“I will make you beautiful by your shame”

by Mark Traylor, Certified Trainer at Global World Fitness

How’s that New Years Resolution going, F? Oh, I can’t say the full word for “F”, or my boss will write me up. Too many people complained at Global World Fitness about me using “offensive words” at clients. You know what I’m calling you, F, so why don’t you just sit your cellulite A down and I’ll explain my workout program. You’re going to look boss when I’m done with you.

Some of these P trainers think that positive encouragement or maximizing your core is the key to weight loss. I’m harnessing something more primal. Your own sense of shame. Nothing is more powerful than hating yourself and the lumpy sack of flesh your soul resides in.1) You are going to give me $5,000. Yes, on top of the $35 hour you’re currently paying me. I will lock this into a short-term mutual fund lasting the three months of our program. I know a guy at Clancy Mutual who will give a 9.5% interest rate because I hook him up with free Muscle Milk. Now, that money will legally be mine during that time, and I will keep all dividends from this, but you can get this money back. Listen, P.

2) At the end of your training, you will model at a nude fashion show. There will photographers, reporters, and local celebrities there. I might even be able to get Gene Hackman there. Oh, you won’t be the only model. Some of my former clients, babes, and escorts will also be modeling naked. They will all be hot. Hot because they went through my program or because that is required usually when you trade sex for money. Will you be? Ah, now the realization is hitting you like the brick I used I used to take out this loud guy at Sports Lounge last week. Right now, you don’t want anyone to see you naked. I bet you look away from your mirrors when getting out of the shower. Me? I put one over my computer so I could admire myself while I J.O. Also, because the view of me naked excites me sexually. But right, you’re hideous. If you model at the show naked, no matter what shape you’re in, you will get your $5,000 dollars back. If not, I will spend it on one of the hookers from the show.

This will be you, except naked, and I won't want to take you sexually. Or maybe I still will want to. Depends on how you "make it work"

3) So now you have a dilemma; you either nude model in three months or lose $5,000 on top of the twenty training sessions you’ve already paid for OR you get your ass in gear and start sculpting that fat into something I would want to F. This is your motivation; fear and shame. I know you can’t lose that $5,000 (that I already siphoned out of your bank account. I watched Swordfish once and learned hacking). You’re too poor. Poor people are fat. Super poor people in third world countries are thin because they can’t afford food but they still have those disgusting inflated bellies.

NO, NO ONE LIKED THAT PLUS-SIZED MODEL FROM AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, STEVE! BEAUTY IS SHALLOW AND CRUEL! Forgive me, fat-baby. My co-worker over there likes to think that all body shapes can be healthy, as long as you remain active. He eats wheat grass for lunch. GRASS FOR LUNCH, STEVE. THAT’S RIGHT I’M TALKING TO YOU YOU LITTLE, F. I WILL HURDLE MYSELF OVER THIS COUNTER AND BEAT YOU WITH THE CASH REGISTER! I WILL LOSE MY EMPLOYEE PARKING SPOT TO END YOU!

4) With the nude event looming over your head, you’re going to lose weight. I barely have to train you. Sure, we’ll do lunges or something. But when you go home, and I’m not there, you’re going to not touch an ounce of food. You will eat egg whites and walnuts because anything else will haunt you when you take the runway and look like a skinned sea-lion.

Nudity isn’t that hard.

::proceeds to strip naked in the gym and lift 15 lb dumbbells with his penis::

Now let’s hit the stationary bike for a few minutes while I call up all your ex-boyfriends and invite them to the show. Your 90-pound-smoking-vagina-frame will be your sweet revenge!

"Plus-size" models? More like PUS-THIGHS NON-MODELS

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About Chad Quandt

Writer for videogames, animation, the webcomic Suffrage. Master blocker in dodgeball. Barbecued with Corey Haim before he died.

Posted on February 18, 2011, in Chad Quandt, Character and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I laughed at this and I don’t know why. Good job.

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