I’m kinda rooting for AIDS somehow.

AIDS are bad. Africa is pretty unstable and just “Hotel Rwanda” everywhere (I really shouldn’t get that much enjoyment out of randomly yelling “Tsutsi rebels!” but I do). And we are a long way from ever fixing things there.

But don’t worry, little boy with a dying immune system, Khloe Kardashian is going to stop Twittering for you!

Yes, little boy, Twitter is very confusing, but it’s a very noble sacrifice. You see, these celebrities use Twitter to promote themselves and increase their digital influence. Some also make funny jokes, but it’s mostly to advertise their identities.

How does this help you, little girl with an arm missing? (Yes, AIDS can totally make you lose an arm through the power of sadness) The public are challenged to buy back their new gods’ online lives.

Little AIDS boy and girl, I have never rooted for your disease, but Elijah Wood is making me.America is lethargic; a fat bloated man who feels things like compassion and rage and horny, that believes voting down a YouTube comment is enough to express themselves. Maybe this campaign is the only way to get some people to donate money. Nancy Cartwool, a woman obsessed with Ryan Seacrest and dog sweaters in North Dakota, might finally contribute to the giant unfathomable monster that is third world disease.

Also, I don’t know half of the people listed in this campaign. Am I that old?


Is it too much to ask for a good thing that doesn’t inflate the egos of those who already have raging boners for themselves? Perhaps if Lady Gaga said she wouldn’t perform anymore at all until a set amount of money was made? It would still stroke the ego, but it would set more of an importance over the problem that an entire continent is wallowing in misery.

I’m not much better. I have done less for this cause than the celebrities. If I were to deactivate my Twitter, one or two people would be kinda bummed. The only real thing I can do in my position is to leave my life here in Los Angeles, sell all my possessions, and work in Africa itself where I will likely waste my time or be exploited by a charity.

Oh yea, there are a lot of corrupt charities. Donations end up lost. And this is with stuff like The Red Cross. So there’s always the chance that the money you contribute might not even be seen by those you intend.

A $10 minimum donation? What is this fancy elitism? The Red Lobster of charities?

We all want at least these two things: to not have AIDS, and to be wanted enough that our actions affect people’s lives. That’s what this Digital Death campaign comes across as; an extravagant circle jerk.

I see threads on sites like Reddit that say “If this post makes it to the front page, I’ll donate $800 dollars to Haiti!” or Facebook groups like “For every 1,000 people that join this group, I’ll donate $20”. If you have the means, for the love of Scott Adsit, give. Don’t hold your potential aid over our collective heads like we’re a dog begging for a treat. All you’re doing this way is saying “Hey world! Notice my generosity! Aren’t I humble and great?”

As of yesterday, the charity had only raised $180,000 of their million dollar mark. So let’s say they fall short; is there going to be an awkwardly quiet moment when the Twitter accounts become active again without any fanfare or acknowledgment of defeat?

Chad Quandt is Hypocrite Editor of Nonstop Karate

About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on December 3, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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