Dear Xbox360

Dearest Xbox 360,

We useds to be friends...

FUCK YOU.

What an asshole.


You fuckin’ fuck. You got some kind of fuckin’ nerve, shitting your pants and red ringing right before the new Halo comes out. What the fuck, man?

AaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaahh bum bum bum BUM bum bum bum BUM

Have you seen this game? It is so very pretty. There are, like, 90 fucking guys on screen at any one time, new vehicles, a grenade launcher, and a jet pack. A jet pack!

"JET BOOTS RUUUUUUUUUULE!"

JET PACK.

You’re fairly new, Xbox360, so you weren’t around back in the day, but I lived and died for a game called Tribes. Tribes was titties. It was titties out loud.

Wow, this game did not age well.

There were different classes of armor offering trade-offs in terms of speed and protection, and specific weapons for each class, but like Halo there was no ultimate weapon or load out. Everyone had an advantage if they knew the right way to play, but it had one thing Halo never had, Tribes had motherfucking jet packs.

Now Halo has jet packs.

But you know who doesn’t have jet packs?

MATT.

Matt does not have motherfucking jet packs because you thought it’d be cute to wait until I got my own place to get all shitty.

And why? Wasn’t I good to you? I got you a wireless modem. Four controllers with recharge station. I even sprang for a bigger hard drive, because I loved you, boo.

But now I’m all like, “what the fuck, baby?” Because seriously, what the fuck? You’re just stopping? You’re going to give up? Just like that, you’re going to lay down and die and let the Covenant take Reach?

I'm going to wipe out your whole fuckin' species.

Yeah, great idea Xbox 360, let’s go out there and let down Master Chief. He seems like a guy you’d want to let down.

He only eradicated an entire fleet of technologically superior alien zealots, stomped space zombies into goo, and blew up a planet sized installation that took a civilization light years beyond ours decades to build. Yes, XBox 360, let’s tell that guy “we can’t.”

Did Marcus Fenix give up?

Chainsaw bayonets. Awesome.

Did Raz give up?

I love this guy. I hate everyone who didn't play Psychonauts. I want my sequel.

Did the Cole Train give up (only mentioned so I could post a Terry Tate video)?

Did Crackdown give up?

Hell no. SHIT NO.

XBox 360, I need you to dig deep, you’re an American system, only popular here, and in select parts of Europe, which is fine, we don’t need France or Japan, fuck those guys, but I need you to find your good ol’ fashioned American grit and unfuck yourself. Like now.

I need to play Halo: Reach. Do you understand? I need it. I might be sexually attracted to this game. I mention this because everytime I watch that extended commercial, I get fully erect.

I just watched that at work, and I had to slam my dick in the cash register to get anywhere even remotely close to right.

Goddamn it, it hurts so good. I think I bent the track.

I just want to go online and play with my friends, and burn through the campaign. I know, I know, I’m the only guy on the planet who plays shooters for the story, but I’ve been invested in this universe for eight years (holy shit, that was a gut check) so I need to know how everything fits into the established narrative. That’s it, I have no desire to go online and play strangers.

I HAVE TO HELP.

I’m twenty-six years old, I don’t need to spend my nights having some 12 year old fuck hopped on Mountain Dew call me a “jew faggot” or “spic queer.” To be honest, XBox 360, I don’t really get the appeal of going online at all, unless it’s to hit up your friend’s list.

*is anti-social*

Cut his fucking head off!

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, I need Reach, but more than that, I need you. Remember all those good times we had hunting for orbs in Crackdown? Or when we stapled that drug lord’s body to a car, covered it in mines and threw at the boss of the gun runners? That was a good time.

What about the time dad got drunk and fired at terrorists from the C-130 gunship in Modern Warfare? Do you remember how happy he was when he figured out you could switch guns and shoot explosive rounds? That was father-son-entertainment-device bonding moment if there ever was one.

And the rockets' red glare...*single manly tear*

I’m getting a little misty, XBox 360, I was just recalling the first time in Gears of War when we roadie ran out from cover, dodged enemy fire, mantled a barrier, and chainsawed a guy in half.

What about our future, Xbox 360? What else is in store for us?

*sigh*

Ah, shit, I’m getting all hard, again.

Matt
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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on September 15, 2010, in Matt Loman, Videogames and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Welcome to the club. My own 360 red-ringed while I was in the middle of an online match playing BlazBlue:CS. When it finally got back from whichever facility in Mexico it was shipped to, I found that the online community in that game had either died or decided to hibernate and dream of the next patch coming down the pike. But that’s another story.

    I should probably say something about Halo: Reach, but to be honest I never finished the campaigns from Halo 2 or 3. I just know people who did. Y’know which game made it cool to have jetpacks and grenades in multiplayer? Red Faction: Guerrilla. You should totally play that game if you have not already.

    Anyways, hope you’re still under warranty. I hear you get a couple years extra in case of the RRoD.

    • I actually haven’t played Red Faction, but I’ve heard nothing but good things about it.

      I’m torn about waiting to ship it out. I may drop the hundred bucks at Gamestop for a refurbished one to get back into the game faster, but I’m worried about reliability.

      Matt

  2. Can I just say what a relief to find someone who actually knows what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people need to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre not more popular because you definitely have the gift.

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