So, You’ve Decided to Start a Puppy Bowl Team

Excellent. Thanks to Adult Male Human Bowl, interest in Puppy Bowl has sky-rocketed. I don’t have to tell you that the speed, power, and precision of Puppy Bowl is amazing to witness. That’s why you’re here, because you recognize in yourself the kind of inhuman discipline and unquantifiable genius necessary to take a rag-tag group of misfit puppies and mold them into a single-minded killing machine made of many parts.

God willing, this is the last thing I'll see before I die.

While there are many schools of thought to putting together a Puppy Bowl team, and for every rule exist numerous exceptions, I think you’ll find that I’ve put together an fun and informative primer for fielding a team of gladiator canines upon the field of Puppy Battle.

SETTING UP A CAMP –
Before you can assemble something you have to get the parts and the best way to do that is to set up camp so you can review promising talent with your own eyes.

You’ll need a big, outdoor space for the puppies to run drills. Bigger is better in this case as you can conduct conditioning exercises to see which puppies have the fire to compete in the big game, and which ones are weekend warriors that just excel on their puppy office puppy flag football teams.

Strength Drills

  • Tuggy rope is great to gauge upper body strength, as well as bite capacity and bite endurance. The other great thing about tuggy rope is you can use it to make your first series of cuts. Frankly, the sight of a tuggy rope should make every dog go apeshit. You and your assistant coaches should be trying to contain bedlam the first time you run this drill, because every dog who wants to go to the Bowl, I mean, truly go to the bowl, should be running over to get a bite of that rope, even if they don’t want to be puppy quarterbacks, puppy running backs, or puppy receivers. Every puppy that doesn’t immediately run over gets puppy cut.

    Want some, get some.

  • The kong is a legendary drill, usually done at the end of a grueling hike, beach run, frisbee in the dog park, or any other crucible. In the middle of a vicious puppy pile, there’s going to be a lot of nipping and trying to steal the game ball. The kong allows the puppies to train bite strength, grip, and tenacity. Fill the kong with puppy approved spray cheese or peanut butter and see who wants it bad enough. You can couple this with agility drills by running onto the field, screaming “who wants cheesy bites,” and spiking the kong as hard as you can. Be careful not to spike it on a puppy.

    You gotta want it.

    Speed Drills

  • Fetch is an oldie, but there’s a reason: it works. Resist the urge to throw a stick which are notoriously imprecise and a frisbee unless you’re an expert disc hucker. Get something longer than it’s wide, rubber, and throw it like you’re an Apache chucking a tomahawk at Whitey. Which ever puppy that gets there first is your puppy route runner and any puppy who knocks another puppy over will be your puppy tight ends.

    I'll be damned if that isn't the finest war face I've ever seen.

  • Laser Pointer is a new school trick that tests explosiveness and the ability to change direction on the fly and maintain speed. Use the pointer to get the puppies’ attention with long, unbroken lines to get them up to speed; then begin to move the pointer in random directions to see which dogs aren’t just fast, but quick. Using this drill on low to the ground, or “sausage” dogs, is not a good idea as their weak ankles and almost non-existent second joint can lead to a lot of sprains or completely dislocated shoulders and hips. Leading the frenzied dogs into the wall is both hilarious and discouraged, unless your dog is a Spider-Man.

INTANGIBLES
If crafting champions was easy or teachable then everyone would be winning Puppy Bowls because it all could be put down into a book. Or a blog. Whatever.

There are somethings you just can’t teach, but they are all very important to crafting a championship team.

I'm upset this picture isn't bigger.

  • Romping – You know when a dog jumps up, leaving it’s hind legs down but bringing up both front legs over and over again? That’s romping, and it can’t be taught. Proper romping can win championships. The romp’s ability to disrupt a passing play, strip a receiver, or block a defender cannot be overstated. Quality romping is sometimes discouraged by “polite” society. It’s not “civilized” to have dogs try to leap up at each other and people. Well, you know what? War is not polite. War is not civilized. I don’t need puppies who want to get out on the field and have high tea and braid each others’ hair. I need killers. I need heart breakers and life takers. I need rompers.

    When I say, "leave it all on the field," THIS is what I'm talking about.

  • General Intensity – Like romping, general intensity can’t be graphed or charted. Just ask anyone who drafted a very promising puppy going into the season, but was a huge bust in the Puppy Bowl Puppy Fantasy Leagues. Things to look for when trying to find signs of General Intensity are:Shit-eating grins.

    Tails up.
    The sprawl.

    Pre-pounce sprawl.

    And both ears pushed forward.
    Now sometimes you’ll come across a dog with one ear up or forward. This is not general intensity. This not a romper. This dog is a scamp.

Scamps are fucking useless. They have a lot of energy, but it’s all directionless. They disrupt practice and can lead promising dogs astray thus turning them into scamps. They have stupid names like “Patches,” or people names like “Mitch” and are generally a bunch of fucking shitheads WHO ONLY GOT THIS FAR BECAUSE THEIR DAD WAS A WALK-ON AT PUPPY USC AND A PUPPY HEISMAN CONTENDER WHO WENT ON TO HUNT DOWN BOWL GAME WINS IN THE PUPPY PROS LIKE NORMAL DOGS FIND SHIT TO ROLL IN, AND HE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE HE KNOWS THAT HE’S COASTING, AND HE JUST DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE SHITHEADS ARE ALWAYS BORN AS SHITHEADS!
I WANT HIM OFF MY FUCKING FIELD UNTIL HE LEARNS SOME GODDAMN HUSTLE AND IS WILLING TO BLOCK ON A FUCKING PLAY WHERE HE DOESN’T GET THE FUCKING BALL!
FUTHERMORE 1.) FUCK YOU. 2.) GO FUCK YOURSELF AND 3.) GET FUCKED, MITCH THE DOG! YOUR NAME IS A STUPID NAME FOR A DOG! GET OFF THE FUCKING TACKLING SLED, GOD! DAMN! IT!

Editor’s Note: Matt later stormed a PetCo dressed in full football pads and holding a sack full of clipboards which he starting throwing at everyone and everything that didn’t “display some butt-fucking hustle.” He was lured outside with candy and videogames, where the police were able forced to put him down. Nonstop Karate would like to remind you to work hard, play hard, give everything 100%, and to never resort to cheating or what the voices in your head may tell you to do or not do. Like go off your meds.

That's some great hustle. That's All-Madden Team, right there.

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Posted on February 10, 2011, in Lists, Matt Loman, Pop Culture and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Between Tuggy Rope and Romping, people who sit near my office and can hear my cackling are questioning my sanity.

  2. “…or any other crucible.” Fuck. Me.

  3. It’s all the corgi’s fault that you lost the last puppy bowl, isn’t it?

    Breedist

  4. Sir, If anything, I want an All Corgi Puppy Bowl.

    So…

    Uh…

    Which…actually still makes me a breedist, but the other way, huh?

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