by Michael Bay
You motherfuckers are welcome.
Yeah, I perfected 3D. I took the beast, wrestled it into the Uncanny Valley where I fucked it right in it’s pink little butt hole.
I know I came down pretty hard on 3D before, and I was right to do it. The technology was promising but like gunpowder, it took a while for it to reach it’s truest potential. Cameron got the ball rolling, but I had to show up and spray my genius all over 3D’s chest to make it the perfect vehicle to deliver my unique brand of explosion fueled art to the watch holes of the masses.
It also helps that I’m using, nay, harnessing 3D to tell a story that isn’t boring as shit.
“Oh we have to save the environment! The trees use the internet! Plug your head dick into the six-legged horse’s head dick and fuck your way to the top of this tree so you can jam your head dick in a pterodactyl’s head dick and brain rape your way across the clouds and into the hearts of a tribe of blue cat monkeys!”
The last fight scene aside, Avatar was gayer than cum on a mustache.
Fear not, I, Mike Blizow Blizay, has got your backs. Transformers in 3D.
Let that sink in; allow it to marinate in your brain; prepare your cock for what’s coming *high fives self,* because if you’re not banging or ‘batin’ like 30 times a day, you’re going to be blowing dust out of your dicks by the second act. It is vital you train your penis for the gifts it’s about to receive.
I remember my first eleven-way, and how unprepared I was. I was so used up by the end; I was just misting the last couple of girls, and believe me, that’s damaging to a girl, psychologically. Two of those women killed themselves. Or moved. Or something.
All you haters and bitter ass bitches just wait for Optimus to spin kick some bad robot’s dick off, and when that twirling robot thunder cock sails off the screen and feels like it’s coming right at you, you will know my goodness. You will all become my heralds and trumpet my awesomeness to everyone because I will be too busy trying to dig myself out of a moat of pussy in front of Coochie Castle which is, of course, the capital of Titty City, to talk as much shit as usual.
There’ve been some doubts about my ability to tame the demon bitch 3D, but rest assured basement geniuses, that I have accounted for everything. We’re color balancing two versions of the movie, in stupid ass 2D and bomb ass 3D so it won’t be overly dark like that movie by my “peer” Melbert Night Shamamamamamamamabored.
The movie will work just as well in 2D, with the 3D serving to enhance certain scenes. No one’s going to be offering someone a drink and we’ll switch to a POV shot so it looks like the Code Red is coming right at you. It’s dumb, gimmicky, and there aren’t actually any scenes where that would happen in the movie. Shia was on set for about nine minutes total. That’s aggregated from every set, too. Nine minutes.
He shows up screams “OPTIMUS” and “BUMBLEBEE” and then fucks off so we can get to that sweet, nasty robot hate fucking. Some of which will take place on the moon. Yeah, name the last good movie to go to the moon. If you said Armageddon I like where your head’s at, but that was an asteroid. If you named any other movie you’re an idiot asshole.
That’s it. I’ve laid out my cards and put my dick on the table. You pussies want to measure up?
Let me be perfectly clear: if you come into the theater, and find a problem with the 3D on a technical level, I will come to your house, present you with a check to refund your money for your ticket AND give you enough to buy ANOTHER ticket to a different movie, then I will bang your mom in front of you, probably from behind, especially if she has those cute little back dimples, and as an encore, I will fuckstart your face.
I will use my dick to viciously make such a boner hurricane in your mouth that your brain will begin to spin not unlike an engine turning over, and it will cause your head to fly away from your body. I will then shoot it down with a rocket launcher.
Yeah, they gave me rocket launchers.
*puts on jet suit, ascends to sky like a god returning to Olympus*
I don’t know about you guys, but I am excited for this movie.