The Bucket List
Let’s finish out the week three-for-three for list entries. Why? Thematically speaking, it’s only right.
Also, lists are really easy to write. Granted, I still ramble like a motherfucker when I make a list, but for some reason, largely psychological, lists are easier.
Not that stringing together bad words in new and fun combinations for the Michael Bay articles is hard, but you get my drift.
Today we’re going to examine all the things I want to do before I die.
Most of them are profoundly stupid.
1. Eat Something That Could Eat Me – Like a shark or an alligator. And I’ve had shark fin soup (sorry eco-minded readers) at the Gathering of the Asians, and gator nuggets in the South, but the people serving me food could be full of shit. Shark fin soup tastes an awful lot like the best chicken soup you’ve ever had. Fried gator tastes like gamier fried chicken. People lie all the time. I have a jet pack and a fifteen inch dick. See? See how I can just say things? I have mind powers. There, I did it again.
My proposal: cook the whole damn thing and put it on the table. Now I realize we’re over fishing the seas, and alligators are slowly making a comeback, but what if I ate one that died of natural causes or was brought down by authorities after it ate tourists? I want to eat a predator, something that could really fuck me up, you know? Gator or shark, no rattlesnakes or cobras because while they could end me, they couldn’t really eat me, and I don’t want to try and fill up on army ants.
I’d eat piranhas. I think I’ll steer clear of mammalian predators, though. Lions and tigers are just big cats, and wolves are just dogs that don’t like me. Or like me too much. Bears have had it hard enough, and I think they’re all super endangered, too.
2. Roll Around in a Pile of Corgi Puppies –
It seems like it’d be a good time.
Don’t you fucking judge me.
3. Find and Destroy Five People on XBox Live – I’m not proud of this one, but it has to be done. There are a lot of bastards and sons of bitches out there protected by the anonymity of online.
I’m of two minds about internet anonymity. On the one hand, it’s like anything else. The cable company, phone company, and gas company all know who you are and where you live when you use their services. You have an ID to operate a vehicle, probably another where you work, and cards to use at grocery stores and gas stations. Why should using and operating on the internet be any different?
On the other, sometimes you’ve got to talk shit about important and powerful people. Sometimes a voice is needed, and not an identity. Finally, do we really need to give the government another way to monitor and track us? If they don’t already have a way to do it?
That’s why it should just be up to me. I could probably handle that power. The internet has given everyone a voice and those voices need to learn to be civil if we’re to grow as a society.
I will silence the trolls, the haters, and all the other wretches hiding behind their screen names, but I’m going to start with the trash talkers on X-Box Live because they
have truly offended me must be stopped before they destroy us all.
I swear I won’t be corrupted by this power.
I have decided that for this to work, I need to fuck up five people to really get the message across. One’s an urban legend. Three is a cautionary tale. Five is a fucking pattern.
If it were possible, not matter how remote, that if you were a little shit on Live that someone could fly to your house in a black helicopter, kick down your door, trash your home, punt your cat, and deliver to you a vicious beating, don’t you think you’d be a little more mindful of your own behavior?
Not everyone would, but the first and second tier trolls would shut up, leaving the loudest and most obnoxious very apparent for a vicious kicking.
4. Protect John Connor. Guys. This is my serious face. This is the face I make when I’m serious. He’s our only hope.
5. Get Drunk Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels Style – I’ve been wanting to do this one for a really long time; the drinking scene after the heist looks like one of the most fun things, ever.
The guys basically set up shop in an empty bar and just go to town: more booze than you’ll ever drink; the floor is set up for spills, and you own nothing in the bar, so you can relax and no one has to be the grown-up during the drunken shenanigans.
Plus, if Jason Statham’s there, the odds of awesome fighting and topless underwear models showing up increase a thousandfold.
6. Beat Castlevania: Symphony of the Night – That game is hard, yo.
Is it me or are games getting easier? I can murder gods, commit genocide on several alien races, sneak into forgotten temples, and disable a foreign country’s ability to launch nukes with ease. It takes me like a combined six to ten hours to do any of that, but beating ever level of Super Mario Bros. 3 or seeing the end of Super Ghouls n’ Ghosts is up there with walking on the moon to me. Doable, but requiring inhuman discipline and a herculean workload. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is already super hard, and might be the last example of the fabled “hardcore game” before we moved onto the more powerful and, here’s the key, more popular systems of this and the previous console generations. Not only is the game fiendishly difficult; you fight Death in the first twenty minutes, but after “beating” the game, they turn the entire castle upside down and make you do everything again, but different. You know typing all this out in no way makes me want to beat it or ever play it again. It actually makes me want to go to Japan and burn Konami to the ground.
6. Go to Japan and burn Konami to the Ground – Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is way too fucking hard. Why would you make something like that? Why? Turning the castle upside down? Hey, fuck you guys right back.
Don’t get me started on the Metal Gear Solid series. The one on the Playstation was great. An original style of gameplay with neat enemies, and cool story with just enough weird stuff to give the fans who get really into the mythology something to talk about later over a case of Mountain Dews. I was in eighth grade, all right. Be cool.
Then you go right off the rails into crazy-ville with Metal Gear Solid 2 on the Playstation 2. First off, the story disappears up it’s own ass. If you want to make a statement on fate, not maturing as a society to keep up with technology, genetics, and the politics of war, great, grand, just make sure it’s not overly melodramatic and something that people will actually want to hear.
If that’s not enough, Raiden.
I’ll remind those of you who played it, that when you evade, Solid Snake rolled and Raiden cartwheeled. He cartwheeled away from gun fire. He cartwheeled out from corners to attack guards.
Raiden was the worst, and you can turn him into a robot ninja all you want, but no one cares, because robots and ninjas can’t fix a shitty house built on a foundation of suck.
Also, how can you guys not make a decent Contra, again? How hard is that? Make it 2D, release it online in Xbox Arcade and the Playstation Store and then go give me a Metal Gear game I want to finish, again.
This is why Western developers are stomping your nuts commercially and critically.
7. Do the Sam Rockwell Dance – As seen in such films as Iron Man 2 and Charlie’s Angels the Sam Rockwell dance looks both effortless and unbelievably complicated at the same time.
It would be the perfect intro to a party or when everyone’s dancing at a wedding because, A.) it looks neat. B.) you can hold a drink while doing it. C.) no one will ask you to keep dancing after that. You’ve already shown everyone up, no reason to pour salt in the wound, and how are you going to top that?
By getting drunk.
8. Say, “on my Signal, Unleash Hell,” and Actually Have Something Happen – I’m going to level with you guys: I have no idea how I would make this happen. I got nothin.’
Do I become so rich/famous that no one can say shit to me and roll with a private security team? Do I overthrow a country and set myself up as a warlord? Do I run a drug cartel? Should I travel back in time and join the Roman army?
I don’t know. But I do know that being able to say that and actually have something or someone get fucked up is going to be better than any TV, car, mansion, because I have the feeling that kind of juice isn’t given, it’s earned. So I guess the addendum to this is find out what I’d have to do to make this happen, do that, and then do this.
Just to be safe, I’m going to start wearing a centurion’s helmet and only answer to ‘Mattimus’ and ‘Gladiator,’ for now, and we’ll see how everything else shakes out.
9. Spider-Powers – It’s all about averages. If I keep finding spiders, irradiating them, and letting them bite me, one of them’s going to the guy that’s going to give me superpowers.
I may need to find a new way to do it, because the microwave’s just not cutting it, and frankly, it feels like a waste of spiders.
10. See the USA Win a World Cup – Hahahaha, I’m just kidding. Two Chicks at the Same Time –Granted I can barely, barely, handle one woman, but fuck it, we’re all going to die anyway, right?
I will see you guys Tuesday. Have fun, stay out of trouble, etc,
Posted on February 4, 2011, in Lists, Matt Loman and tagged bucket list, castlevania, corgi puppies, corgis, dance, drinking, gladiator, haters, japan, konami, sam rockwell, Spider-Man, spider-powers, spiderman, sueprpowers, trolls, xbox, xbox live. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.