F-ck You and Your Halo

I’ve been ducking one of my best friends; a guy I’ve known since I was 15, because he really wants to play Halo: Reach, and I really don’t want to. At all. I’ve finally figured out why, though.

I want to love you, but you won't let me.

That reason: 13-year-old kids.

I don’t think 13-year-old-kids realize how much time they have to do shit. I certainly didn’t. They can just sit around all day and get good at videogames because they have nothing to do involving things like jobs and personal lives. Their entire personal lives are at school. It will all be there the next day. All of their friends will be there, everything is scheduled, and all social events are planned for them.

Please, don’t give me any of that homework crap. Have you ever seen a 13-year-old’s homework? Remember science when you were 13? I thought all scientists had to do was remember all the names of the fish or what the dinosaur names meant when translated from Latin.

Then you turn 14 and go to high school, and guess the fuck what, BOOM, math. Chemistry and physics are math classes, and you will never, ever, convince me otherwise. Biology was always neat, until you had to memorize and draw the entire fucking Krebs’ cycle from memory.

It has to do with photosynthesis, probably.

It’s been awhile.

My English degree! It does nothing!

Which actually proves my point, all that crap you learned at the time of your life? Mostly useless in the real world unless you actually wanted to be a scientist, which again, seems much cooler when you’re 13, because you thought they made shit, invented stuff, and went on adventures to stop the giant ants they accidentally created, but it turns out that they just stand in a lab and do what someone in a boardroom tells them to do.


So that’s it. I’m being beaten by 13-year-olds with limitless time to spend on getting good at videogames. That is, on its own, bad, but I’m essentially being chased off of videogames by little weiner kids who kick the shit out of me in videogames then accuse me of buggery or of being Semitic. This may seem like a stupid thing to accuse people of, but then you might be a reasonable person so of course it sounds crazy to you.

Been there. And I mean that literally.

Now, I try to take the high road and not talk back and get drawn to their level, but I inevitably do because I like to talk shit, and I feel that most times, I’m pretty good at it. I do my best with a witty turn of phrase and pointing out clear victories for Team Matt; I can drink and smoke. I don’t live with my folks. I’ve seen several, SEVERAL, women naked in person. I know what a boob feels like on less than a theoretical level.

Alex Sim-Wise, when are we just going to get it over with?

These are good points, but here’s the thing, they don’t actually count, because you’re playing Halo, and not comparing sex CV’s or playing a spirited game of “smell my fingers.” We’re playing Halo and being able to legally purchase alcohol or know the touch of a woman means nothing.

So what do I do? I play Fire Fight. I talk about how all I want to do is play the campaign. I hide behind things like “story,” or excuses such as, “it’s only fun with friends,” “my internet’s slow,” or “I can’t played videogames. I just strained my vagina.”

Really, I want to be good at videogames. I want to go online and not have my ass handed to me by someone who’s had less birthdays than the car I drove out to LA in, but I can’t because that takes time, and the time it’d take for me to get good could be better spent trying to do something useful that has merit.

It doesn’t even have to be actual merit. It just has to be something I can show the world that’s not my Gamer Score. It could just be finishing my SyFy script about the origins of mantis style kung-fu and it’s connections to space aliens or reorganizing my dresser. I love videogames. I love shooting strangers in the face or sneaking up behind them and bashing in their heads in, but there are no actual translation of those skills to the real world. At least not until the military starts fielding robots controlled by people.

I don't know why the Chief is talking to this guy. He's not going to see the end of the level.

And drone planes don’t count. Flying faster than any could ever hope to shoot down, (outside of Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3) isn’t, you know, fair. I’m not saying we shouldn’t use them, but a drone plane is a far cry from a robot on the ground with a gun.

I had most of my life to go do useless shit.

Which I did. I truly did a lot of outright stupid shit that was, let’s face it, a huge waste of time, but now I actually have to in some, small, insignificant way help move humanity forward. I must contribute. I have to take the time I have and actually apply it, and not piss away those moments by casting them into the electronic ether.

I like the guy who's too cool to wear the same shirt as everyone. Stay fly, bro.

And it breaks my heart.

I so want to be good at videogames. I want to be good at Halo in such an honest and sincere way that it is profoundly sad, and it’s even sadder that I don’t feel bad about it. There is no conflict here. I’m going out and doing grown up shit because I have to, with spite on my mind and contempt in my heart.

I’m probably a bad night of gaming away from offering these kids free beer, so I can challenge them to a drinking contest. Which is, let’s see, offering restricted substances to minors, soliciting minors for illegal activity, and since it’s online, and I have no idea where they’re from, we can assume at some point I’ll do all those things from across state lines.

Me, like, er'reyday.

I’m not sure why doing something bad, and then doing it across state lines is such a bigger deal, but they always get fucking nuts about it movies and TV, so here you are, reading a rant by Matt Loman: Sex Villain.

You’re probably on a list now.


About Nonstop Karate

Created by Chad Quandt and Matt Loman Lonely. Online. Angry due to being online and lonely.

Posted on February 8, 2011, in Matt Loman, Videogames. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Just to let you know, the Office of Naval Research has developed several viable robotic combat platforms with quadrupedal, bipedal, and segway locomotive structures. The lab I work for teaches (not programs, but teaches, as they have a heuristic neural network) them how to recognize shapes, colors, and movement, and also how to talk and parse natural language.

    Also, some guys out of MIT developed a robot that eats.

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