Potheads Across Nation Sleep Right Through Election Day
I’m posting this to get it in before the Onion beats me to it like they always do.
LOS ANGELES, CA – Shocking no one, and letting down stoners, wastoids, hippies, and burnouts across the nation in “a major, major way, dude,” the potheads of California, at rallies, and pre-election parties got “way too high to even function, man,” and forgot to vote on November 2nd missing out on a chance to pass California’s Proposition 19 which would have legalized cannabis for public consumption.
“Yeah. That’s on us, man, totally,” said Legalize It founder and spokesman, Randall “Ocean” Maxwell. “We just spaced it.” When asked about the historic implications of of the Proposition and what it meant for both the war on drugs and American law, Ocean offered, “we fucked up, hard. We’ll just have to get them next month.”
“Damn it,” said Hemp for a Better World founder, January Donovan, “there’s a lot that we could have done for people if we passed Prop 19. Not just used for medicine, but for clothing, or as a food substitute. The tax dollars alone… fix the roads, pay cops, give public schools better funding. God damn stoners.”
As an opponent to Prop 19, Hector Solomon applauded the stoners. “God bless these simple hippies for doing exactly what was needed: be themselves.” Solomon, who has experience with the the district attorney’s office in handling drug cases, and served with the DEA as a liason to the Mexican government felt that legalizing cannabis would have made the drug war worse. “It would offer even more money to cartels and give them a legitimate front to hide behind as they peddled dangerous narcotics, as well as, guns, prostitution, and other illegal activities,” explains Solomon. “The DEA may have, accidentally, let more than a few bales of special blend coming out of Mexico, a certain strain of Purple Night Train, slip through and be dispersed amongst area voters.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that we received Purple Night Train,” explained Maxwell. “I can also neither confirm nor deny that it fucked us up beyond all reason and logic. It may or may not make food taste better than any food has ever tasted and music, Jesus Christ, music..,” Maxwell then trailed off.
Donovan, was not one to take the news lightly. “We did everything to make it easy for these guys. We handed out calendars on hemp paper, sent out reminders on Facebook, Twitter, had a text service set up, and had flyers up at every head shop, pharmacy, bakery, and Phish cover band performance in Southern California. The public transportation system in LA sucks, so we set up rides: vans, buses, even people’s cars to get them there. But none of them answered their phones or showed up at the centers on election day. I mean, what the fuck?”
“Let me paint you a picture of our night,” Maxwell offered, “we all get together. We’re all jacked up on, like, truth and justice. We’re going to change the whole fucking world, man So we take some victory tokes, and some courage rips, because you know the cops are going to try and stop us. The stuff we got, which may or may not have been Purple Night Train, just sent us to the moon. Holy shit, we could not stop eating and jamming, next thing you know, an entire semi filled with Pop Tarts, Tostitos, and Pretzel M&Ms pulls up.”
Hector Solomon had no comment on who sent the pothead dream machine.
“So we chill pretty hard, go to sleep, and wake up…wait for it…on Thursday…the FOURTH,” Maxwell reveals, surprising no one. “Yeah.”
The fallout of this, in the day to day sense, is very little, as regular laws concerning marijuana possession, medicinal and otherwise, will stay the same, but the impact of it on future legal proceedings on the Drug War and any push to completely legalize cannabis will be even more difficult.
“If one of the most liberal states in the Union is against the legalization of this so-called ‘harmless plant’ then I don’t think the rest of the nation is going to turn to it,” says Solomon. He later added, “It would appear that everyone in the state of California is just going to have to keep getting weed from friends who have cards for pharmacies and get a little extra high from that sweet, sweet, sweet illicit thrill.”
Donovan was later quoted to say, “HA, I fucking knew it.”
The Onion’s will probably be better.
Posted on October 25, 2010, in Character, History Lessons, Matt Loman, Pop Culture and tagged fake news, legalize it, marijuana, news, prop 19, the onion won't beat me this time but their's will be much better. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.