Matts from Two Eras Discuss the Expendables.

I’m so fucking excited for the Expendables you guys. I’m also looking forward to seeing Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but I grew up on action movies long before I got into long metaphors about physically fighting someone’s past/emotional baggage + scars through the magic of indie rock and videogames.

Actually as a general rule for interacting with me:

Anything (except boobs) < explosions.

Boobs = explosions.

Does this mean I get physically aroused by explosions and fire?

Of course it does.

I really need this tattooed on my face. Or lower back. You know, for the ladies.

I am so excited for the Expendables, that I’m going to spend the days leading up to it, locked into a Man Movie Marathon, or Manathon, and eating red meat and HGH exclusively. I will also only answer to the nickname “Beast Mode.”

Deal with it.

I managed to focus my excitement for the Expendables like a goddamn laser and invented a time machine so I could communicate with my 13 year-old self and let him know about the awesomeness that’s coming.

26: Okay, so there’s a movie coming out about this gang of mercenaries who go to South America and fuck shit up.

13: That sounds like every action movie, ever.

26: Bad attitude.

13: Just sayin.’

26: It’s starring Sylvester Stallone.

13: Is it a new Rambo?!

That Asian guy is so fucked. Just beyond fucked.

26: No, but that already came out. He ripped a guy’s throat out with his bare hands!

13: Roadhouse style?!

26: Better! It’s totes gorier!

What an awesome way to die for such a shitty character.

13: Yea- wait, ‘totes?’

26: Short for ‘totally.’ Everyone in the future says it.

13: The future sounds retarded.

26: Totes retarded. Anyway, Dolph Lundgren’s in it!

Big Red Machine's coming.

13: “I must break you.” “He is like thing of iron.”

26: “I must break you.” “If he dies, HE DIES.”

Editor’s Note: We’re going to skip ahead, because the next ten minutes of the recording is Moron and Idiot quoting Lundgren in Rocky IV. Keep in mind Ivan Drago says maybe 40 words in the entire movie, and neither one can do a good impersonation.

13: We’re really good at that.

26: Crazy good at that. Oh, yeah, Stone Cold’s in it.

The Stunner! End the match! Call it! With God as my witness, he's been broken in half!

13: That’s amazing. What about the Rock?

26: No, but keep an eye out for the Rundown. After that, he just starts doing family bullshit.

13: What? But he’s the People’s Champion!

26: Yeah, well, now he’s the People’s Tooth Fairy.

How is the guy from Step Up a more viable action star? I hate everything.

13: Why? Is he outclassed or something by other guys?

26: No, in the future the streets and culture ran rampant with what we’re calling hipsters, and they’re a bunch of skinny little pricks, but they have disposable income, so all the male leads and action heroes in every movie are skinny little pricks.

13: That sucks.

26: Wait’ll you see who they get to play the lead in Transformers.

This is fake, right?

13: …the movie’s not about Optimus Prime..?

26: Nope. Skinny prick and Bumblebee, but Bumblebee doesn’t talk.

13: Like Snake-Eyes?

Can Tim Bradstreet just draw everything?

26: Nothing like Snake Eyes.

13: *sighs heavily* At least this movie sounds good.

26: There are other guys, all are really cool, but you haven’t heard of them, yet. But, I’ve been saving the best for last, though. Jet. Li.

13: That is so awesome. Oh man, do you remember the first time we saw Fist of Legend?

Can someone please find this guy a decent Western action director?

26: Yes!

13: It was yesterday for me!

26: AWESOME.

13: He killed a guy with a belt! A belt!

26: And he punched another guy right in the foot! Oh, dude, you’ve got to watch when the general kicks the statue in half, keep an eye on the top.

13: What? Why?

26: It’s hilarious. I don’t want to spoil it.

13: Is Jackie Chan in the Expendables?

26: Nah. Jackie’s kind of beat up at this point. Lots of wires and stuff.

13: That’s hard to hear.

26: Harder to watch.

13: It’s not a contest.Do Jet Li and Jackie Chan ever team up and do a movie?

26: Uh…yeah…

13: Was it awesome? Like Drunken Master 2 meets Fist of Legend?

26: …it’s nothing like that…

13: Oh, no…

26: Lots of wires and special effects, Jet Li plays the Monkey King as super gay, like the equivalent of blackface, but for homosexuals, and a white kid learns kung fu and saves China.

Ugh.

13: CRAP!

26: Plus the fight scenes are shitty, and they found people who could barely speak English for the other roles.

13: Because why would they make it in China with a good stunt crew?

26: Yeah, it wasn’t even shot well. There’s going to be a movie coming out for you pretty soon called the Matrix, and it’s going to make your brain shit its pants. It’s so awesome that Hollywood is going to steal every fucking thing from it except how to shoot a goddamn action scene.

13: The future sounds stupid.

26: It really kind of is. But this movie might turn it all around. It’s rated R and they’ve got it stacked with tough guys and badasses, and every three seconds in the trailer there’s gunfire or an explosion. There’s even an automatic shotgun.

13: THEY MAKE THOSE?

That's outstanding.

26: Are you freaking out?

13: I AM FREAKING OUT. Oh, hey, while you’re here, what do boobs feel like?

26: Pretty much the best thing, ever.

13: Awesome. In the future, do I grow out of my awkward phase and have ladies hanging all over me?

26: *laughs uncontrollably for 20 minutes* Wow, I guess we’ve always been funny.

13: *stares out window as tears silently fall down cheeks.* So is it the greatest movie, ever?

26: I didn’t see it, yet.

13: What? When’s it come out?

26:
About a week from when I left.

13: You have a time machine and you didn’t jump ahead to see it?

26: I got super excited and wanted to tell you first?

13: Oh. Oh! Does that mean we’re going to go see it!?

26: Uh, no…it’s only got enough juice to bring me back to the point in time I left…

13: Oh, okay, so I have to spend the next ten years-

26: Thirteen.

13: Yes. Thank you. The next thirteen years waiting for this movie to come out in painful anticipation because of the guy who got so excited he forgot to go watch it! You’re an idiot! A big stupid idiot!

26: Hurtful.

13: It’s supposed to hurt you butthole! Do we receive a severe blow to the head in the future? Is there a scenario coming up where we fall into a pit filled with lead-based paint chips and we have to eat our way out?

26: Hey! Come on! Dawg! It’s not my fault. 20 year old Matt was a heavy drinker and the less said about 23 year old Matt the better. We were in a fucked up place, but we’re better now, I just got excited and forgetful.

13: I hate you.

26: I’m really sorry. If I had a time machine and could go back and fix this-

13: But you do! You have a freaking time machine!

26: A better one.

13: Whatever. Hey, I hope this doesn’t screw up the future, but that girl from soccer-

26: Never even touches you.

13: GOD DAMN IT.

*-*-*

I’ll see you guys at the theater.

Beast Mode

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Posted on August 6, 2010, in Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Few things. I threw up in my mouth at the picture of the Beef and threw up again remembering that people actually called him that.

    At first I was confused how 13yo Matt could not have seen the Friday (After Next) with Terry Crews…and then realized it was the third Friday movie. BUT! I imagine 13 yo Matt would have seen Bullet (w/ Rourke, Tupac and….Adrien Brody!?!) or at least Double Team (w/ Rourke and Rodman).

    I feel like this movie will fulfill its duty as a one-liner filled explosion fest. Had it been created maybe 5 years earlier I think it would have hit the aging guys just at their twilight and gave the guys on the downswing one more shot at glory.Surprisingly I think the most relevant stars of this movie are Crews and Statham. Craziness!

    Biggest disappointment is that “Ahnald” is dealing with the crisis that is California and could only pull off a cameo. He’s the star of the best action movie of all time and would have put the cast over the top.

    Biggest win…its not in 3D.

    • By the way, the new Predator sucked. I happened to see the original a couple nights ago and even in its broken up Spike TV format it was miles better than the new one. Bright side…the Yakuza actually proved to be much more of a bad ass than expected but only because the Predator decided to play fair. Lucky bastard.

      • Arnold needed to be in Predators and the Expendables, but he’s going to need some of the Hulk juice that Sly’s on. Have you seen that guy’s arms? Jesus.

        I liked Predators. While not as good as one or even two, it was a fun installment, and it was something the Predator and Alien franchises haven’t been in a while, competent. I wanted Predators, and gun fights, and deaths, and I got it.

        And your knowledge of Crews resume and other early 90’s action fare is astounding, which eclipses 13-year-old Matt’s by a lot.

        Matt

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