“Hear Me, Spirits, for I am Your Lord”

This is part two, a continuation of Wednesday’s blog. Click here for part one.

*-*-*

by Nic Cage

Spirits and spectres! Shades of the deceased and those which should not be and remain forever unnamed, hear me! I am your lord! I am the vessel through which light, and goodness, and live stuff are channeled in response to every fell thing!

I, Nicholas Cage Coppola, last of a dynasty of battle sorcerers, command you to be made flesh that I might challenge you to open combat for the souls of everyone involved with Transformers 3: Moon Black!

PA: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Mr. Cage, sir.

Cage: Moon Black is the direct translation of what you just said in the language of ghosts.

PA: You said it in English, Mr. Cage.

Cage: Well met, fellow wordsmith. You’re quick for someone who wasn’t consecrated by God to deliver his wrath here on Earth.

PA: Well, I am in the third level of improv classes, and –

*Cage shoots PA with a flintlock pistol*

I will be devastated if he doesn't actually carry around a pistol like this.

Cage: Behold! The pistol that stopped Werewolf George Washington reclaims another soul from the legions of Perdition and back into the Army of Light! Notice how his blood goes from the dark red of evil and back into the red red of goodness!


Bay:
*holding a camera* I am so fucking hard right now.

Bay Assistant: Should he be shooting staff?

I'm sorry, I still can't read it.

Bay: Babe? Okay? All right? That guy was clearly possessed. Nic Cage just saved your life. Probably.

Cage: Definitely.

Bay: See? He owns a pyramid in New Orleans, the most haunted place on Earth. (Seriously. He does. He’ll be buried there. – Management)

Cage: Second. You’ve clearly never been in the American Museum of Radio and Electricity after dark. I need silence as I don my ceremonial spirit armor. *puts on loin cloth and necklace made of beads and Canadian coins*
Bay: Nic, can you please tell my camera, and, therefore, the entire fucking planet what you’re doing.

Cage: *begins drawing designs on naked torso* These are designs handed down by aboriginal Shamans who taught me the lost alphabet forgotten after the Tower of Babel was destroyed by Lizard Men. It serves as a protection spell, and but it also helps channel energy into the fault lines of my soul. The Canadian coins act as my anchor in the world of the unnatural. They are what allow me to cross over to the other side. *pulls out syringe* This is mongoose adrenaline. The human body can’t exist in both states in a natural sense. This keeps me from blowing out my adrenals and lymph nodes.

OH, HAI.

Bay Assistant: And the loin cloth?

Cage: Ease of movement. Both for my physical shell and the energy beings that my own electromagnetic signature will be mating with during the process.

Bay: Fuck it; I’m taking my pants off, too.

Cage: And this *reaches into giant crate* is to finally annihilate the ghosts by drawing in the energy of ghosts’ greatest enemies *pulls out dinosaur skull* the dinosaur.

Bay Assistant: I’m sorry. Dinosaurs and ghosts fight?

Cage: Fought. Past tense. It’s actually really interesting. Ghosts and dinosaurs were at war for millions of years, because those ghosts knew that as soon as they became people, the dinosaurs would eat them.

Bay: Of course.

Well, if the super predators don't kill you, the space rocks will.

Cage: That’s why the ghosts gathered all their strength to summon thousands of comets to fly into Earth’s many, many volcanoes causing them to explode, cooking the dinosaurs–

Bay Assistant: There is a fundamental misunderstanding of so many things going on right now-

Bay: Shut the fuck up. You’re here because you’re super stacked and you want to be a cinematographer–

Bay Assistant: Producer.

Bay: It does not goddamn matter. What matters is, if you shut the fuck up and do what you’re told you’ll get to work a big girl job on a Platinum Dunes mega-re-make. That’s coming. But right now, you’re job is to make sure that my cup is full of Pepsi Max and whey protein and that your mouth is full of cram it. Now shut the fuck up, and let my personal friend, the magician–

Your move, Harry Potter.

Cage: Mega Wizard. *eats a handful of mushrooms*

Bay: Do whatever it is that he needs to do to get my set clear of Mexican ghosts!

Bay Assistant: Yes, sir.

Bay: Nic, why will channeling the awesome power of the thunder lizards cause the ghosts to die?

Cage: Most people are too overcome by their world view being shattered as the secret history of life is laid bare before them to ask that question. You are a unique energy, Michael Bay. Would you like some mushrooms?

Bay: Thanks, but no. I’m on so much E right now; I don’t want to cross streams.
Cage: Excellent thinking. The reasons this, and I’m using the word ‘kill’ because we don’t have time to go into the theological reality of what’s happening, ‘kills’ the ghosts is because ghosts are not good at planning. When time holds no meaning, it’s hard to plan ahead.

Bay: Point.

Cage: When the ghosts killed the dinosaurs, yes, it created a world safe for them to become flesh, but it also filled the afterlife with dinosaurs.

Bay: Shit a dick.

Cage: Most people don’t know about this, because most people don’t hang out with me and do mushrooms. But whenever I hear someone say “they went to a better place” I have to bite my tongue, because Heaven is real, but the path is guarded by an army of deeply disturbed ghost dinosaurs. That’s why people fight against dying so much. They’re not conscious of it, but their soul is fighting to stay away from the dinosaurs.

Bay:
It’s all so clear to me now.

Cage: Faced with dinosaurs in the land of the living and in the bog of the dead, the ghosts will themselves into oblivion. We’re nearly read to begin. *pulls out a mason jar of yellow goo* I had my lotions and perfumes guy turn mescaline into a lotion that I absorb through the skin which acts as a buffer against my own ego trying to pull me out of the trance and mosquitoes. Okay. I’m ready to walk among the spirits. *puts dinosaur skull on head*

Bay: I’m about to come like a freight train.

Cage: Lost spirits! There is no revenge here for you! There is no price that can still be paid by anyone living to soothe your wrath! Let go! Loose your ghastly grip on this level of existence! If you don’t, I, a dinosaur, will eat you, and you will be food. For me. A dinosaur!

*beat*

I can see them now.

Bay: Excuse me for just a moment. *dips entire hand into mescaline jar and eats it* Mmm, coconut. How we doing, Nic?
Cage: They’re exploding into chrysanthemums. The petals are floating down to a sea made of purple sound, and each one looks like my father’s face. He’s laughing feathered snakes.

Bay: Are we good?

Cage: I need an eclipse.

Eh, fuck it. This is post's problem.

Bay: We’ll add that in post.

Cage: Then we’re done. *pulls out flask, takes a long sip* Anti-venom, anyone?

I have no idea if this is real or photoshopped. Regardless, I hope you're all reading http://www.filmdrunk.com

*-*-*

See you guys, Tuesday. If I remember.

Which I won’t.

Matt
———————————————
Bonus Content!

I swear to God, I didn’t plan this. It’s just serendipity.

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About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on October 15, 2010, in Character, History Lessons, Matt Loman, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Wait, 2 MB posts without “the picture”?! What the hell is going on?

  2. you said:
    “Cage: Second. You’ve clearly never been in the American Museum of Radio and Electricity after dark. ”

    Is this a non sequitur, or is there more to this story?

    – John Jenkins, CEO
    American Museum of Radio and Electricity

    • Non-sequitur.

      History museums are always haunted in movies and stories, but they’re filled with mummies and Native American artifacts. I was going for A.) a type of museum you wouldn’t initially think of as haunted, and B.) I’ve heard Bay was a techno geek, so Cage would name check it.

      Matt

  3. best yet! tell me nicky c has never worn a fossilized skull. you cant. you are so inside this guy’s mind it is crazy. also, is that ceo of the radio museum for real?

  4. Several years ago we had a group of ghost hunters visit the museum, they said our building was on some registry of haunted places. I’ve never been able to confirm that, but maybe you weren’t too far off.

    In any case, thanks for the publicity, and I enjoyed your blog!

    John

    • That’s crazy. Like I said I was trying to think of a museum with somewhat newer (comparatively) pieces to make it that much weirder.

      But I guess nothing’s weirder than real life.

      Thanks for reading,

      Matt

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