Oh, THAT’S How You Use Your Penis

This whole time I’ve been doing sex wrong. I thought your penis was either an extension of your self and therefore everything that makes you a man, or an organ that can be used for very intimate, passionate love making.

::puts on Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be“::

Fear the penis? Do you know what site I found this ad on? I don’t remember. I’m sure it was an adult site of some nature. But this ad is better suited for a rape advocates blog. A web community of girls who do terrible things to their vaginas like sticking power tools up there. A NFL fantasy football site.

I’ve stumbled across a few videos of Ron Jeremy in porn. Recent videos. He’s still performing, usually in a video that was made for people who want to see girls get destroyed by old men. I don’t understand that fetish unless you are an old man. I also don’t understand having a thing for pregnant women. There’s other ways to see fat women naked, so why does she have to be pregnant? What you’re saying to me with that fetish is that you want to see a dick going into a uterus that already has a baby in it. You’re basically banging a baby.

Also, Ron Jeremy is terrifying.

By my calculations, of which 05% is based on math, there has to be several thousand men in this country with comically large penises. Of those, several hundred would be fine performing porn. That means there are many potential candidates to replace Ron Jeremy. And they hopefully don’t view their genitals as a weapon to instill terror in women. So get out there, porn talent scouts. Grab a few fluffers and hit the road. Someone needs to unseat Ron Jeremy before he thinks he’s Batman and tries to stop robbers by pulling his shlong out.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on January 31, 2011, in Chad Quandt and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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