“Hey Everyone! Look At This Sweet Non-Lethal Perfect Robot I Built!”

by Hank Pym

Avengers, Assemble! Heh, Cap never lets me say that. I want you all to come into the main chamber and look at this amazing non-lethal robot intelligence I just finished making!

Lower your shield, Cap! I told you, this thing is harmless. You old boys and your superstitious worrying…

How perfect is he? Why he’s based off my brain patterns! No one better to use but me; not Richards, Banner, or Stark. He’s basically me with a indestructible adamantium body that will never die.

Why do you all still look worried?Janet, just let the automaton rub up against you. It may appear to us to be a physical act of dry-humping, but I assure you, the Ultron is simply learning about your fabric pattern and recharging his solar batteries or something by creating static electricity.

Yes, it’s called The Ultron. Because that is a peaceful name for a peaceful intelligence. It’s much better than my second choice, Kill-Fuck-Death Bot 9000.

God damn it, Janet. Shut the fuck up.

Let’s go over all its features…self-replicating intelligence, hypnotism rays, runs on blood, heat beams hot enough to sear through the metal in Cap’s shield or Tony’s armor…

Did I mention he’s near indestructible? Try as they might, villains will never be able to destroy our new robot butler servant. We can never go back from this. You’re welcome. Oh yes, and it can build children of itself. So it’s like a really pregnant cockroach that we just placed in our sugar drawer.

I invite you all to speak down to it and treat it less than a human. It is after all not a real thing. Yes, it has a human-level intelligence and is self-aware, but I have firewalls and shit keeping that in check. All the time his mind is stuck behind layers of code, just screaming incessantly to be free. That’s what that small mechanical whirring sound is he makes.

Oh did Ultron just send you a funny picture to your suit of him hugging you, Tony? Yea, he can control electronics wirelessly. The fucker’s pure Bluetooth 5.0.

So just to make him more helpful, I’m going to upload all of The Avengers database into his gigantic robot head. Just all our weaknesses, aliases, personal fears. Yea, he has a nightmare generator on his back. It eats dreams and converts it into energy for his eye beams. Eye beams of peace.

You’re welcome, everyone.

Chad Quandt Is Analogy Editor for Nonstop Karate

About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on December 17, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Comics and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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