Wherein Our Hero Faces his Own Mortality

I work at a gym. We play music over the house speakers so as to fill the awkward silence that is people doing something over and over again and being miserable about it. Most people at the gym, trainers and employees, bring their own headphones, not because the music we play is bad (it is, but that’s not the primary reason we all bring our own headphones) it’s because everyone has their own music to get pumped to during a workout.

At least we can all agree on what really sucks.

Some like to get lost in house, others need the swagger of hip-hop, or the crunch and thrash of rock.

However, since a client can’t really listen to headphones AND the instructions of a trainer there tends to be a heated argument over what to play.

The gay trainers want techno.

The straight white trainers want rock

The straight black trainers want hip-hop.

The gay black trainers want 70’s dance.

The latino trainers want clients to stop tossing them their keys in the parking lot. *rimshot*

The female trainers want the straight male trainers to stop awkwardly hitting on them when they’re trying to work.

Most of the time, everyone can live in harmony as long as it’s not a slow jam or an extreme example of the genre. For example, a long guitar solo usually means we have to change the music as does any techno song that includes a siren.

I lied. I'll change Oakenfold in a heartbeat.

However, the gym as a whole usually goes through phases where everyone can agree on something for background music. It was techno for a while, which was surprising and weird. Then it was 80’s. Then it was 80’s alternative rock which was again surprising and weird. We recently came out of a hip-hop and R&B bender and now we’re listening to 90’s.

Which has been kind of shitty for me.

I was working out. Hard. Ladies, let me paint the picture for you: there I was, glistening, every muscle fiber activated, and I was preparing to lift every weight in the world before playing a song just for you on my acoustic guitar.

I hope my swollness won’t become a problem for you.

This is me like er'reyday.

In between doing sets of a million, a song started to play, Soul Coughing’s ‘Circles.’ At this point I turned to my workout partner and said “wow this takes me back.”

And that friends, is the first time I’ve ever felt old.

That song came out in 1998, so that was twelve years ago. Which is probably a gut check for anyone reading this.

This got me thinking about a lot of other stuff:

The Matrix is 11 years old.
The first Lord of the Rings movie is nine.

There are children who can walk, and talk, and read, and will someday be the future of the this great nation who were born into a world where Jar Jar Binks has always existed. Do you understand?

Feels good, man.

They can’t mourn the marring of the The Trilogy because has far as they know, it was always supposed to be like that. Jar Jar, “now THIS is pod racing,” and “don’t do it, Anakin, I have the high ground,” have always been a part of the pop culture conversation as far as they know.

I had a discussion two days ago with the son of a client who’s first video game console was the Playstation. The fucking Playstation is his anchor. It is the baseline from which he judge the rest of his gaming lifetime. Do you know why? Because the NES is going to turn 26 next year.
He is seventeen goddamn years old. The original Playstation launched in 1995. So not only is his first videogame console the Playstation, but he didn’t even have to play the shitty launch games. He never had to play Off World Interceptor, Jumping Flash, or Battle Arena Toshinden. No, he got to start with the good shit, Metal Gear Solid, Spyro, Syphon Filter, Tekken 3, Crash Bandicoot 2 etc.

This is the best one.

He didn’t even know they made a system before the Super Nintendo.

There are Weezer fans who didn’t hear “Undone” off the Blue Album, but probably saw the video on YouTube when they were looking up “the one with the Muppets” and the Sweater Song came up under the Recommended Videos thing on the side.
Some music fans don’t even kow that Green Day released an amazing punk album before their heads disappeared up their own asses.

There are kids coming up who just expect Batman movies to be good. They never had to suffer through jet-pack penguins, Jim Carrey dressing as the Riddler to play the Joker, or “ICE to see you,” because Uncle Christopher Nolan was always there, since the beginning to make sure Batman doesn’t turn out like Daredevil.

Their crass commercialism doubling as entertainment is Pokemon not Transformers; the show that will get them through grade school is going to be iCarly or something starring the Jonas Brothers not Boy Meets World. They have no idea what TGIF or SNICK is.

Roundhouse, muthafuckas.

This may be the last generation to understand High Fidelity because they never had to make a mix tape or CD.

It'll look like this, but with comics.

Guys, this is me at 27. Do you have any idea how bad it’s going to be when I hit 30?


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on November 24, 2010, in Matt Loman, Movies, Music, Television, Videogames and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Fuck your 27. Do you have any idea how old you will feel when you see someone you find sexually attractive and then realize that you are old enough to be their parent? And I don’t mean creepy jailbait sexy, I mean legal-adult-over-21 sexy?

    Happened to me just this spring. Yeesh.

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