Matts from Two Eras Discuss the Expendables.
I’m so fucking excited for the Expendables you guys. I’m also looking forward to seeing Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but I grew up on action movies long before I got into long metaphors about physically fighting someone’s past/emotional baggage + scars through the magic of indie rock and videogames.
Actually as a general rule for interacting with me:
Anything (except boobs) < explosions.
Boobs = explosions.
Does this mean I get physically aroused by explosions and fire?
Of course it does.
I am so excited for the Expendables, that I’m going to spend the days leading up to it, locked into a Man Movie Marathon, or Manathon, and eating red meat and HGH exclusively. I will also only answer to the nickname “Beast Mode.”
Deal with it.
I managed to focus my excitement for the Expendables like a goddamn laser and invented a time machine so I could communicate with my 13 year-old self and let him know about the awesomeness that’s coming.
26: Okay, so there’s a movie coming out about this gang of mercenaries who go to South America and fuck shit up.
13: That sounds like every action movie, ever.
26: Bad attitude.
13: Just sayin.’
26: It’s starring Sylvester Stallone.
13: Is it a new Rambo?!
26: No, but that already came out. He ripped a guy’s throat out with his bare hands!
13: Roadhouse style?!
26: Better! It’s totes gorier!
13: Yea- wait, ‘totes?’
26: Short for ‘totally.’ Everyone in the future says it.
13: The future sounds retarded.
26: Totes retarded. Anyway, Dolph Lundgren’s in it!
13: “I must break you.” “He is like thing of iron.”
26: “I must break you.” “If he dies, HE DIES.”
Editor’s Note: We’re going to skip ahead, because the next ten minutes of the recording is Moron and Idiot quoting Lundgren in Rocky IV. Keep in mind Ivan Drago says maybe 40 words in the entire movie, and neither one can do a good impersonation.
13: We’re really good at that.
26: Crazy good at that. Oh, yeah, Stone Cold’s in it.
13: That’s amazing. What about the Rock?
26: No, but keep an eye out for the Rundown. After that, he just starts doing family bullshit.
13: What? But he’s the People’s Champion!
26: Yeah, well, now he’s the People’s Tooth Fairy.
13: Why? Is he outclassed or something by other guys?
26: No, in the future the streets and culture ran rampant with what we’re calling hipsters, and they’re a bunch of skinny little pricks, but they have disposable income, so all the male leads and action heroes in every movie are skinny little pricks.
13: That sucks.
26: Wait’ll you see who they get to play the lead in Transformers.
13: …the movie’s not about Optimus Prime..?
26: Nope. Skinny prick and Bumblebee, but Bumblebee doesn’t talk.
13: Like Snake-Eyes?
26: Nothing like Snake Eyes.
13: *sighs heavily* At least this movie sounds good.
26: There are other guys, all are really cool, but you haven’t heard of them, yet. But, I’ve been saving the best for last, though. Jet. Li.
13: That is so awesome. Oh man, do you remember the first time we saw Fist of Legend?
13: It was yesterday for me!
13: He killed a guy with a belt! A belt!
26: And he punched another guy right in the foot! Oh, dude, you’ve got to watch when the general kicks the statue in half, keep an eye on the top.
13: What? Why?
26: It’s hilarious. I don’t want to spoil it.
13: Is Jackie Chan in the Expendables?
26: Nah. Jackie’s kind of beat up at this point. Lots of wires and stuff.
13: That’s hard to hear.
26: Harder to watch.
13: It’s not a contest.Do Jet Li and Jackie Chan ever team up and do a movie?
13: Was it awesome? Like Drunken Master 2 meets Fist of Legend?
26: …it’s nothing like that…
13: Oh, no…
26: Lots of wires and special effects, Jet Li plays the Monkey King as super gay, like the equivalent of blackface, but for homosexuals, and a white kid learns kung fu and saves China.
26: Plus the fight scenes are shitty, and they found people who could barely speak English for the other roles.
13: Because why would they make it in China with a good stunt crew?
26: Yeah, it wasn’t even shot well. There’s going to be a movie coming out for you pretty soon called the Matrix, and it’s going to make your brain shit its pants. It’s so awesome that Hollywood is going to steal every fucking thing from it except how to shoot a goddamn action scene.
13: The future sounds stupid.
26: It really kind of is. But this movie might turn it all around. It’s rated R and they’ve got it stacked with tough guys and badasses, and every three seconds in the trailer there’s gunfire or an explosion. There’s even an automatic shotgun.
13: THEY MAKE THOSE?
26: Are you freaking out?
13: I AM FREAKING OUT. Oh, hey, while you’re here, what do boobs feel like?
26: Pretty much the best thing, ever.
13: Awesome. In the future, do I grow out of my awkward phase and have ladies hanging all over me?
26: *laughs uncontrollably for 20 minutes* Wow, I guess we’ve always been funny.
13: *stares out window as tears silently fall down cheeks.* So is it the greatest movie, ever?
26: I didn’t see it, yet.
13: What? When’s it come out?
26: About a week from when I left.
13: You have a time machine and you didn’t jump ahead to see it?
26: I got super excited and wanted to tell you first?
13: Oh. Oh! Does that mean we’re going to go see it!?
26: Uh, no…it’s only got enough juice to bring me back to the point in time I left…
13: Oh, okay, so I have to spend the next ten years-
13: Yes. Thank you. The next thirteen years waiting for this movie to come out in painful anticipation because of the guy who got so excited he forgot to go watch it! You’re an idiot! A big stupid idiot!
13: It’s supposed to hurt you butthole! Do we receive a severe blow to the head in the future? Is there a scenario coming up where we fall into a pit filled with lead-based paint chips and we have to eat our way out?
26: Hey! Come on! Dawg! It’s not my fault. 20 year old Matt was a heavy drinker and the less said about 23 year old Matt the better. We were in a fucked up place, but we’re better now, I just got excited and forgetful.
13: I hate you.
26: I’m really sorry. If I had a time machine and could go back and fix this-
13: But you do! You have a freaking time machine!
26: A better one.
13: Whatever. Hey, I hope this doesn’t screw up the future, but that girl from soccer-
26: Never even touches you.
13: GOD DAMN IT.
I’ll see you guys at the theater.
Posted on August 6, 2010, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged action, always beware the Timecop rules, Drago, Li, Matt Loman, movies, Stallone, Stone Cold, the Expendables, time travel paradox. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.