Come Back to Us: Actors that need to break retirement

 

I’m Michael Jordan Years old today, North America. No, we’re not counting his stint with The Wizards. So I’m old, and considering retiring. With that segway done, here are some gods of acting who need to come out of retirement and back into our hearts.Gene Hackman

Hackman’s amazing. If it wasn’t for Murray, he’d be Wes Anderson’s crown jewel. I want him to be my grandpa, take me out shooting rifles, and then we’d drink hot cocoa while playing chess (he’d also teach me chess and his signature “Rook’s Crush” move).

Hackman’s last work was Welcome to Mooseport, a movie seemingly designed to appease my media-indifferent father.

You’re doing ad work for Lowe’s, Gene. You can totally stretch and do a cameo in The Avengers movie as The Vulture or something.

Sean Connery

We’ve already discussed Stupid Drowning Badger Skateboard Grandpa Movie, but we’re not counting that. Connery’s last film was The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, a film that had no excuse not being awesome.

Probably a good idea they took all the Invisible Man-rape out of it.

Arnold Schwartzengeggar

The AP Stylebook should assert that all journalists are forbidden to lookup how to spell The Governor of California’s name. You just have to take a whack at it and swing for the stars. But really, we’re never going to take you seriously as a politician, Arnold. Just do an action movie every once in a wild. Celebrity certainly didn’t hurt your initial campaign for the office.

Jake Lloyd

This is all hearsay, and would not hold up in trial, but numerous Chicago friends who’ve met Jake Llyod (he went to college at Columbia) have told sad stories of how much Star Wars messed up this kid’s childhood. In my early new-trilogy days, I blamed Llyod as well for ruining the franchise. Now that I’m wiser, I see that Lucas must’ve had very little to do with what made the original three movies so much fun (and his re-releasing of the series in 3D next year only enforces that fact).

Llyod can totally come back. He just needs to do a few little digs at his history, make fun of Hayden Christensen, and do a cameo on The Big Bang Theory (ugh). It worked for Wil Wheaton.

Apparently, Jake Llyod does not give a fuck. Good for him.

Rick Moranis

Legend is that Moranis realized he was ungodly rich from the Honey I Shrunk Something movies he realized he didn’t need to work anymore (which was also a Tracy Morgan C-plot in the third season of 30 Rock).

Amanda Bynes

You finally do something good with your career (see below), and NOW you retire? Come back, Bynes. There’s potential. SEX COMEDIES APLENTY.

Chad is Lonely Birthday Means Starcraft 2 Birthday Editor of Nonstop Karate

 

Advertisements

About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on September 30, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Movies and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: