“You new pornstars have no respect”

by a 90s Porn Star

What the hell.

I don’t know what loose vagina you new porn bitches crawled out of,  but this is not how you do things. Sure, it may be working well for you: roles in hit shows and movies, name brand recognition, being able to walk in public without shame…

But this is not how I was taught to take penises for a living.

[John-Dimaggio-protected NSFW]

Honeys, you are giving this stuff away too easily for free. You’re supposed to start your career modeling for photos, then you do softcore, then insertion, plastic surgery, insertions, surgery, insertions, and then AND ONLY THEN do you go farther than that. By then you should’ve met someone at the Playboy Mansion (or if you’re less well established, The Girls Gone Wild parties) to be your husband. Only if you’re still independent or your husband doesn’t bring in enough income should you continue taking shit (literally).

Maybe you’ve forgotten; we don’t like this. Perhaps you watched one of my earlier films when you were a girl and thought my amazing acting meant I really enjoyed handling 20 guys at a time. No. No one likes that. The 20 guys don’t like that.

So you got a main role on Entourage. That’s pretty big for our industry. Good job, babe. How did you accomplish that?

If I had a gag reflex anymore, I’d throw up a bit.

This isn’t an internship at a Fortune 500 company, you don’t have to volunteer to get coffee from a special place all the way in Brooklyn on your first day. Just sit at your desk and keep your head down, kid.

How am I even supposed to keep up? I’m old now. Gravity overpowered the silicon. Us crafty veterans have to do all the crazy stuff just to stay in the game. You are coming to where I work and literally pissing on it.

You’re getting major modeling contracts? Why are you going back into porn after that? Is this like a Michael Jordan thing? Is going into porn your professional baseball career?

You’re already famous and entering porn? There’s no way to go up from there. If you could basically call Keanu Reeves “Uncle Kee”, knowing large-genital cavemen isn’t going to increase your social standing in Los Angeles. The man, traveled through time. Maybe you don’t know that. You were all born in 1993.

Everytime I spread open my legs, I did so partially knowing I was paving the way for future generations of girls (generations in this industry are about every three months).

The only reason I’ll get to sleep tonight is knowing that it still could be worse.

::shudders::

Now if you excuse me, I need to go clean off my asshole expanders.

Chad Quandt is Needs-A-Shower-Editor of Nonstop Karate

About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on October 18, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Character, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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