Comic Book Storytime: Dostoyevsky Comics

Years ago, the Council of High School English Teachers met.

Teacher Dolores: Kids don’t like anything I assign except for Catcher In The Rye. What do we do?

Teacher Eustace: Reinstate the draft.

Teacher Mildred: Impossible. Now that candy sucker Carter is in the White House.

Teacher Dolores: What kids need is something to weasel its way into their skulls and carry the seed of good literature.

Teacher Eustace: Reinstate the draft.

Teacher Mildred: That doesn’t even make sense.

Teacher Dolores: What about comic books? Young Jimmy is always reading a Bazooka Joe issue in class and I just saw that new movie Batman and Robin is a big hit.

Teacher Mildred: Not a bad idea. Wrap the bitter pill in a slice of cheese. It’s how I give my cats their medicine. Quick, too the printing press!

This is what that meeting brings forth: Dostoyevsky Comics. Read on, dear browser.

See here’s the first problem: Bruce Wayne needs to be rich. No one likes a poor person. They got bugs and crap. At least his parents are still dead. And I guess Batman was a student, a student of destruction.

Fur Coat Batman Cowl is the ballingist thing I’ve seen this year. Someone buy me this for Christmas. So becoming “Batman” is a visual sign that our hero Raskol is now a murderer. Notice the axe logo on his chest. He planned this out well.

Never use tight wrapping paper as a distraction. Had the pawnbroker said “I’ll open this tomorrow and talk to you then. It’s 3am.”, Batman would’ve been effed.

This isn’t Batman. There’s no such thing as the phrase, “Batman forgot to do something”. That step-sister wouldn’t have gotten in had it been Bruce. She would’ve trigged three layers of booby traps that would knock her out and place her magically back in bed.

Also, Raskol grows an amazing beard overnight. Impressive.

There we go, Hero Batman! Saving a dude after he’s been attacked! Flying across the ground like a banshee demon! Notice the carriage driver has the gall to insult the man he’s about to run over while also acknowledging his own ineptness at his job.

Note to self: try murdering someone, then barging into their family’s home carrying his body. They’ll never suspect you.

Holy crap. I just realized the pawnbroker is The Joker.

Now this is an interesting but stretched metaphor. Raskol’s “Extraoridnary Man” theory would justify the real Batman’s vigilantism, and would actualy encourage Batman’s One Rule (Don’t kill, nerds).

Alternate text for the third panel: “This axe of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you! Take this! My love, my anger and all of my sorrow!”

Robin wears a dress well.

And then Batman got off with a light sentence because murder is legal in Russia.

Chad Quandt is Analogy Editor of Nonstop Karate.

About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on November 11, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Comics and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Sadly, the suggestions for overhead crosswalks, while well-intentioned, just aren’t something that are anywhere near the realm of being affordable.As another poster noted, you’ve got to do it at every intersection, and even then people will jaywalk. Who will go a half mile out of their way to cross a street?Every one of the crossovers will have to be handicapped-accessible by law. That means, among other things, the the ramps up and down will have to have a fairly gentle slope and will have to start well back of the highway. We’ve looked at these in Northern Virginia, and they are far too expensive to build.If you want to spend some money, you might consider push button walk/don’t walk signals that turn the lights red in all four directions. But that would probably require extra street lighting so drivers turning right on red could see pedestrians at night.Police enforcement works well when police are there enforcing. When they aren’t, pedestrians and drivers revert to stupid behavior.There’s just no easy and affordable solution to facilitate pedestrian crossing of busy highways.

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