Profiles in Awesome: They’re Mostly Awesome at Night, Mostly

Who She Is: Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley served aboard the Nostromo before she initiated the self-destruct sequence destroying the enormous ship. In her defense, she did it because it was invaded by an outer space bug that wanted to impregnate her and everyone around her with chest babies.

Bring your Daughter to Work Day is really awesome in the future.

When that didn’t work she used the harsh vacuum of space itself by blowing that sumbitch (or is it just bitch?) out the airlock.She went into cryostasis where she was found by a salvage team and was yelled at by her employer the corporation Weyland-Yutani for saving everybody. Sure she blew up a piece of science that probably cost billions, but, c’mon, can you think of a worse death than chestburster? Esophagus violated, vomit white stuff, and xenomorph larva exiting your body at 90 miles an hour? Christ.

If you looked up ‘Fucked’ in the dictionary, you won’t find anything, but if you did, this should probably be the picture.

Fuck that. Blow up everything, Ripley.

She then gets sent back to that planet with a unit of hard-ass marines who aren’t as hard as she is and had to save the day, by initiating that self-destruct sequence on a planetary terraformer and blowing that the fuck up in an even bigger explosion.


Why She’s Awesome: Between the guns, explosions, robot suits, and looking like Sigourney Weaver, she’s basically my dream girl, but it’d never happen because she’s arguable the hardest person in the universe and I’m just some asshole who writes on a blog.

Let’s look at the facts; she blows up her own ship to kill one thing, then blows the airlock in flagrant disregard for safety, talks shit to her company superiors, steals the Colonial Marines RV to ram it into a base and save everyone, initiates the self-destruction sequence even though she’s told not, goes back into the thing that’s exploding, bringing the ultimate weapon: a gun taped to a flamethrower, pisses off the queen alien, gets off the planet, puts on a robot suit, and once again blows an alien out the airlock, but it’s a bigger alien out of a bigger airlock.

Nuthin.’ ’Sup wit you?

She’s the ultimate loose cannon, but goddamn IT if she doesn’t get results!

True story, in college I tried to build one of these out of cardboard for Halloween. Then I got bored and dressed up as Green Lantern. Good story, Matt.

I mean, she took a giant lumbering loader suit, designed to slowly and ponderously move crates from point A to point B and used it to go toe-to-toe with the galaxy’s ultimate predator.

Why are you damp?

Uh, after the actual Predator, of course.

Then she, Hicks, and Newt returned to Earth as heroes and lived happily ever after because the the next two movies never existed.

Can you feel/ The love toniiiiiiiiight

Awesome Spotlight:




About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on October 5, 2010, in History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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