I flew across the country to eat both Carl’s Jr and Hardee’s in the same day.

Apparently our headlines at Nonstop Karate are inversely proportionate to how pointless our posts are (I do not have charts to prove this. It’s just psuedo-science, y’all).

Godmas forced me to back to my first home of The Midwest, a land where dogs roam free but babies can sit out on the porch all night and get nothing more than an appreciation for the safety of their mother’s tit. If you’ve never ventured out past the coast you were born in, you might not be aware of the multitude of fast food options available. In Indiana, high school kids can visit Steak N’ Shake all night, eating string fries and drinking one cup of coffee because it’s either that or run through the local Wal-Mart. Those don’t exist in California, a state who’s closest relation would be the illustrious In-N-Out (Hey! They both use “N” in their names!). Another continental divide is Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr, owned by the same parent company and both sporting that stupid smiling star.

I ate from both in the span of hours. And sat in a cramped plane in between them. Sorry girl-next-to-me-that-I-sweated-on.There are a few subtle differences between Hardee and Carl, two men who probably had some sort of family blood feud that tore apart their franchise down the middle.

The original Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr Food Challenge was to eat one of the restaurant’s entire value menu, fly across country, and then do the same at the other. You then were to sit and talk about it. Let me know if I’m wrong, readers, but I believe neither has such a menu. Both present you with a list of burgers ranging three to eight money units that says “Yes, our meat paste is high quality. Take this shit seriously”.

Here’s the thing: they’re really not that different. The burgers have slight variations such as mushrooms at Hardee’s and BBQ at Carl’s. Both offer fried chicken tenders. Carl’s calls their big burger the “Six Dollar Burger”, Hardee’s offers the Thickburger. I’m sure some marketing guru determined that West Coast denizens want to buy a burger that’s name is valued at more than it costs. East Coast people obviously love girls with big butts, hence the “thick”.

Owning this SHOULD be awesome and make you the coolest guy in town. SHOULD.

What does this all mean? That America isn’t that different. Much the same way most religions are arguing over little details about the same general idea, all our arguments over who has the best burgers is really semantics over who presents their fat globs in the best way.

Take someone you love, hold them close, and pour some fat down your throats. It don’t matter. We’ll all be fat together.

[Note: Nonstop Karate is not responsible for any health problems you will probably receive from pouring fat down your throat.]

Chad Quandt is Analogy Editor for Nonstop Karate.

About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on December 31, 2010, in Chad Quandt, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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