Velma, Why You Gotta Bring Science Into This?

By Fred “Freddie” Jones

Velma, you dumb bitch.

Yes, I know you’re the smartest one here. Calling you dumb is ju- god damn it. Look, when I funded this mystery team with my dad’s blood money, it was mostly to launder a lot of funds and have an excuse to get out of the house. I just want to enjoy it; savor the adrenaline of hunting down monsters (the most dangerous game next to one Tommy Lee Jones), but every five minutes you have to bring up science and math into this. Thank you for ruining the illusion that those glowing footprints are just paint, not ectoplasmic goop.

I understand that it’s most likely a man in a costume haunting every place we go. I get that. Even though law of averages says that eventually one of them will actually be a demon, I don’t care. Have you ever considered that when we’re running after/being chased by a man in a lizard suit, I want to catch him and break his neck? It’s the perfect crime. I found a foolproof way to murder grown men every week under the protection of self-defense. The jury may think we were asking for trouble, but no one’s going to take the side of a deranged man trying to hoard a buried chest of gold over this handsome mug who was just “So scared and frightened and only trying to protect the girls.”

Do you know what it sounds like to hear a man’s neck snap and twist beyond its natural limit? It’s a lot like that computer keyboard you always type on, except this sound gives me an erection.

This is my final form.

You’re the weak point in the alibi. If wind gets around that these kids aren’t so innocent and have the resources and common sense to know a fake Ghost Diver when they see one…I’ll hang for that, Velma. And I’ll take you all down if I have to. Daphne isn’t going to say shit. She knows what’s up, and she’s been a good soldier. She’ll be awarded in the end. Shaggy…well let’s just say you’re not going to listen to a man tell you the truth when he looks like a liar.

Now eat this chloroform.

Chad Quandt is Analogy Editor of NonstopKarate.

About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on October 26, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Character, Television and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Is that Gov. Eliot Spitzer?

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