I was Lied to as a Child

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

Not the quote you’d expect to see on a blog that writes articles about video games, the Expendables, and why no one will have sex with us, but trust me, it’s relevant.

Raddest baby alive? Raddest baby alive.

Probably just for today.

I recently returned home to see one of my best friends get married. Two years ago, going home wasn’t a huge deal. I’d get onto a plane, read a book, and when I got off the plane I was in a different place, but everyone was pretty much the same. Maybe someone had a new place or a bigger TV, but for the most part my friends and I hung out, played video games, talked shit to each other, ate pizza, got stupid drunk, and were basically rad dudes being awesome together.

These guys are probably just raking it in.

In the past two years something happened. Everyone started growing up on me, getting real jobs with benefits, and in perhaps the greatest betrayal of bro-hymnity, got all married n’ shit.

And she could walk down the aisle to the Halo theme! It's perfect!

If everyone was going to grow up and get married and become adults, then why did I waste all that time writing “ride together, die together, Bad Boys for life” in the back of so many yearbooks and on pieces of broken chairs?*

Shit just got real.

*it’s a tradition in some cultures. Shut up.

We’re not riding together because we all separated. We’re not dying together because everyone decided to go out and mate for life, and it’s hard to be a Bad Boy when you’re looking at tile samples and wearing shirts with buttons on them.

BUTTONS.

So what else was I lied to about?

I’m glad you asked.
Flying Cars Back to the Future 2 in it’s Entirety

Back to the Future 2 promised me flying cars. And not just a couple prototype’s or whatever. It implied that not only was a flying car affordable on most budgets, but actually the norm. Granted, the movie takes place in 2015, so we’ve got time, but for the traffic patterns and figuring out each sky road’s route would not only take time, but a reason to do it, ie; many, many, many flying cars.

Now that's an entrance.

Also, we’re way behind on Jaws sequels if Spielberg’s kid, Max is going to be directing the 19th one. I’m willing to write and direct the next 14 if that’s what it takes.

Well, it got the proliferation of 3D right.

Oh, while I’m here, where the hell’s my hoverboard? I was promised hoverboards and technology like that is going to have a military application long before they give it to the general populace, so if I don’t see Marines patrolling neighborhoods or transporting supplies via hovering real soon, we’re going to have problems.

Swuht.

I was promised that I would never have to travel using the stupid ground, and if I did, it would be in sweet shoes that I never had to bend over and tie myself like some kind of third world sucker.

Superpowers

As I understood it, at some point I would get superpowers. I’d either get bitten by a radioactive something, find a meteor in a field, or be overlooked by everyone around me, but actually have limitless potential as a force for good, and I would be selected to join an elite intergalactic peacekeeping force, and yet, here I am, riding the register.

I mean, at the very least, would it kill a secret society of assassins or a ninja clan to kidnap and train me in the deadly arts?

A ninja's first communion.

One of my dreams as a child was to be a chosen one. Like Neo where it was fate or Blade where it was circumstance, but I would be the one who would make a difference. Nope. Look at me, chosen for nothing, chumping it up with the rest of you jabronis and it sucks.

Note: I’m trying to bring back ‘jabroni.’

I swear to God, if I’m chosen to bring back ‘jabroni’ and that’s it…I’m probably going to do nothing, actually. Maybe write a blog about it.

Godzilla is not My Friend

JESUS CHRIST.

There are two kinds of Godzilla movies. One where he’s the personification of atomic destruction, the physical embodiment of Japan’s past and future relationship with nuclear power. The second kind is Godzilla shows up, children cheer, and he beats up on a three headed dragon or a cyborg chicken with chainsaw hands.

For something with chainsaw hands, it's just not that scary.

One of those is actually correct. If Godzilla showed up, and didn’t really have an inclination toward good or evil, he still wouldn’t care what a kid said or thought he should do. I can never be Godzilla’s friend, because it just doesn’t matter. He couldn’t hear or identify me as anything but scenery. He’s a dragon monster that lives under the ocean. There’s a communication barrier there.

As I type this, that it dawns on me that Godzilla was basically my first brush with the kind of mind-expanding horror usually found in Lovecraft novels. Godzilla is so vast and out of our league that he’s not even good or evil, he just is. Our stunted and short-sighted conceptions of right and wrong wouldn’t even apply.

eep.

To Godzilla, we don’t even rate. He doesn’t care. It’s not personal. It’s not even worth trying to eat us. Between our clothes, mobility, and tiny size, it’d be like if sunflower seeds ran away and screamed when we tried to eat them.

I think I just broke my mind, again.

Ninjas Aren’t Automatically Good at Everything

Remember the 80’s and early 90’s? Wasn’t it always awesome when ninjas showed up? They made everything better, and were better at everything.

When I was still in single digits, my favorite movie was the 3 Ninjas and according to this movie, training to be a ninja made you the best at every activity, especially those found in your average center of learning. They schooled those bullies on the basketball court using their superior agility and guile to outsmart and outplay the bad guys, made even more impressive because as ninjas they could have beaten them within an inch of their lives.

A modern classic.

Rocky was throwing eye sex at Emily the entire movie, and when a fly, early 90’s honey like Emily is in the equation, you need to be smooth as hell to win her over. In a world of Zack Morrises and Eric Matthewses you needed to bring something new and unique to the table and being a ninja was a step in the right direction.

Shit, there dad is an FBI agent and their mom was probably trained in the shadow arts by her dad, their grandfather, and Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum were still able to install an early warning detection system to know when their parents were coming to put the kibosh on them staying up late to play Mario 3 and talk to their babies using tin can phones.

Shwing.

Hey, wait a second, if they had the funding, technical, and aesthetic skills to install an electronic warning system, why were they chatting up the ladies with tin can phones?

And what happened to their Asian features? If I recall correctly, they (and the audience) see a picture of their grandpa with a white lady, then half-Asian mom marries John Whiteguy, and that means the Asian gene has been eradicated from their DNA?

Maybe they were so good at being Ninjas, they willed their eyes round to better infiltrate Whitey and bring him down from the inside.

"Sub Zero, now JUST ZERO."

We’re all trying to bring down Whitey; it’s just hard.

Maybe it’d be easier if I was a ninja.

*-*-*

Movies, comics, and TV shows are bullshit.

Matt

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on September 28, 2010, in Comics, History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture, Television and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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