Monthly Archives: October 2010

Kids, I F-cking Hate Halloween

Seriously. I know it’s the holiday for all the weird kids, but I guess I’m the contrarian, again, because I just can’t get into it.

I’m down with dressing like a superhero and eating candy. Let’s be very clear on that. There’s nothing in my vague and situational belief system that is against wearing a cape and eating an entire pillowcase filled with Kit-Kats and Reese’s Cups.

I’m pretty sure that’s how my perfect date would end; on a rooftop, caped, the two of us enjoying a sack of candy as the city sleeps quietly under a blanket of justice.

Does the Plan involve candy? If so, I'm in.

However, Halloween, I can’t really get behind.

First off, I never plan ahead for my costume which always means I’m a ninja because A.) as a fat guy most of my wardrobe is in dark colors, B.) I own several pairs of nunchuks and I’m always happy to walk around with them in public and C.) y’know…the Asian thing…

Not actually me. Ya'll racist.

Or I’m Green Lantern because A.) I love the Green Lantern B.) I own several Green Lantern shirts, and C.) my week’s just not complete if I don’t get to explain, out loud, who the Green Lantern is and what he does.

Pretty nerdy for a lot of different reasons.

“Uh…he’s a superhero, but only on Earth, otherwise he’s like a space-cop/military guy. His powers are that he has a wishing ring. It becomes more or less powerful depending on his willpower. Yes, I supposed it does depend on whether or not he wishes hard enough, but that’s not how I’d put it. You’re going to leave now and go talk to those people over there, now? Excellent. I look forward to an entire evening of ‘accidental’ eye contact with you.”

I want this as a poster. Like, bad.

See? Why would I ever want to give up that sense of awkwardness?
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The Jafar Scenario

I read a lot of development scripts at work (when I’m not getting lunch for others). They’re mostly fun adventure fantasies that focus on a story kids can get into. There’s a girl to save, a giant baddie, and some wonderful world to explore (if you successfully have these three things, you’re doing better than a lot of scripts already).

Many of these hopeful stories contain what I’ve dubbed “The Jafar Scenario”, named after Aladdin’s eccentric villain. And there’s  implied rape in all of these cartoons. Read the rest of this entry

There and Back Again: Part 2

And we’re right back to the well. Will today lead to another breakdown concerning the direction of my life and how I use my free time and energy?

Probably!

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The Show: Salute Your Shorts

The Basics: The continuing adventures of a group of kids at a summer camp. Each kid represents a classic teenage archetype: jock, rich, rebel, artist, smart, fat, and sensitive/audience POV character who was later swapped out for cool, snarky kid, and of course the counselor, Kevin Lee, known to one and all by his nickname, Ugg. The show also had one of the most memorable theme songs of all time.

How’d It Hold Up: Surprisingly well. Some of the themes of the episodes were a little on the nose, especially when seen through the eyes of a cynical 20-something, but the show rarely talked down to it’s audience, and hit most the familiar sitcom convention in new ways, largely due to the fact that everything happened at a camp.
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Velma, Why You Gotta Bring Science Into This?

By Fred “Freddie” Jones

Velma, you dumb bitch.

Yes, I know you’re the smartest one here. Calling you dumb is ju- god damn it. Look, when I funded this mystery team with my dad’s blood money, it was mostly to launder a lot of funds and have an excuse to get out of the house. I just want to enjoy it; savor the adrenaline of hunting down monsters (the most dangerous game next to one Tommy Lee Jones), but every five minutes you have to bring up science and math into this. Thank you for ruining the illusion that those glowing footprints are just paint, not ectoplasmic goop. Read the rest of this entry

Potheads Across Nation Sleep Right Through Election Day

I’m posting this to get it in before the Onion beats me to it like they always do.

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Shocking no one, and letting down stoners, wastoids, hippies, and burnouts across the nation in “a major, major way, dude,” the potheads of California, at rallies, and pre-election parties got “way too high to even function, man,” and forgot to vote on November 2nd missing out on a chance to pass California’s Proposition 19 which would have legalized cannabis for public consumption.

“Yeah. That’s on us, man, totally,” said Legalize It founder and spokesman, Randall “Ocean” Maxwell. “We just spaced it.” When asked about the historic implications of of the Proposition and what it meant for both the war on drugs and American law, Ocean offered, “we fucked up, hard. We’ll just have to get them next month.”

“Damn it,” said Hemp for a Better World founder, January Donovan, “there’s a lot that we could have done for people if we passed Prop 19. Not just used for medicine, but for clothing, or as a food substitute. The tax dollars alone… fix the roads, pay cops, give public schools better funding. God damn stoners.”
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Well, I’m glad I worked on Fallout: New Vegas

Gentleman and Lady, some job-work piled up at home last night and ate into the morning. I’m using my bathroom break to let you know this.

Instead of rushing my next big piece, I’ll share this instead. If it’s fake, it’s still hilarious.

Dear Celebs: Part Does It Really Matter at This Point

We’re going back to the well, but in my defense, it has been a while since I had to resort to this.

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Dear the Situation,

He has more money than I'll ever make. That's really depressing.

You’re making five million in the next two years? That’s not right. It’s just not. You’re going to have to give it back. People should be paid for working hard to contribute to society or displaying a talent people want to see.

You could easily be replaced by a Calvin Klein ad pasted to a planter and a dog that has not been neutered.

I know that this is largely not your fault. You were just duding it out, about to sign up for unemployment, saw a flyer for auditions to be on a MTV show, and thought you could kill an afternoon doing that. This is not wrong of you. Then it took off, and America fucking bought in, and again, not your fault. I don’t know what it is, or why it is, but your show is insanely popular largely due to America’s high consumption rate of utter garbage.

Yes, even the people who think they’re watching it ‘ironically.’ I watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand and Deadliest Warrior religiously, but I don’t try to defend it. It’s cultural junk food, and I owe up to that, however, all those shows involve people doing stuff.  Stunt men working to create fight scenes; writers are churning out dialogue; the science guys are zip tying science crap to broad swords’ the props people are filling gel torsos with fake guts and blood. Work is being done.

You are being paid 5 million dollars to do what you’d be doing even if the camera’s weren’t around. This is not a talent, and it’s not an anthropological study; the bug farmers in the jungles of New Guinea still farm bugs, there’s just video proof of it now.

Now I don’t want to ruin you, or see you broke. You seem like a genuine guy, but that guy just happens to be a meathead. So, you, me, and an accountant are going sit down, and figure out something that’s fair, because this five million shit? That dog just won’t hunt.

Yours,

Matt

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