks; I’m tired; another Wednesday in the books.
Posted on August 4, 2010, in Comics, Lists, Matt Loman and tagged aquaman, Batman, Batman Again, comics, Flash, Jesus Matt do you have a crush on Batman or something it's getting weird, Spider-Man, The Thing. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.