Nonstop Debate: A Roundtable Discussion
Hello, and welcome to Nonstop Karate’s 1st round table discussion. We come up with a problem that may or may not happen, and bring in a group of experts to examine the logistics of such an undertaking and evaluate pros and cons with the individual philosophies’ approach to the issue at hand.
Today’s Topic: Terrorism.
Matt: All right, gentlemen, thank you for joining me. The topic is terrorism. I suppose the first question is, at what point should we stop trying to understand why these people are taking up arms and such extreme measures for a cause we may not wholly understand, and start treating them as combatants–
Wolverine: Stab ’em.
Thing: Clobber ’em.
Punisher: Shoot them in the face.
Deadpool: Tickle fights.
Batman: I’m Batman.
Gambit: Ah, mon frere, dealin’ wit’ terror is like dealin’ wit’ a wronged woman, non? De first —
Matt: You shut up. You shut your fucking mouth. No one gives a shit what you think about anything, ever. You’re everything that went wrong with comics in the 90’s. I hope you die in a fuckin’ fire. Wolverine, would you care to elaborate?
Wolverine: The soft parts. Stab ’em in the soft parts. Time comes, you can’t reason with some people. He made his choice, and I guess in a way, he made mine for me. Just like everyone else in my life. My choices, hell, my life, stripped away from me. Just leaving me with the blood, and the memories, and the graveyards full a’ folks I let down…
Deadpool: I also have angst! I feel ways about stuff! Yes, I do! Shut up! I’m driving the body right now! *beat* You know what’s weird? The way crayons smell.
Punisher: The runt’s a little maudlin, but he had a point. Crime, terror, they’re all problems we can’t talk away.We don’t know what comes after this, but I will show criminals Hell so what happens to me doesn’t have to happen to anyone else.
Matt: Didn’t you once work for angels killing demons in exchange for getting to go to Heaven to be with your family, again? So you know for a fact that Heaven exists, right?
*Punisher pulls shotgun out of his coat. Racks a round*
Matt: My mistake. That was…nothing. I’m drunk. Shit.
Thing: Look, this is a nation of laws, and going down to that level lowers us all. We can’t take the high road and do the low thing. Would the world be better if Reed’a just offed Doom? Probably, but that ain’t for me, or anyone else at this table.
Batman: The rock monster’s right. Vengeance isn’t justice.
Thing: It’s the Thing, pointy-ears.
Batman: I’m Batman.
Thing: Your Pointy Ears, ’til you get my name right.
Batman: I adopted the mantle of the Bat to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, who are, by nature, a cowardly and superstitious lot. I break their spirit before I cave in their clavicles.
Thing: Great. You can be called whatever fer whatever, but you will get my name right.
Batman: My point is, I have a reason for my appearance. There is a method to my fight against madness. Who just calls themselves the Thing?
Thing: I didn’t name myself. Reed did the namin.’ He’s the brains.
Batman: What does Reed call himself?
Thing: Mr. Fantastic.
Wolverine: I didn’t know Richards did the namin.’ Jesus, Grimm, have some respect for yourself. Grimm would have been just as scary and not as shitty as ‘the Thing.’
Deadpool: Rocklorr, He Who Rocks! You could fight crime with giant stone axe! Or a guitar! We should start a band! No, I called drums! You can’t drum; you’re just a voice. Fine! Sing. Great. Grand. WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE CRAYONS IN HERE?
Batman: Would anyone object if I disabled his jaw?
Punisher: Won’t help. He heals fast.
Punisher: Once, I hit him with a truck, a full belt from an M-60, chopped him up, and mailed the parts all over the world. Week and half he was back in my workshop.
Punisher: And he brought pizza.
Deadpool: Describe the pizza.
Punisher: It was fine. Just fuel for the war.
Deadpool: Grr. Argh. Grimdark.
Batman: He displays all the symptoms of dementia, schizophrenia, and his personality appears to be bleeding over. He could also be faking it. Don’t one of you have blade gauntlets?
Batman: Cut his jaw off.
Deadpool: Noooooooo! Jeeeeaaaaaannn! Doooon’t dooooo iiiiiiiiiiiit!
Wolverine: Wade, what the in the hell are you even doing here? Aren’t we teaming up to fight Hydra or AIM or MODOK or something?
Matt: It’s actually a just panel talking about terrorism. The morality, just force and just cause, ways to stop it at it’s source–
Thing: Yeah, this might be the wrong group for that. Except for Pointy Ears.
Batman: I’m Batman.
Thing: Hey, do you know Murdock? He likes to wear pointy ears and act like he’s better than everyone else. Are you rich? You smell like money.
Wolverine: Grimm, you live in a skyscraper.
Thing: We’re new money.
Batman: Resources don’t matter. All that matters is that we fight crime. Except for the heavily armed extreme personality disorder over there. Do any of you ever actually try to apprehend him?
Punisher: He’s got a teleporter.
Wolverine: And even if you get it away from him, the charges never stick. He does a lot of wetwork for governments that need a deniable operative.
Batman: So he’s an assassin?
Deadpool: I also fight crime!
Thing: How in the hell do you fight crime?
Deadpool: With SCIENCE. Guns use science.
Gambit: Method? What is method? Aren’t we all lovers AND fighters?
Matt: Fuck off and die alone! I will learn woodcrafting, build a boat, put you on it, sail it into the ocean, and sink it. I will apprentice with Mr. Fantastic and Dr. Doom, and invent a time platform so I can kill you, go back in time one day, then kill you again, go back one day, and kill you again, then start in on your relatives. I will extinguish the sun if that’s what it takes to make sure you’re swamp crud is taken out of the gene pool forever. FOREVER. FOOOOOOOOORRREEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR.
Gambit: Mon ami, Matt, I don’t underst-
Wolverine: Here’s how it works. Shades of gray exist. My life’s a living example of that, but there is a line, and if a man crosses it and doesn’t show any kind of remorse he has got to be put down.
Punisher: Crime, terror, they don’t belong in civilization. They’re a cancer. You kill cancer.
Thing: I punched my share of Skrulls into paste, but I think they can shape shift from paste back into people, but any life’s got meaning. I’ve seen enough strange things, and met enough folks to know that almost every problem has a solution. You don’t kill cancer, you cure it.
Batman: No, you cut it out. You find it. Detain it. Quarantine it from the rest of the body.
Wolverine: Locking a man up, taking away everything that makes him a person, makes him whole, is just as bad as killing him, but you don’t pull the trigger. It’s kinder to put a man down. Prison’s just a slow murder by inches.
Deadpool: I had cancer. Then I got it cured. Sorry, WE got it cured. I mentioned you. We. We. We. We. WE. WE. WE. WE. We. We. WE! WE! WE! I say shoot people in the face. Give me money to do it. Or food. Or candy. Candy’s a food. Forget I said that. It’s not too late. We.
Batman: You can’t advocate killing people for your goals. They commit murder. They break the law. We have to be better. No compromises. Justice is not vengeance. Vengeance is visceral. It’s animalistic and we are above it.
Thing: Pointy Ears, don’t give me that crap. Look, at you. You’re probably normal under that hood, you have a choice, and you decided to dress up like a rodent–
Batman: I’m Batman.
Thing: Great. But you dress up like a gliding rodent, and you work outside the law. Don’t talk to me about the law and the lines, because you crossed it to do good.
Batman: I became an idea and a symbol for justice, vengeance, and the night.
Deadpool: I thought you hated vengeance.
Wolverine: He’s right. You said “vengeance is for animals.”
Batman: This is wrong! You’re all wrong!
Punisher: Just kill one guy. I bet you’ll like it.
Batman: No compromises! I’m fighting a war!
Punisher: You kill people in wars.
Deadpool: It’s awesome. It makes you feel weird in your pants. But good weird. Erections.
Batman: No! I am the night!
Wolverine: Yeah, you’re the only guy that’s ever operated at night.
Batman: Stop! There’s a war! The war is for justice! A war without killing or compromises!
Punisher: Let’s go out back and I’ll let you fire a couple rounds into a car.
Wolverine: Those boomerangs on your belt look sharp. Stab someone in the heart.
Wolverine: Or the neck. Whatever.
Batman: MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.
Thing: My folks died.
Punisher: So are mine, plus my whole family.
Batman: MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME BY A MUGGER.
Punisher: Mine were killed by gangster. They didn’t want our money. We were just in the way. Collateral damage, you know, in a war.
Wolverine: The man who I thought was my father was killed by the man who was actually my father. I killed him. Then my first love. Then every woman who’s ever gotten close to me has either been killed by ninjas, exploded by Magneto, or became insane and tried to kill me. I’ll also live longer than any friend I’ll ever make.
Wolverine: He’s really more of a work acquaintance. Cap might age slow.
Deadpool: I can’t even remember my family. Some of my memories might either be fake ones, or I convinced myself I’m another man. What if I was JFK? No, I remember him getting shot. Or do I? I do. Actually, I might have shot him. Or not. Isn’t there a videogame where you do that?
Batman: Why are all of you like this?!
Thing: We’re not rich pretty boys. You kind of get used to getting crapped on.
Batman: Mine is a just war! MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.
Wolverine: Heard you the first time, bub. Who wants beer?
Punisher: I gotta thing. Irish mob is bringing in guns from to trade to Colombians for coke.
Wolverine: We’ll all go. Then we can go drink.
Deadpool: *clears throat*
Wolverine: Fine, Wade, you can ride with me. Castle?
Punisher: Never killed men from a spy plane…
Thing: Thanks, wimpy guy, this was certainly a thing. HAW. See what I did there?
Matt: Matt, my name’s Matt.
Wolverine: Sure thing, Mark.
Batman: *sobs uncontrollably*
Posted on February 14, 2011, in Character, Comics, Matt Loman and tagged Batman, comic books, comics, DC, Deadpool, debate, Marvel, Matt Loman, punisher, roundtable, the punisher, The Thing, this is how we get the voices out, wolverine. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.