Shut Up, Baby
An old college friend of mine got into contact with me, and it was a lot of fun catching up over drinks and stuff. Today’s author comes from a time in my life when I wasn’t exactly a stellar human being, which might explain why it’s been so long since he and I talked.
He did not, and does not, bring out the best in me.
Having said that, a bet’s a bet, so here’s Bryce Coleburn’s first article for Nonstop Karate.
Shut Up, Baby.
by Bryce Coleburn
Listen babies, shut up for a second and let me talk some jive at you.
Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Bryce Coleburn and I’d like to audition for the role of guy who fucks you all the time.
I think my credentials speak for themselves.
*lifts up shirt to reveal six pack with ‘Oxford O.G’ written across them*
And lets not forget the rest of my CV.
*puts dick on table*
Now that we’re done with the pro-LOG *gestures to dick* we can get down to brass tacks. I find you women extremely attractive, and I’d like to heave my sex at you. I’ve studied all of the tantric arts and can last for tens of minutes, easily hitting all of your holes, bringing you to brink of erotic surrender again and again; until I finally come like a freight train.
A FREIGHT TRAIN.
I know what you’re thinking, “Bryce, we all need you to do us, but what about your health? How can you swing that massive rod around to each of us over and over again?”
Shut up, baby. Let me worry about what to do with all this dick. You just brace yourself. Seriously, get your footing. If we do this wrong I’ll chop you in half. It’s…come up before.
*puts dick away*
Now that I’ve gotten you all good and soaked with my pregame, there are a few things we need to deal with first. If you want to ride the B-Train Express, there are a few rules.
First, no fat chicks. None. I like a big ass, but there’s a limit. While structurally strong, my penis is made for thrusting and hollowing bitches out, not support. You want to sit on this dick? I’ll see you at Boot Camp at 5am. Unless I’m drunk and you’re willing to use your mouth, like, a lot.
Second, shave your shit. This is non-negotiable. Actually, scratch that, shave your shit wax that shit. Unless there’s a newer way to get smooth down there, in which case do that. If there’s a laser removal system, then I need you to shoot your vag with lasers for me. Most All ladies see this Roman nose and lantern jaw and all they want to do is ride some face. I can appreciate that, but I refuse to get rugburn on my face because of you and your unkempt chach.
Third, keep an open mind. You’re going to see, hear, smell, and taste, a lot of weird stuff. Weird, but sexy. I need to know that you’re not going to panic and run out of my Fuck Compound or be all judgmental. Just keep an open mind, be cool, and put your legs behind your head.
Fourth, no snitching. In the heat of the moment, I might yell out some stuff, secret stuff, and I can’t have you going to the media, or my ex-girlfriends because it could, frankly, endanger all of democracy. If I tie you to something, or yell out a man’s name, or inject with you mongoose adrenalin into the base of your spine, that’s our secret.
Finally, you need to fucking bring it. I’m a sexual Predator that is constantly on the hunt, never sleeping, never stopping, eating mid-coitus when necessary, and I need you to be a Hurricane of Fuck that will leave me spent, slumped, and fucking soaked. Then I’ll over run your levees. Right in the ass.
When we’re done, I’ll pull out my six-string and serenade you. Hit you with a little Jason Mraz and some Jack Johnson.
Yeah. I play.
Bryce “Fucking” Coleburn
I got half a chub just reading that. See you sexy bitches on Friday.