How To Be One Less Lonely Girl
1. Be a girl
WHY: Justin has made it clear that he is really, really into girls. When I say “girl” I mean a girl, not a woman, though he may disagree. You might have gone through puberty but this kid is in the middle of it so I’m pretty sure it’s illegal if not extremely creepy to think about him in that way you may be doing if you are 18+.
2. Make sure your blog url, Twitter handle, Facebook name, email, etc. DOES NOT contain any references to The Biebs.
WHY: You don’t want to come off as a stalker. Instead of professing your most likely unrequited love via username, why not try something that makes you seem interesting, cute, fun, and most importantly, mentally stable? Bieber told Vanity Fair that he was “crazy…nuts. Just the way [his] brain works. [He’s] not normal” but I think he meant more in a “creative way that we might not understand” rather than a “could find a home in a mental institution”. You may want to try something that contains or references your name, a favorite (normal) hobby, or maybe a book (so he knows you are literate). Remember: the Internet is a great vehicle for potentially reaching the tween heart throb of your dreams, so think about how you are representing yourself.
3. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TWEET/POST/UPDATE YOUR STATUS WITH DEATH THREATS TO ANY GIRL THAT HAS COME INTO CONTACT WITH JB.
WHY: You’re trying to come off as mentally stable, remember? Plus from what I gather he’s a lover not a fighter. I’m looking at you, girl who tweeted, “roses are red, violets are blue, @selenagomez if you’ll break @justinbieber’s heart I’m gonna kill you :3”.
4. Have a sense of humor and a brain
WHY: With such a serious line of work, he’s going to need someone to make him giggle his stress away. It is my belief that in order to be as successful as Justin, you have to be somewhat intelligent, or at least know some smart people. This is where you could (potentially) come in. Even if you aren’t completing The New York Times crossword together every Sunday, you could still discuss a good viral marketing strategy. Or talk about farts. That’s what teenage boys talk about, right?
5. Be Understanding
WHY: Justin is going through a hard time in his life. He has to adjust to the spotlight while adjusting to his changing body. Although growing up is different for boys and girls, both can experience mass amounts of embarrassment as your body throws new things into the mix. Let him know it’s a good thing he can’t hit the high notes in “U Smile” anymore. Help him pick out his first razor to take care of his dirty upper lip. Comfort him when he needs to go shopping because his pants from last week are too short. Just be wary that as your relationship goes nowhere but up, something else might head that direction more often, too.
6. Be Famous
WHY: You have a much better chance of being noticed if you are also gracing the covers of Popstar rather than blending in with the crowd at one of his book signings. If you are seen in public with him you might even get death threats from fans, which fortunately makes you more famous. But remember: do NOT make death threats yourself. Although threats are a good way to get noticed and possibly become Internet famous, a sign -or a cute, low cut top- will also work.
7. Actually, instead of just being famous, be Kim Kardashian
WHY: He’s into that. Remember his tweets and that Elle photo shoot? Too bad she’s almost twice his age.
8. Be Selena Gomez
WHY: They are totally doing everything but “it”, even if her purity ring is off. They totally are playing kissy faces and touching butts, literally. If you are Selena, you probably didn’t need to read this far because you already won. But for the rest of you, this is no reason to send death threats, so please press backspace on your latest tweet before you send it. Oh, and it should be noted that Selena is only two years older.
9. Be older than he is.
WHY: As shown in points 7 & 8 he is into older women. He probably has mommy issues and is looking for someone to take care of him and sing “Baby, baby, baby, oh” to him before bed. I KID! Everyone knows the spotlight ages you prematurely. He’s just looking for someone on his level.
10. Get over it.
WHY: You probably are never going to date Justin Bieber, let alone get close enough to him to meet him or even give him the engagement ring you picked out. It’s for the best. You can go back to photoshopping your head on Selena’s body now.