Holy Impossibe Expectations, Batman! The Dark Knight Rises might suck.

The casting announcement of Tom Hardy and Anne Hatheway wasn’t a complete sigh of relief to those holding their breath for The Dark Knight Rises news; it was more like loosening a pocket of air stuck in your throat. What Christopher Nolan does with Selina Kyle and Bane, two characters very cartoonishly represented in the older Batman films, is uncertain. Let us not forget Halle Berry’s Catwoman, as much as she would have us do so.

What’s more reassuring is dispelling the previous tabloid-style gossip and fan-casting about the movie; Johnny Depp as the Riddler, Megan Fox as Catwoman, Kristen Bell as Harley Quinn (which does sound perfect if Ledger was alive to reprise his role).

Even with the mostly-positive response from fans, we should all brace for the worst with the third installment in the Gravel-Voice Badass Trilogy.First, accept the impossibility of topping The Dark Knight. Ledger’s Joker, the dozen iconic scenes, seeing Rachel Dawes get blown up; all of these things can’t be beaten. There is nothing I can fathom being more entertaining than that in one package. Imagine if Nolan creates another Batman Begins, a good movie in its own right. No one wants to watch Batman Begins over The Dark Knight. Why would you unless it’s a Katie Holmes preference? So all Nolan has to do is be consistent and he’ll disappoint.

Remember a time when seeing this woman made you think of hotness and the theme from Dawson's Creek and not Scientology.

It should’ve been The Riddler. The possible plots that could come from a Nolan-Riddler excite me. They make my penis throw up. I can’t see too many exciting lines for Bane. I hope I’m eating my words next year, but there is far more story potential with a man who enjoys playing crime games…wait. That’s pretty much what The Joker did too, isn’t it? Ok, that point’s retracted, but counterpoint: Neil Patrick Harris would’ve rocked that shit. Fan-casting!

The major points of Batman and his life have been covered. The Dark Knight deserves marks for incorporating the main dimensions of not just both Joker and Two-Face, but Bruce Wayne himself. Just be glad that Harvey Dent and The Joker are off the table (ignoring the tragedy of the real-life death). Had either returned, The Joker would taunt Bats amidst a flurry of clever schemes, and Two-Face would create more situations where a coin-flip decides everything. In those two and a half hours, we saw Batman’s inability to kill, dealing with Joker’s chaos, the possibility that Bruce created a need for villains by appearing first, and seeing Bruce continue on despite everyone in Gotham falling into darkness.

If Batman riding into Gotham as he was hunted by police was the last thing we see of this story, I would be happy. There’s no way I’d rather have Bats than constantly fighting injustice while being hated by those he protects. It works for Spiderman too. What else can happen? Batman’s cleared for murdering Harvey Dent? The city embraces The Bat and rolls out a carpet? Bruce dies in a heroic last gesture, saving the city from a 200-story Clayface?

The title had already been used, but a jump forward in time to Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns would’ve been a logical step. The dark material is already an inspiration to anyone making a gritty Batman story, and it would fit into the world Nolan’s created. Sure, you’d lose Lucius and Commissioner Gordon, but seeing how Bruce had deteriorated after another twenty years? That’s the money ticket. Also, Clint Eastwood would have to play Old Bruce.

Bane and Catwoman are going to have several clever scenes that will win us over to them. Bane has a long way to go for people who’s only knowledge of him is Batman & Robin. Here’s an example: Batman will be tricked to walk into a giant Rube Golberg machine that culminates in a curtain being lifted to reveal Bane standing right next to him. Then Bane breaks his back and says “Hate to break this to you”. Nolan, have your people contact me.

There's a good reason I just now saw this mock-up poster. It's absolutely terrifying.

Banner pic from GTR26 on DeviantArt.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on January 26, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Comics, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I think the Riddler would have been good but he probably would have just been too similar to the Joker. However, my major concern is ensuring the film is realistic and not too comic-y; something the other two films have managed quite well.

  2. If done right, there’s no way the Riddler would be similar to The Joker. The Joker is a psychopath with a bad and very twisted sense of humour whose schemes incorporate the absurb, insane, and even downright silly. The Riddler on the other hand is an intellectual snob who thinks no man his equal but who also suffers from an obsessive need to leave riddles at his crime scenes. His schemes involve riddles and logical puzzles which he thinks Batman is far too stupid to solve.

    Riddler would have worked fine. It would have been a nice response (many years late) to Jim Carrey’s well-played if over-the-top and inaccuratly depicted Riddler (which felt more like a cover band version of Joker, really and perhaps one of the reasons some folk thing Riddler “similar” to the Clown Prince of Crime). I’m looking forward to Hathaway’s Catwoman. I have a feeling she will help us forget about that awful Halle Berry movie. I’m also willing to give Bane a chance as the main villain (even if I think his coat with the weird high collar really sucks). People also tend to believe Bane to be nothing more than a big, dumb superstrong brute. They forget or just don’t know that he’s highly intelligent and cunning as well as being impossibly strong.

  3. This is the original Batman issue #497 titled “The Broken Bat” from July 13, 1993. It is #11 of the Knightfall series. In the story an exhausted Batman returns to Wayne Manor where Bane ambushes him in the Batcave, defeats him, and delivers the final blow: breaking Batman’s back, leaving him a paraplegic. Limited number of copies. First come, first served

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