Monthly Archives: March 2011

Dear Celebs: The Heroically Super Edition

Dear Wonder Woman Marketing Team.

Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?

Turns out a hot girl in tight clothing doesn't just make everything okay.

You’ve made someone who’s supposed to be a warrior, diplomat, and in the TV series, a CEO look like she bought her costume off the rack of a Halloween store that specializes in “sexy costumes” (see also: whore). Read the rest of this entry

News is Hard: Drudge Report Translated

Absorbing the news is a lot of work; you have to cut through partisanship, big words, and Wolf Blitzer’s face. Let me break it down into the bare facts. Here’s today’s front page for the Drudge Report. After the jump is the translation, provided by yours truly.

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“PARKER, THESE ARE JUST DRAWINGS OF SPIDERMAN”

by J. Jonah Jameson

Parker, get in here. I need pictures of Spiderman.

Let me see these.

Parker, these are just scribbles of Spiderman. These are made out of glossy paper and crayon.

[Slightly NSFW. This is going to get a little weird. But you should know that if you’ve read literally any of our monologues.]

Read the rest of this entry

I Got Your Crossover Right Here *Points to Crotch*

I hate crossovers in comics.

Remember Ben Reilly? Fuck the 90's.

That’s not true. I like the small ones. A story that take place across all the Avengers’ titles or the X-Titles, or the now shitload of Green Lantern titles doesn’t have to be a bad thing, because they’re usually relevant, and sometimes move actual plot and characterization forward, plus, and this is the big one, I can follow along in the actual titles I buy month to month, and not worry about having to pick up a mini-series or a one-shot to keep up with the event. All the X-titles crossing over makes sense. If Apocalypse or,  more recently, Dracula, showed up, why wouldn’t you call for help?

But, Lord, do I hate company-wide crossovers. Read the rest of this entry

All Life is Sacred to God: A Perspective, by Billy the Pro-life Dinosaur

Billy, the Pro-life Dinosaur

R-Roar.

Ahem.

Roar.

Roar.

And hello.  My name is Billy.  Billy the pro-life dinosaur.

You might recognize me from such films as Jurassic Park, and Jurassic Park II. Also, Jurassic Park III.

And I’d to talk to you about abortion.

Read the rest of this entry

REBUTTAL: SUCKER PUNCH HAD TO EXIST FOR THE GOOD OF ALL NERDOM

This is my equivalent of a desktop background of a sandy beach.

I have seen the film early for the benefit of us all. Earlier in the week, Mr. Chad Quandt wrote an article regarding his concerns with the film Sucker Punch. It can be read here. Go ahead. Read it. I’ll wait.

You didn’t even click it. You dick. Alright, let me paraphrase.  In general, Chad is concerned with the turn that nerd culture has taken. Our rabid love for all thing’s nerdy has begun to be used against us, specifically by Hollywood.  To sell us on movies, tv (no one fell for the “The Cape,” right? Thank God), or people that are without question, sub par. In the case of people, Chad has named the astoundingly hot, yet wholly untalented Olivia Munn as the epitome of nerd pandering. I can’t say I disagree. But comparing what she does to Sucker Punch is a bit of a stretch. Read the rest of this entry

Throw Your Money Away: “eBay Roulette”

Anyone can get a gun now and there’s nothing dangerous about them; we have medicine to remove bullets. So there’s really no reason to go sit in a dark, smoke-filled basement and gamble with your life in a game of Russian Roulette.

What is something to hold dear? Your credit. That is what eBay Roulette is for; a game of chance, danger, and slight price gauging that will keep you on the edge of your computer chair. You might also accidentally end up with Hobo Hummel figurines. Read the rest of this entry