Monthly Archives: January 2011

Oh, THAT’S How You Use Your Penis

This whole time I’ve been doing sex wrong. I thought your penis was either an extension of your self and therefore everything that makes you a man, or an organ that can be used for very intimate, passionate love making.

::puts on Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be“::

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Ah, Hell.

I forgot to have anything ready today. I suck.

Here’s a picture of a corgi, courtesy this wonderful blog.

I bet being a dog is really awesome.

So there’s that. I suck, I know I do. I had all day yesterday. Did nothing.

I’m not proud of it, but it happened. Have you guys ever had Hot Pot? It’s either Chinese Hot Pot, or Mongolian Hot Pot. I don’t know because I’m bad Chinese.

Hot Pot is where I was yesterday. Three hours of eating what is essentially a giant tub of soup filled with the contents of a pu-pu platter. The amount of food on display is both inspiring and humbling.

Inspiring, because eating all of it is truly an accomplishment, and humbling because you never will.

Except I did. I am a monster. So did everyone else I was with. We all went into shame spirals, and most went into the blessed rest of a food coma.

You’re going to try and fight the coma. Do not fight the coma. I fought the coma. You know what my reward was? Brain damage. My thinker’s gone right to Hell, because I crammed my body so full of food, that my sinuses filled with meat, forcing my brain to get pushed into the the top of my skull, slowly annihilating all higher cognitive function, and the thin membrane separating muscles from skin is now filled with dumpling skins and rice paper.

I lay here, typing this, praying for the sweet release of death.

Matt

How To Be One Less Lonely Girl

Justin Bieber once said, “I don’t need too much, just somebody to love”.  Here are some tips to help you become that somebody.

1. Be a girl

WHY: Justin has made it clear that he is really, really into girls. When I say “girl” I mean a girl, not a woman, though he may disagree. You might have gone through puberty but this kid is in the middle of it so I’m pretty sure it’s illegal if not extremely creepy to think about him in that way you may be doing if you are 18+. Read the rest of this entry

I Will Save Your Franchise pt. 1

Hey dudes and lady-dudes,

Are you excited for the new Batman movie from Nolan and friends? Of course you are. We’re not sure what aspect of Selina Kyle Anne Hathaway’s going to be, especially since all announcements have been very, very, very careful about not calling her Catwoman, but all of that will take shape in the coming months.

This is the bar.

Bane, though? That could be really awesome. The guy is essentially anti-Batman. Take Bruce’s drive, ambition, natural genius, and physical prowess, and strip it of all morality. Apply Batman’s skills, mind, and attitude but to someone with no code except his own. It could be the movie that finally gives us someone who can go head to head with Batman mentally and physically.

I like his intensity.

Note: I wrote this on Tuesday and I had no idea about Chad’s anti-Bane, anti- Nolan tirade. The above is not a response to that.

This part, in the italics is. I have complete and utter faith in this movie for two reasons: 1.) What in Nolan’s track record makes you not excited for this movie? Every movie he’s done, for better or worse, did everything right and well. He’s got a few I’ll probably never buy, but that’s personal taste for the subject matter. I cannot deny that they are well-put together movies. He has pretty much mastered his craft. 2.) the Dark Knight made Batman Begins look like it was shot in someone’s backyard over a long weekend. Now extrapolate what’s going to happen in this one from the Dark Knight. Anyone not excited for this movie is nursing a boner for the Joker which is the dork equivalent of all the rappers and hustler wannabes considering Scarface the end all be all of cinema.

Your move, Batman.

However for every Dark Knight, we get an X-Men 3. For every Spider-Man 2 there’s a Spider-Man 3. Actually, that’s inaccurate, because the breakdown is not one for one. For every X-Men 2 or Iron Man there’s like 12 Wanteds.

It doesn’t have to be that way, though. We can all, actually, collectively try and do better.

Fuck it. Tell Darwyn Cooke he's drawing everything, forever.

That sounds like work, and I know that people on both sides of this issue, nerds and Hollywood executives, are two of the most work-averse people on the planet, but most of this is easy, and is easier if we’re dealing with an established property.

What follows are my proposals to fix a few franchises. These in no way guarantee a movie will be good, a lot of the depends on writing, directing, acting, and since this all sci-fi/fantasy, art direction, but I think you’ll agree, steps toward the proper destination.
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Holy Impossibe Expectations, Batman! The Dark Knight Rises might suck.

The casting announcement of Tom Hardy and Anne Hatheway wasn’t a complete sigh of relief to those holding their breath for The Dark Knight Rises news; it was more like loosening a pocket of air stuck in your throat. What Christopher Nolan does with Selina Kyle and Bane, two characters very cartoonishly represented in the older Batman films, is uncertain. Let us not forget Halle Berry’s Catwoman, as much as she would have us do so.

What’s more reassuring is dispelling the previous tabloid-style gossip and fan-casting about the movie; Johnny Depp as the Riddler, Megan Fox as Catwoman, Kristen Bell as Harley Quinn (which does sound perfect if Ledger was alive to reprise his role).

Even with the mostly-positive response from fans, we should all brace for the worst with the third installment in the Gravel-Voice Badass Trilogy. Read the rest of this entry

When Women Say Men are Disgusting, This is What They’re Talking About

Here it is, further proof that there is a direct line to my brain and that there are people making movies, TV, and comics based on what they find in my head; someone has filmed and will soon release a food truck porn movie.

Now, I’ve never had that exact idea, but were I to map out my brain, food and porn would be close. If not next door, certainly in the same neighborhood.

This makes sense if clicked on that Safe-For-Work link.

Here’s the thing, now that it’s been combined, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t pass by a food truck without imagining the litany of health codes that were shattered by lust . I’m not alone. I’m sure this is happening to innocent street food patrons all over Los Angeles.

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“Taxi Driver” causes dead presidents.

History lesson about presidential assassins, y’all. At some point in the last two centuries, a man tried to kill President Reagan. He kinda ruined all presidential assassinations by missing trying. I would never wish death on anyone, regardless of what I think about their policies or acting ability. It’s just that at some point in the far future, someone’s going to have to kill our evil Robo-President-Magistrate when he gets too tough with the food rations, and if John F. Hinckley hadn’t tried to kill Reagan, perhaps there would be a few less guard droids to deal with when that happens.

Nonstop Karate’s totally on some FBI monitoring list now, aren’t we? Read the rest of this entry