Columbus Day, You’re Killing Me

Okay, I have my day off today.

A full day loaded with possibilities, it is a day, so bereft of responsibility, so beyond all the things that I’m usually called on to do, that I am paralyzed by choice. I could clean the apartment, because let’s face it, Nick and I are animals, and this place is kind of dumpy right now. Yeah, I should really pick it up for all the ladies who want to never come by and see it.

 

Gross.

 

But honestly, who’s coming over?

No one.

At least no one new. The regulars who come by here to hang out, or, you know, pick my car-less ass up, are pretty much hip to how this works.

I’d go see a movie, but there’s nothing really out I want to see. Yes, I’ll see Facebook the movie, but I’ll wait for DVD.

 

My Predicted Tweet Coming Out of this Movie: 'Meh, not as good as Hackers. #hacktheplanet

 

Don’t look at me like that. It’s a drama, and I don’t mean that in the derogatory sense that I usually approach the fall movie slate, I mean it in the sense that this movie will lose nothing on a smaller screen. Do you have any ideas how much movies cost out here?

I’ll give you a hint: nine-thousand dollars.
Once you include parking, food (before or after), theater refreshments, that ten bucks they charge you to not slug you in the gut when you use the bathroom, and rent an escort so you don’t have to go see a movie alone, again, it adds up to nine-thousand fucking dollars.

I’d work out, but seriously, if I go to the gym today, I’ll lose my mind. I like work. I like my job. I just don’t like it today.

Okay, good, a plan is forming. I’ll pick up my room, clean the apartment, for no other reason than the floor won’t be so damn sticky, and for lunch I’ll swing by Miracle Mile and visit the food trucks.

 

You bet your ass there's a bacon truck.

 

Yes, this works. I swing by the bank, deposit my check, go to Miracle Mile-

Shit a dick, today’s Columbus Day, isn’t it? Is the bank even open today.

*looks up bank. it is closed*

Fuck!

*looks up other area banks. they are all open*

FUCK.

*is broke. is hungry*

…fuck…

I mean, I guess, I could deposit tomorrow, it’s not like rent or cable’s due today, so I can be a little light for the next 24 hours.

Wait, are E! G4, and all the museum staff even going to be in today? I know E! is comprised of mostly godless heathens made out of plastic and apathy, but what about the rest of the offices on Wilshire? Goddamn it.

Columbus, you are fucking killing me.

 

Well, we made it. Now what?

 

You’re barely a real holiday. What’s amazing is, no one actually takes you off except extremely important, but non-vital services. If you can’t buy stamps, or send a package today, it’s not really the end of the world. It’s just unbelievably inconvenient and super annoying. If you can’t go to the bank to make change for laundry or (ahem) deposit a check, the next 24 hours won’t kill you, but it is still, somehow, the worst.

It’s so random how they decide who’s open and who’s not. My bank is closed, but every other bank is open. Can I send shit via UPS or FedEx? Where, in the hell, does one buy stamps besides the post office anyway?

Look, it’s a holiday, or it’s not. Give everyone the day off, or business as usual, because this half in/half out crap is bullshit and pussified, and is not what this great nation was founded on. No, sir! We are a nation of doers!

We like our steaks big, our beer cold, our football with helmets, our cars loud, and our motherfucking holidays treated like motherfucking holidays!

USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!USA! USA!

I love you, America! Without you, I’d be in the Philippines or China! Columbus, I’m in like with you! Thanks for getting here after the Native Americans and the Vikings, but taking all the credit!

Matt Loman is the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave editor for Nonstop Karate. His greatest regret is that he’s never been in the middle of a legit  ‘U-S-A’ chant, only ironic or drunk ones. He forgot he had a blog today, and wrote this in 17 minutes. Which is pretty apparent.
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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on October 11, 2010, in Matt Loman, Pop Culture and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Matt if you think about it, every U-S-A chant is a legit one. It’s celebrating your freedoms. Your freedom to be drunk. Your freedom to be ironic.

  2. Matt, if you think about it, every U-S-A chant is a legit one. It’s celebrating your freedoms. Your freedom to be drunk. Your freedom to be ironic. Now let’s get some beer.

  3. Wow… You might have just fullfilled my dreams by informing me that there is a bacon food truck…. I honestly want to cry

  4. Where’s the Leif Ericson day, huh? Doesn’t he get a sorta-but-not-quite important official holiday?

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