Profiles in Awesome: Awesomely Frontiersy

Just stay awesome. I WILL BLOG YOU.

Hawkeye from Last of the Mohicans

Who He is: A rugged frontiersman Hawkeye is a white man who was adopted into the Mohican tribe at a very young age. Raised among them, he identifies with the Native American at every level. He is at one in the woods, blending in and disappearing at will. He’s the closest thing humanity has for the equivalent of the Predator.

Why He’s Awesome: He’s the deadliest thing in deer leather. Hawkeye spends most of the movie sprinting. Not jogging. Not just running hard. He moves in a full out sprint for 90% of the time he’s in motion.

Marathon sprinting was popular when the country was young, but couldn’t keep the nation’s attention. Just like lacrosse.

On top of that he has a distinct and vicious fighting style that involves throwing things at your opponent. Literally everything. Most of the things he wears on his person are there specifically so he can wing them so hard they embed into a person’s chest. Knives, tomahawks, rocks, food, a small child, everything must be thrown.

Just another father and sons murder weekend.

And of course I can’t find any relevant video.

This was the day of gun powder and flint locks, so reloading your rifle took 45 minutes. After that initial shot, it was more useful to chuck your gun at the enemy anyway, and well, Hawkeye is the best. Ninjas with shurikens aren’t as accurate.

Though we should take the time to acknowledge the sheer “fuck-you-factor” that is Hawkeye’s dad’s club-spike. I thought for years that he had a spike on his gun and he used to fuck people up with, only to have someone else (Neil) point out that it wasn’t his gun. Which makes it even cooler because that means the guy drags around a giant club because beating people to death with a chunk of wood the size of a grown man’s leg comes up. A lot.

It’s basically a table leg and a spear put together.

Okay, as I’m writing this, we’re going to change gears to acknowledge how kickass Hawkeye’s dad is.

Get out of here you crazy old bastard!

You spend most of Last of the Mohicans thinking the biggest badass in the whole movie is Magua, probably because he’s fucking frightening. He’s what a dinosaur/human hybrid would look like. The dude was stalking prey and taking lives when the Earth was still young.

He looks like he’s made out of leather and scar tissue.

And Hawkeye’s dad, Chingachgook, disposes of him quickly and efficiently. It’s like watching a master butcher go to work. Magua was outclassed the second he woke up that morning.

Awesome Spotlight: There are a ton of great moments, but I’m having a hard time deciding between Hawkeye taking out enemy scouts to cover the messenger or when he yells to Cora “STAY ALIVE. I WILL FIND YOU.” I believe you, Hawkeye. I believe you.

Magua, do you have anything to add?

Goddamn, why aren’t I watching Last of the Mohicans right now?


PS – Also, the soundtrack, which is awesome, gave us one of the coolest Nike commercials ever, and I say that as someone who hates the Chargers.


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on November 10, 2010, in History Lessons, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Oh man, I love that movie, for all the reasons you describe and also because it has one of the best snarks I’ve ever seen in a movie:

    Duncan: There is a war on. How is it you are headed west?
    Hawkeye: Well, we kinda face to the north and real sudden-like turn left.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: