Point/Counter Point: Business Practices in the Film Industry

I Own All You Bitches.

by Michael Bay

‘Sup sluts?

Yeah, Mike Blizow Blizay here to tell all the indie kids and the other offshoots from that family tree of faggotry that I’ll be expecting apologies, and maybe gifts (I accept all major credit cards, live animals, and sex) for funding all your flights of fancy into each others’ assholes.

It was recently brought to my attention by one of my body guards, either the ex-SEAL with the eye patch or the Israeli commando who’s secretly half robot, that due to tricky accounting, shell corporations, studio buy outs, and all kinds of Jason Bourne shit, I’ve actually funded, like, a trillion crappy movies about nothing. My big budget, summer tent pole pictures, make over 500 million dollars, and a lot of that is spent on gun powder and flying cars, but a big chunk of that is used to pay for stupid movies about stupid cancer. Or adoption. Or trannies. But not hot trannies.

(gross.)

Oh, man, all those years of taking shit from assholes who aren’t good enough to make movies is finally worth it. I’ve eaten several condors before, but never crow. Let me know how that tastes bloggers.

MIKE Laaaawwrryyyyyy...


Everytime I set off an explosion or a robot pees on an up tight government agent, a Garden State gets its wings. Whenever Mike Lawry shoots a Klansman, a the Kids Are All Right, lurches forward like Frankenstein’s monster without any kind of actual arc.

So, these are real lesbians, huh?

I mean, yes, the “drama” of “living” is really important, otherwise how else would people know that life sucks sometimes?

Oh wait, you know where people see “living?” In their fucking lives. You know what they don’t see everyday? Three story tall robots punching each other right in the dick. But please, continue making movies reminding people that work sucks and their kids are all idiots, and then declare yourselves artists.

I will be happy to keep funding your piddly, dip shit, efforts. Whenever you watch a Zach Braff movie, you’ll see this face.

Gaze...

The next time Herzog gets US distribution, you will see this face.

Gaze into the abyss...

And every time you’re in line at a theater that only serves organic popcorn and artisan drinks, I want you to picture this when you give a prayer of thanks through your gay little theater kid scarf.

But don't be surprised when the abyss gazes back...

*summons pillar of fire* *disappears*

Suck My Dick

by James Cameron

Hey, look, it’s the Junior Varsity. What’s your total world box-office again, Mikey? No, sorry, that’s not right, below the belt. we’ll make it fair, let’s do any of your two movies versus any two of my movies.

How about we do all your movies against my last two?

How about you suck my billion dollar, studio saving, world creating, King Midas like dick?

I’m single handedly responsible for keeping the cesspool of smarmy, Ed Hardy Shirts, and Axe Body Spray that is Los Angeles from becoming the world’s largest slum before sliding into the ocean.

Which I’m cool with happening, because then I get to invent a new submarine and camera to document the ruins of Los Atlantis.

Did you hear that I keep having to invent technology because the combined sciences of five thousand years of civilization can’t keep up with my vision?

Then I patent those devices, and if every movie that comes after my latest opus doesn’t want to look like a malformed and aborted turd, they have to use my gear. It has my name on it.

Ballingest.

Listen, Michael, I think it’s adorable that you have your little movies based off of toys whereas I craft a fully realized world with every picture I make. I respect you. Like a purse dog taking a run at a rottweiler. It’s ill advised and won’t end well, but you got heart. If, for some reason, all the 13-year-olds in the world suddenly learn to read and you have a hard time making ends meet you can be my director of photography. You’ll help me line up shots, review lighting, and be in charge of SUCKING MY DICK.

I AM FOREVER.

*ascends to the Heavens in golden hover yacht*

Counter-Counter-Point

by Matt Loman

So, uhm, do you guys want to like hang out?

I, uh, I have some questions regarding time travel paradoxes in the Terminator series, and the disappearance of mass when Optimus Prime transforms. Maybe get a beer and talk about robots?

*pees pants* *leaves*

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on August 26, 2010, in Character, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. “(I accept all major credit cards, live animals, and sex)”

    Wait….is Michael Bay a PETA supporter?

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