How to Survive Anything Part 2
I wrote part one like a year ago. I’m bad at this.
Tell you what, if you, or anyone you know was a victim of aliens, pirates, or vampires, I owe you a beer.
The forever other, aliens of every stripe are part of our inherent dreams and nightmares.
On the one hand, you have the Star Trek aliens. They are sentient, technologically advanced and can be talked to, negotiated with, and no matter what, while they may not always agree with us, most will try to understand us.
We will not run into these aliens.
If we do, we’ll try to fuck them up anyway. We can barely get along with each other because of differing melanin content or because someone has a different name for God; what do you think is going to happen when we run into someone with completely different anatomy?
We’re predators, plain and simple. No amount of hippies and vegans is going to change that.
Frankly, if a race can traverse space, they had to become the top of the food chain on their planets, so they’re going to be predators, too. We will be competing for living space and resources.
Now, if we’re of equal or comparable tech to the aliens, that’s a different article. This is about how to survive an alien invasion.
First up, keep your goddamn head down. You know who dies first? Heroes.
You don’t want to be part of the first wave of attackers against the alien horde, because the first wave is going to get wiped out as an abject lesson to the rest of us about our bullshit tactics and laughable technology.
I mean, have you ever just thought about what a gun is? It’s a device that directs an explosion. Then we put a small piece of metal in front of that explosion. The only improvements we’ve made are that it holds bigger or smaller explosions or makes faster explosions.
Now granted, holding a controlled explosion machine is cool as shit, but when you compare that with hard light machines and disintegration rays, it does come up a little lacking. It’s the 21st century and we don’t even have robot suits.
I’m not mad; I’m just disappointed.
As I said, don’t be a part of the first wave, and don’t get cocky. Aliens don’t think like use in nearly every sense beyond ‘survive.’ They’re going to have some weird ass invention or device that we never even planned for because our minds just don’t approach problems the way theirs do. Stay in the basement, go out when the chance of being nabbed is least, and never, for a second think you’re smarter than they are.
All you have to do is remember those two things, and get through the first week and you’re golden.
The aliens are going to have some stupid-ass weakness to germs or water or puppies or they’re going to eat us and get SPACE AIDS.
It’s really no different from surviving zombies, just lay low and don’t attract attention. After that it’s up to Cosmic Cholera or Will Smith and Randy Quaid to save us.
There’s only one thing you must absolutely remember about pirates.
They. Do Not. Give. A. Fuck. About Shit.
Here’s a fun fact: most sailors during the time when you could only traverse the world via boat didn’t know how to swim.
Because it was considered bad luck.
It meant you had no faith in the boat, your captain, the crew, or your own skills. They would willingly go out far from home in a thing made from dead trees and tar, surround themselves by something that would kill them, and live their lives with no knowledge of how to get themselves out of catastrophe.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: the ocean sucks. It’s a pitiless hell bitch filled with things that are either poisonous or laden with teeth. Sometimes both.
Pirates are like illiterate, rotten toothed, scurvy-ridden astronauts. They’re also drunk most of the time wielding rusty blades and guns that are just as liable to explode in their hands as shoot their intended target.
Step one to dealing with pirates: you need to meet them at their level.
Now, I’m not saying you need to become a professional rapist or anything, but to deal with this brand of crazy, you’re going to have to get crazy yourself.
Kind of like Batman.
Step one, festoon yourself with weapons. ‘Tis the season, so cover yourself with guns and knives like a paramilitary Christmas tree. Everything’s a weapon: hammers, grappling hooks, chains, etc. Basically, if it puts a hole in something or hurts like hell, it passes the test.
The more random crap you have strapped to your body the better, because everyone knows what a sword does, but have you ever seen what a grappling hook or small anchor does to the human body?
Biologically speaking, it’s catastrophic.
Second, do not underestimate them. A lot of them are going to be thieves and lowlifes trying out a different brand of crime, but the ones who matter, the officer’s corps, essentially, are going to be lifers who either know what they’re doing or are former naval officers who know nothing but the sea, but have no interest in climbing the ranks so they can wear finer wigs and larger and larger hats.
They know what they’re doing, and will probably know a whole hell of a lot more than you about ocean based combat.
Third, know how to swim. If your boat sinks you can always swim to an island, or to another boat and then take theirs.
Finally, just don’t go near the ocean. Again, the ocean sucks. It’s filled with sharks, and krakens, and lion fish, and blue ringed octopi, and, oh yeah, fucking pirates.
Now, there are a lot of vampire stories out there. Call it an obsession with immortality, a gleeful embrace of our own dark natures, or maybe, at some base level, we’re all kind of interested in cannibalism.
The problem with this is everyone kind of has a different idea of what A.) what a vampire’s power set and strength levels are and B.) what the weaknesses are.
According to Blade rules, crosses and running water don’t do shit, but garlic and silver do. Buffy says garlic, crosses, some magic work, but silver never really came up. If you ask Twilight, they’re invincible super cannibals who, instead of taking over the world, want to go to high school forever and live their lives like a fucking Cure song.
But you know what works, and not just for vampires?
Cutting the head off. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, big, small, live, dead, undead, magic, science, whatever, just cut it’s head off.
You can use garlic, or crosses, or whatever to weaken the vampire, but you know, cut it’s fucking head off.
Really, the only thing you’re going to have a quibble with is what to use. Broadswords are iconic, and battle axes are badass, but they’re also heavy as all hell. Vampires are already faster and stronger than you, don’t handicap yourself even more.
Samurai swords are light and sharp, but you don’t have the degree of skill to really use it to its potential.
Oh, what’s that? You took a kendo class? You’ve been to Japan? You looooove anime?
YOU DO NOT HAVE THE DEGREE OF SKILL TO USE A SAMURAI SWORD.
See you guys on Monday, but be sure to come back tomorrow to finish your week out Chad Style.*
*Chad Style involves cheese and tears
Posted on December 16, 2010, in History Lessons, Lists, Matt Loman, Movies, Pop Culture, Television, Videogames and tagged alien invasions, aliens, blade, buccaneers, buffy, I'd get murdered by bunnies, invasions, pirates, vampires, why would you ever listen to me. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.