An Outsider’s View: the Thor trailer

Which movie is harder to understand to the American citizen? Green Lantern or Thor? The Green Lantern trailer showcases a bizarre set of alien images and some story that’s going to let Ryan Reynolds mack on Blake Lively. The Thor trailer relies mostly on fans recognitions of obscure things like Natalie Portman’s earnestness. It’s time once again for An Outsider’s View.

We start off with a crotch shot of Thor in medical scrubs. This movie is going to get sexy. Be sure to tune to Nonstop Karate for all your superhero crotch shots.

This base looks like the logo for some production company. Extreme viral marketing! I will not stand for it! What is that quarter-circle tunnel at the bottom part of the picture for? Is it merely so you can leave the central room and enter from a different angle? Questions!

All government plastic tube hallways remind me of the ending to E.T. I will be disappointed if there aren’t aliens. I have a feeling that old dude running in the back is going to get jacked.

Lightning! Kicks to the chest! It was a fool’s idea to put bars to swing from in this plastic tube base!

More kicks to the chest! Is that Sexy Doctor’s signature move? I feel like if anyone has a chest protector on, Sexy Doctor is going to be screwed. Let’s just call this movie Chestkicker: Crotch Shots and Chest Kicks.

Ok, this is the exact background from Green Lantern. I like the giant pipe organ, though. Obviously this planet appreciates music.

Now I understand the significance artistically of our central figure being draped in red among a contrasting color. Obviously he is special. But where are we? El Dorado? If everything’s made of gold, then gold has no value. Let’s be a little conservative with the metals next time, Alien Interior Designer.

And this is totally the kryptonite island from Superman Returns! I love Superman Returns! Oh that Kate Bosworth, so sassy and brunette! Remember when Kumar punched Superman on the Kryptonite Island? Highlight of the decade.

Anthony Hopkins pirate! How is his eyepiece staying on? Did a giant piece of shrapnel get lodged in his eye and he just refused to remove it? Is there an unspoken rule where no one in Gold City addresses his metal eye shard?

Ok, I’m not racist. But that guy’s evil. No way someone has gold eyes and giant helmet horns and is not evil. I promise, it’s not because he’s black.

“Oh good, another movie where I get to see Natalie Portman make out with guys that aren’t me” – Matt or Chad or anyone, even this character that doesn’t know who Thor is.

More medical scrubs! Does he fall to earth in medical scrubs? Is he an Alien Sexy Doctor? Oh my god, it’s like Grey’s Anatomy on crack. Bring it, female erections!

Oh, never mind. He’s back in Gold City. I wonder if they follow him just because he’s a different color than everyone else.

Just like the RPG game that recently had a sequel! Available for your favorite game console! [It’s okay to shill for a product on your blog if it’s generally panned across the board of critcs].

That serves those yokels in Nebraska right for living in a small town with 24-hour diners and wholesome values. I hope devil tornadoes take down your stupid houses. Except for the sexy hospital. You know what? I bet your apple pies suck, small Nebraska town!

Sexy Doctor is doomed. You can’t chest kick that thing. It’s Anti-Chest Kicker.

See? I told you he was going to be evil. He’s stabbing the damn audience.


About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on February 9, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Comics, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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