I Didn’t Think These Were Real Movies

I live in Los Angeles.

Everyday in Los Angeles I am bombarded by imagery for movies and TV. More so than any other place on Earth, despite the rest of the world being linked together via the magic of the internet. One of the biggest culture shocks when I first moved to the Left Coast, is that movies and TV aren’t just advertised on movies and TV but on every surface imaginable.


Scott Caan was smirking at me from the side of a bus. Maggie Q splayed her sexy ass across a billboard. Mike Posner’s album was painted on the ground. Conan O’Brien actually came to my house, slapped me in the face for not watching him on NBC, and told me that if I didn’t watch him on TBS, he’d send Richter.

Just not an intimidating man.

And Richter is hungry.


Now, a lot of it is status. It’s showing the other studios that you’re here, you’ve got wares to peddle, and people are going to watch your wares. However, it’s also because some major releases and premieres have insane advertising budgets. Like half of the stated budget is used to tell the world about it. I don’t mean when you read in a magazine, or see on TV that the new comic book adaptation has a budget of a 150 million, and half of that is used for advertising. What I mean is, it costs 150 million as the stated budget, then they add ANOTHER 75 million to let the whole world know that evil will be thwarted by a man in tights.

So, in order to look like they’re doing their job, the ad guys and marketing gals have to spend all that money. Hence why I was paid 400 dollars to get “Modern Family Season 2. Premieres September 22 only on ABC” tattooed above the crack of my ass.

And double 'Guh.'

This is my point, major studios releases, the ‘tent poles’ as it were, have astronomical budgets so it’s not completely out of line that I maybe, kind of, sorta, definitely thought that Buried, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, the Social Network, and Legend of the Guardians: the Owls of  Ga’Hoole, were not real movies, but actually extended, advance trailers for the sequel to Tropic Thunder or the spin-off starring Tom Cruise’s character Les Grossman.


Dude, if you think I'm hard on you now, wait for Green Lantern...

This is exactly the boring art house vanity project they spoofed Robert Downey Jr’s character doing. In their trailer, it’s just Downey and Tobey Maguire. They don’t have to share the screen with other people, and both films sound like the most boring fucking movies in the world. Buried is just a guy in a box.

I don’t care about how powerful his performance is, or how daring it was to take Reynold’s washboard abs off the screen. It doesn’t matter. It’s a movie where the action already happened. The main character spends the entire movie in a coffin while the plot happens without him, and everyone acts like they like it so we can all look deep.

That’s the selling point. That’s what they’re telling people the movie is about and that’s how they want to get you into the theater. Folks, that’s Plan A.

I do not want to watch someone, even someone with the charisma of Ryan Reynolds, just sit in a box.

So I figured given his comic timing and background he was in the sequel to Tropic Thunder and in on the joke. Guess I’m an idiot.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Really makes me want to see this movie.

Again, an actor who, given some of his work (mostly from Romancing the Stone), might be self-aware enough to get in on the joke. The country just got done not completely melting down, and this is largely the fault of Wall Street, so it feels like it would be a not well-thought producer’s idea to capture the zeitgeist.

Producer: I just got some amazing coke and I’m reading to pitch some fucking movies!
Studio: What’ve you got?
Producer: *does jumping jacks for twenty minutes* Okay, what’s hot right now? Oil! Let’s make a movie about oil! It fights murderous dolphins in the harsh, freezing, terror oceans that surround these United States! Or Wall Street! That’s fucking hot! We make it like, another movie about that one movie about Wall Street! I can’t remember the name. *does eight rails* *punches an escort right in the vagina*
Assistant: But Wall Street’s popular for the wrong reasons. They’re infamous. They’re actually the bad guys.
Producer: *murders Assistant* People love sequels!

It just reeks of someone hearing a word or phrase a lot, but not understanding why everyone is talking about that subject.

Then there’s the cast, Shia who’s too young for the people who remember the first movie, Michael Douglas returning to a role too old for the kids who might come for Shia, and for some reason, in a movie about business and ethics there’s a motorcycle race with Josh Brolin.

So, we have Shia who seems to be very self-aware and understands that Transformers pays the bills and Josh Brolin who is a fantastic actor who does have the Goonies and Jonah Hex on his CV. They’ve both talked some shit about previous projects, so again, this film felt tailored made as a vehicle that perfectly aped every group think movie, ever.

If they really wanted to do a movie about Wall Street that’s more fitting for the current political climate, they should have had Douglas’ character from Falling Down climb out of the ocean, go to Wall Street, and shoot everyone right in the fucking face.

The Social Network


It’s Facebook: the Movie.

It’s directed by David Fincher and written by Aaron Sorkin.

If you were going to make a movie about the creation of a FUCKING WEBSITE and you wanted to make it the most self-serious, over-the-top, up-its-own-ass movie how would you do it?

Would you give the trailer the newest Kanye West single?

Would you say that a visionary director, known as one of the greats, was helming it? Well, you can’t use Spielberg because he’s too big, or Mann who would never come at a movie like this. Someone like Fincher, though? He’s got the cred to sell you on the  movie, and the weirdness to actually work on something like this.

Then you need a writer, and there aren’t too many well-known writers. You have a very small pool of scribes whose name you can sell a movie on, but Kaufman’s too weird, Mamet’s too sweary, and Joss Whedon can’t murder anyone in the script, so that leaves Aaron Sorkin.

Wow, everyone traded up.

I mean, this sounds like the most fucking made-up movie, ever. Everyone, from Eisenberg, the, let’s face it, stunt casting of Timberlake, the new Spider-Man, and a trailer filled with hot women fucking nerds who don’t actually look like nerds; they look like movie stars, and this could easily be tucked in between Ben Stiller’s fake action movie trailer and the commercial for Booty Sweat.

The Fucking Movie About Fucking Owls

Yeah! Happy Feet!

Owls are creepy. They have giant eyes, but not cute like puppies; they’re scary, like those fish at the bottom of the ocean. Their heads turn all the way around. They only come out at night. They eat mice, and then barf out the bones and fur in little balls.

Then there’s the fact that these owls are built like actual owls. They’re not anthropomorphic like the bugs in a Bug’s Life, so how in the hell are they able to build helmets? How could they build tools, let alone operate them to work a forge to build helmets? And apparently they are built like real owls, but they do owl karate.

I don’t know if my reasons for being against it are because I love Pixar so much. I have extreme brand loyalty. Despite the two Pixar movies that I, personally, consider ‘misses,’ there is still such a degree of skill, craft, cohesion, and competency, that I still appreciate the two that never truly engage me.

Yes, I admit, this is me playing favorites. I’m in third grade and it’s Sega Genesis vs. Super Nintendo all over again.

Break down every Pixar movie into its most basic elements.

Toys that just want to be played with and not forgotten.

A rat wants to learn to cook.

The last robot on Earth discovers love.

A fish travels the ocean to save his son.

An old man journeys to the Amazon to fulfill a promise to his wife.

A family of superheroes come out of retirement.

A young owl joins with the legendary guardians of owls, or something, to fight these other owls who are Nazis, or something.

I don’t know how Pixar does it.

Uh, wait, yes I do. I totally get it, and since I totally get it, I get to work at Pixar, right? That’s how it works? I will get  you guys coffee. I will let you throw things at me. My threshold for humiliation is really high. Or low. I’m not sure how the humiliation scale works.

But, I’m willing to find out. *winks*


There’s my case. I’m not saying they won’t be good movies. Jesus, Fincher and Sorkin? They’d have to work hard to make that movie awful. I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest because I let slip in a couple of conversations that I thought these movies were all jokes, and that with the four of them coming out around the same time, there’d be no movies, and we’d get the trailer for what they were actually jokes for this weekend.


And yes, I am aware of the irony of me complaining about movie quality, casting, and plot when I spent two weeks writing about the Expendables.



About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on September 23, 2010, in Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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