Monthly Archives: February 2011

Bay vs. His Birthday pt. 2

Previously, on Battlestar Galactica NonStop Karate…

Vegas! Hallucinogens!

Bay! Cage! Assistant!
LAX! Craters!

An Unstoppable Army of Prostitutes bent on love… and MURDER!
And Now, Part Two of Michael Bay vs His Birthday!

Our hero.

*-*-*
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Nonstop Karate are King Makers

Some might say that Destructo Box was a successful underground web series that didn’t really take off until they started getting their updates posted on NK. Some might say this blog had nothing to do with it, and we merely recognized a good thing that was already on its way when we saw it. More than likely the latter.

Destructo Box has been picked up by Mondo Media, master of series such as Dr. Tran, Happy Tree Friends, Dick Figures and Cat Slap. Read the rest of this entry

“Yes, I made a game about Owl Battles.”

I’m still so happy that Legends of The Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole exists as a movie. It’s concept is so bizarre that it gives me hope that any movie can be made. My dreams of a documentary-style House of Leaves movie shot mostly in total darkness is possible.

What’s even more inspiring than Owl Helmets: An Analogy for The Holocaust the film? That there was a videogame made on it. There were men and a few women who spent years of their life saying “Yes, I am working on a game where you are an owl and you fight other owls”. Read the rest of this entry

Maybe Its Time We Had a Talk

by Esteban - Shift Manager

Well, well, well. Look at the set of fucking balls on this one.  Scott, is it? I’ve heard some things, Scott.  And I’m gonna get right down to it, I don’t like what people are whispering around the break room about you.  So I think for your own good, its time I let you know how shit goes ’round here in the Target Electronics Department.  First things first, I OWN you. I am your team leader, which means I am YOUR. GOD. And I’m not talking about a Biblical God. All that fire and brimestone crap is overdone. I’m a warrior God. I’m Thor. I’m Loki. I AM FINAL FANTASY SEVEN’S ODIN SUMMON RIDING IN ON HIS STEED TO GUNGE LANCE YOUR ASS!!

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“What’d I Drink and Who’d I Do?”

by Michael Bay

Bay: Oh shit.

Oh my fucking shit. What is that ringing?

Sitting attentively by him is Assistant. She gave her real name away when she entered The Bay.

Assistant: Mr. Bay? Mr. Bay, are you awake?

Bay: I’m awake. I’m awake. Fuck. What happened?

Assistant: Mr. Bay, your birthday was February 17th. Eight hours ago you finally stopped screaming and dancing and punching and collapsed. Do you need anything?

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“I will make you beautiful by your shame”

by Mark Traylor, Certified Trainer at Global World Fitness

How’s that New Years Resolution going, F? Oh, I can’t say the full word for “F”, or my boss will write me up. Too many people complained at Global World Fitness about me using “offensive words” at clients. You know what I’m calling you, F, so why don’t you just sit your cellulite A down and I’ll explain my workout program. You’re going to look boss when I’m done with you.

Some of these P trainers think that positive encouragement or maximizing your core is the key to weight loss. I’m harnessing something more primal. Your own sense of shame. Nothing is more powerful than hating yourself and the lumpy sack of flesh your soul resides in. Read the rest of this entry

The Great Gatsby

I promised in my previous post that the next article I posted would not be a book review.   I had further hoped that my joke about the Bill and Ted franchise would have driven the point home that this subsequent article would have absolutely no value to readers seeking substantive and astute literary criticism on the pages of Non-stop Karate.  I’m talking none whatsoever.

And I would like to assure you that this is a promise I intend to keep.

For the past week or so I have been confined to a small apartment.  We won’t go into the particulars- suffice to say, I am vicariously reliving the high points of my childhood which typically occurred indoors and involved books, comedy, and video games.

 

I am a Dungeon Dragon

I digress.
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