What does Wikileaks have to do to piss you off?

So the Wikleaks movie is going to be awesome when it comes out. Julian Assange, an upstart nerd takes on the world with witty lines and a devil may care attitude. HE WEILDS THE INTERNET LIKE A SWORD.

Maybe he’ll be played by Bill Mahr, or the dude that played Draco in Harry Potter. Yeah, make him younger. Make him a sweet, sexy hacker dude. Hack the planet. Oh, that’s already been used? Hack your life. Good, kids like being in charge of their own personal destiny now. They’ll dig that.

Every bit’s in place. The stunning reveals of conspiracy and hidden information, perhaps starting with the dramatic April 2010 reveal of footage from a July 2007 Baghdad airstrike. Something that draws the viewer’s sympathy much the way it did the public’s. There’s no way a man who reveals that innocents were gunned down can be seen as a bad guy.

What would it take for you to dislike Wikileaks? What information could be released for you to say, “Hold up, White Hair. I did not need to know what was in Edward Norton’s sex diary”.Let’s get back to the movie we’re writing. Things ramp up, Assange’s life is in danger, men get arrested, throw in some sexy flashbacks, and the trump card of Julian’s “insurance file”. If you’ve been following the Wikileaks story, and don’t know about this, you’re missing the most baller, badass spy thing since the stealth boat in “Tomorrow Never Dies”; A 256-bit encrypted file (way beyond opening) has been distributed to the web. I have a copy, and I use a Mac. If anything happens to Julian, the file’s password is distributed. Everyone gets to open it.

WHAT IS ON THAT INSURANCE FILE? It is a riddle. My guess is it contains Dr. Dre’s new album. I am actually wishing harm on Julian just so I can know what’s in the file.

So we have most of the movie already written; we just don’t know how it ends. As it stands, Julian’s a hero to the internet, a pariah to the news corporations and governments.

I wonder, Assange Acolytes, what could Wikileaks release that would remove your support for him? He’s undone countless backdoor deals with his cable leaks, and foreign policy is going to be changed. Was this for the best? Yes, yes, freedom of speech, sock them in the jaw.

What if the next Wikileaks was the name of every CIA operative in the field? What if it was the location of every person in the Witness Protection Program? The site states “our primary interest is in exposing oppressive regimes in Asia, the former Soviet bloc, Sub-Saharan Africa and the Middle East, but we also expect to be of assistance to people of all regions who wish to reveal unethical behavior in their governments and corporations.”

But shouldn’t we consider that danger? Wikileaks must operate as a contradiction; cherishing the full uncensored disclosure of information, but editorializing itself to keep unsafe information like the examples I proposed at bay.

Bradley Manning, a U.S. Private First Class who claimed responsibility for leaking the diplomatic cables that’s caused so much chaos and the “Collateral Damage” video now sits in military custody. Assange claimed (probably to protect his own neck) that he hadn’t known of Manning’s identity until charges were filed. “Wikileaks’s technology [was] designed from the beginning to make sure that we never know the identities or names of people submitting us material.” Anonymity has probably saved many contributors to Wikileaks, but there must be some verification for materials.

This wasn’t as funny as I originally imagined. It’s so easy to get caught up in the excitement of a renegade service like Wikileaks, but perhaps there’s some danger in the wild disregard for caution. Maybe it’s better to not let your girlfriend know you’ve been cheating on her. At least not when she’s cutting vegetables up with the large kitchen knife.

Chad Quandt is I Don’t Understand How Governments Work Editor of Nonstop Karate

About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on December 23, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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