I Learned Something About Myself While Watching the Walking Dead

Again, to reiterate from an earlier post, I don’t do scary. I’m a jumper with an overactive imagination.

So it was with great trepidation and more than a few ‘fuck you’s under my breath directed at my roommate who insisted we watch the premiere of the Walking Dead.

During the show, I realized something, I would probably do all right in a post-apocalyptic society.
I have a strong back. I’m not afraid of hard work. Thanks to my grandfather I can fire a gun, build a fence, a wall, or a roof, some mild electrical work, and possess a working knowledge of basic plumbing.

This however, presents a problem, as I’m just as certain that I would die during the actual apocalypse.

Once you’re past the collapsing of civilization and whatever the problem is, zombies, aliens, plague, dinosaurs, robots, vampires etc, it’s fairly easy. There are rules to survive. Shoot them in the head, hide, only come out at night/during the day, run, etc. Like it or not, humans crave order, even the anarchists, they just want a different kind of order. Everyone like rules, they would just prefer rules that would benefit them entirely.

You guys would die in the first wave.

However, during the actual collapse there are no rules because everyone’s still figuring everything out. The power goes down, and there’s panic in the streets; do you stay inside, barricaded, and wait it out, or is staying in one place just making sure you’re easier to find for whatever’s eating people? Do you stand and fight, or does that just get in the way of the military? Does the military still exist at this point? Who the hell is in charge? If there are people volunteering to be the authority, do they have all the facts?

Screw the military, where's Blade?

Now take those ideas and combine them with my ability to over think things. I’m trapped in the sewer after an attempt to escape my home but I get separated from the group and whatever we’re running from is down there with us. Do I scream and keep screaming so they can find me or will that noise make too many echoes, causing my location to be impossible to find?


See what I said about rules?

Traffic, amirite?

Rick from the Walking Dead is lucky, in a way. He missed the actual break-down. He didn’t have to be part of the military unit that gets massacred after they keep shooting the zombie hordes in the chest and not the head. He didn’t have to be in the hospital when a well-meaning, but misguided doctor thought he could cure the disease leading to most emergency and medical personnel being wiped out. He didn’t have to be part of the police unit that had to enforce poorly thought-out rules of  containment or evacuation. He missed out on all the noble one-last stands or blood baths that served as lessons to those left behind.


He wakes up in a world unlike the one he’s always known, but rules are established. We know that there are different kinds of zombies, since some are pointed out to be ‘walkers.’ There’s even a wise black sage who explain to Rick how the new world works, then just kind of leaves.
Me, I give myself about two days into the apocalypse and complete collapse of civilization before Death claims me. Day one would be spent deciding to leave my apartment. Day two would be walking the streets, staying super cautious, avoiding contact and conflict. Finally, on the third day, I’d get cocky and die in a really funny way. Like getting hit by a rescue vehicle that didn’t see me, or, this being LA, killed by a roving pack of feral purse dogs.


I don’t know why, but I was strangely calm watching the Walking Dead. Dawn of the Dead, both the original and the remake make me constantly anxious. I can’t relax watching them. I can’t get comfortable and every room is entirely too damn hot. I’m watching the world end, there’s nothing I can do about it, because there’s no rules yet. It’s actual anarchy, and not the kind you hear about in punk songs where people would just drink, and fuck, and party without Big Brother watching us, but actual anarchy where only the strongest, most ruthless, and morally compromised can survive, and frankly, that’s not me.


Afterward, sure, I’m good to go, but man, no way do I make it to afterward.



About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on November 2, 2010, in Matt Loman, Pop Culture, Television and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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