”You small town boys have really impressed this college scout with your hustle”

by College Scout Mike Bitsko

I always dread the drive down here to Ashberg. Leaving the comforts of Ruby Tuesdays and Krispy Kremes of Indianapolis to drive through four hours of snow and empy corn fields is not exactly an entertaining Friday evening. I could be six inches into my frumpy wife when I hit the Mobil 66 gas station that marks the half-way point. But you boys, you good old country boys, have impressed this jaded old college scout with your hustle tonight.

Jameson, you put up 12 rebounds tonight! That’s incredible, son. With all them black boys central had on the other team, you had to reach up in them jungle trees to get that rock. And you did it.

Williamson, that half-court chuck in at the buzzer will definitely make the evening news, maybe even back in Indy. And we noticed that. True, we rarely enter into a situation in college athletics where we’re required to heave the ball at the net from downtown like an Olympic shot putter, but sometimes we do. It’s good to know you can do that. We might offer you a scholarship tonight purely to have a miracle man on the team. If you don’t work out, we can always make you the mascot.

Now I’ll be honest with you boys. We only have one scholarship at Indy Tech. Last year Coach Dean got in trouble for calling up recruits at illegal times. The man wasn’t even talking to them about ball, just whether they ever felt alone at night. God, we would’ve won the Bronze Woodchuck last year.

So I’m going to lay this out here. We’re doing this Hunger Games style. I’m sure you boys have read the wonderful Young Adult fiction of Suzanne Collins. No? Well, that explains your lower G.P.A., Jones. You’re already a losing horse in this race.

In the duffel bag that sits before us are several items; a small handgun, sai weapons, a frying pan, a cell phone. I’m going to leave the locker room now and tell your coach you need a few more minutes together. I expect the first person to walk out of this locker room to be covered in blood and also be the last one to come out. ‘Cause the rest will be dead.

Ok, you still not following me? You boys see The Dark Knight? Remember when the Joker made those guys fight to the death with a pool cue? That’s what’s happening. No there are no pool cues. Jesus, don’t make me take back those compliments about the hustle.

See one of you in a few minutes.

[Editor’s Note: I chose a picture of West Virginia defensive coordinator Jeff Casteel simply because he looked like the man I pictured in my head. In no way is this intended to reflect how West Virginia recruits. For god’s sake, the monologue is about a basketball recruiter, not football.]


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on January 14, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Character and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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